


Shattered sanctuary

by Coriaria



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: A tiny bit of smut, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Dissociation, Dumbledore condones child abuse, F/M, First War with Voldemort, Homophobia, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Torture, M/M, Marauders, Plot, Redemption, Self-Harm, Traumatic Memory, Unhealthy Relationships, cute baby Harry, except for Peter, he's still the traitor, homophobic violence, nothing too graphic, religious fundamentalists, self-harming house elf, tons of plot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-25
Updated: 2019-11-28
Packaged: 2020-02-04 08:57:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 15
Words: 61,497
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18601261
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Coriaria/pseuds/Coriaria
Summary: Under the pressure of the war, the Marauders are falling apart. James was becoming every more anxious about impending fatherhood, while Sirius was increasingly unreliable and erratic, Peter was making snide comments about Sirius and James when they weren’t around, while Remus was drinking far too much to calm the chaos inside.Meanwhile, Regulus and Severus face the consequences of their decisions to join the Death Eaters. When a mission goes horribly wrong, they find that they are not quite as alone as they think.Then Regulus convinces Severus to write a letter to Lily, and it changes everything.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Canon-ish AU. Various dates have been adjusted to make things work. And, of course, happy endings, at least for those who deserve them.
> 
> I'm clearly not JKR, as she killed all these wonderful characters off after giving them mostly miserable lives. So no claim, no profit etc...

Remus would remember the night after Harry was born as the last night that everything was right with the Marauders. The war was upon them and they had already lost friends and colleagues in the Order, but the Marauders were together. It was true that things weren’t quite as they’d always been – James was becoming every more anxious about impending fatherhood, while Sirius was increasingly unreliable and erratic, Peter was making snide comments about Sirius and James when they weren’t around, while Remus was drinking far too much to calm the chaos inside. But tonight Remus could put it all out of his mind as they celebrated with a couple of bottles of firewhisky in the sitting room of the house at Godric’s Hollow.

Remus had gone to see Lily and James and their newborn son at St Mungos. Sirius was there already, beaming almost as much as James. Peter was there as well, holding an oversized toy niffler.

“Look at him, Moony. He has tiny fingers.”

Sirius’s voice was hushed, filled with wonder. There was a light in his eyes that Remus hadn’t seen in some time. It reminded Remus of a much younger Sirius, his face alight with mischief and delight, standing on his bed and waving his arms with an enthusiasm that Remus knew would probably result in detention. It was the look he’d had when he’d told them about his idea to prank the Slytherins with an itching jinx on their Quidditch robes, or the time one of the Hufflepuffs lent him a Sex Pistols record and he spelled his hair to look like Johnny Rotten and his school shirt into a Union Jack tee, or when he showed them the charm he’d created to make copies of “Seeker’s Weekly” look like History of Magic textbooks.

“Moony, I held him. He’s so small. Look.”

Sirius had grabbed Remus’s arm and pulled him closer to the bed where Lily lay with the baby in her arms.

“What’s his name?” Remus asked, looking down at the blotchy red face and the tuft of dark hair. Already like his father.

“Harry James,” Lily replied, a small smile on her lips.

Remus glanced across at James, who was sitting in a chair on the other side of the bed. He looked nearly as tired as Lily.

“Lily vetoed any traditional Potter names,” Sirius said.

“Thankfully,” Peter added.

“What, you don’t think he looks like a Fleamont, or a Hardwin?” James said with a look at Remus. He sounded like he couldn’t summon much effort for joking, even though he’d been the one poring through the Potter family tree for ever more horrible names to suggest to Lily. Remus suspected he’d made up half of them.

“Hello, Harry,” Remus said, looking down at the baby but not reaching out to touch him. That felt wrong, as if he might contaminate this innocent, new life.

“Do you want to hold him?” Lily asked.

Remus backed away.

“Oh no, I wouldn’t want to disturb him. He looks so peaceful.”

“You must, Moony,” Sirius said, pushing him forward again. “We all have.”

“And Marlene was here before. We practically had to prise him from her grip,” Lily said. “Go on, Remus.”

Lily lifted Harry slightly and Sirius arranged Remus’s hands and arms until Lily was satisfied. One hand was under the tiny boy’s head, another under his body. He almost seemed to fit completely in Remus’s large hands. And then Lily’s hands were gone and Remus felt as if he couldn’t breathe.

“There you are, Remus. You’ve got him.”

Remus just stood there, not moving, as if he’d been petrified. He stared down at Harry, noticing that his eyes were half open and that he was opening and closing his mouth slightly. Remus held him a few moments longer before passing him back to Lily. She gave Remus a kind smile, but Remus noticed a glance between Peter and James. He chose to ignore it.

A medi-witch came bustling in soon after Remus had handed Harry back.

“You should be resting young lady, not entertaining your…”

The medi-witch scanned the room, taking in first the respectable-looking Peter, then Remus in a tatty jumper with holes in it and then Sirius with his long hair, leather jacket and ripped jeans.

“… –friends,” she said, distaste in her voice.

“And you,” she continued, looking at James. “You need to go home and get some sleep. Merlin knows, it may be the last decent night’s sleep you get for some time.”

Sirius had taken James home on the back of his motorbike, while Peter and Remus had apparated back to Godric’s Hollow. Somehow, they all knew it was pointless to send James home alone to sleep. He was tired, but he was clearly not going to sleep.

Sirius poured James a firewhisky and sat him down on the sofa.

“Drink,” he said, and James obediently downed the contents of his glass.

“We should do a toast,” Peter said.

“Right,” Remus replied, grabbing more glasses and handing them around. Sirius poured firewhisky into each.

“To James Fleamont Potter,” Peter said. “Congratulations on being a Dad.”

They all raised their glasses, then drank.

“To Lily,” James said, “for making me the happiest man alive. Again.”

They raised their glasses and drank again.

“To Harry,” Sirius said. “With his his teeny, tiny hands and feet. And the cutest little nose.”

They drank again.

“To Sirius,” Remus said, thinking of the man he’d seen at the hospital, the best version of Sirius, the one who made him feel that everything was going to be alright, “who’s going to be the best bloody Godfather ever.”

Then James toasted his parents, who had died a couple of years back, and Remus toasted Lily’s parents, who had died in suspicious circumstances less than a year ago, and the mood shifted. The deaths of Lily’s parents had come at the same time as the deaths of several other muggle families with magical connections. It wasn’t clear that they had been murdered by Death Eaters, but it wasn’t clear that they hadn’t either. Then Sirius toasted the Prewitt brothers and they all began to toast Order members they had lost.

“What the fuck am I doing?” James said suddenly, in a quiet pause as they remembered a muggle family whose names nobody could remember, who had been murdered less than a week ago. Once, Remus had memorised the name of every person killed by the Death Eaters, but it wasn’t just because he’d drunk too much that he couldn’t remember their names. There were just too many now.

“You’re drinking, Prongs,” Peter said.

“Thank you, Captain Obvious,” Sirius said, raising his glass and taking another gulp, but James didn’t even glance at them.

Remus stood, wobbling only slightly, and walked across to pick up the bottle. He topped up James’s glass, then his own, then checked to see if Sirius or Peter wanted more. After topping them up as well, he put the bottle down and weaved back to his seat.

“What the fuck am I doing, Moony? Bringing a child into this world? This dangerous, fucked up world. What kind of life will he have?”

“He’ll have a great life, Prongs. He’s got you for a Dad and Lily for a mother. He’s got Sirius for a Godfather and Marlene for a godmother. He’s got Peter and me. He’s got…”

“He’s got the Marauders,” Sirius said. “He’s got the four of us. No child could want for anything when he’s got the Marauders behind him. We’ll be there to watch and protect him when he’s small. When he’s a teenager, we’ll be there to help him get into trouble – just enough – and then get him out of trouble when he needs it. Prongs will dote on him, Wormy will spoil him rotten, Moony will be sensible and kind, and I’ll teach him to play Quidditch.”

Sirius was in full flight now. He’d stood and then climbed onto the armchair he’d been sitting in. It was a little soft to stand on and he was wobbling alarmingly, spilling the firewhisky from his glass. But he’d grabbed the bottle as well, so he began drinking directly from that.

“He’s going to have a great life. It’s going to be amazing. We will have so much fun with him and he’ll be the happiest boy alive because he’s got us. He’s got the Marauders!”

“To the Marauders,” James said, his dark moment forgotten, swept away by Sirius’s passion.

“To the Marauders,” Peter said, standing and then drinking the rest of his glass.

“To the Marauders,” Remus said, as if he meant it, as if he was sure that everything would be fine.

Tonight, he would pretend that it was.


	2. Chapter 2

II.  
“Close your mouth, Severus, darling. You’re drooling.”

Severus looked up, startled, and lurched to his feet. He took Narcissa’s arm and helped her ease down onto the sofa. She was still as slim and elegant as ever, her face and her long, sharp nails perfectly painted, not a bleached blonde hair out of place, expensive robe hugging her form. Thesedays, however, her belly bulged out hugely, uncomfortably so given her daintly figure. Severus had commented more than once that it seemed unnatural, especially when the monster inside seemed to be trying to kick its way out. Narcissa just laughed and grabbed his hand, pressing it to her belly.

“I wasn’t drooling,” he snapped.

“Of course you were, darling. Don’t blame you really. He’s a bit young and closely related for my tastes, but he is rather gorgeous.”

“Cissa!”

“I’ve shocked you again, haven’t I, Severus.”

Severus turned his head away and folded his arms in front of him. He watched the group of men standing on the far side of the room. Regulus Black said something to the others and they all laughed, turning to look at Severus. He looked away, back to Narcissa.

“Don’t mind them,” she said. “You’re better than they are.”

Severus scowled.

“I don’t know where you get that idea from.”

“Oh, Severus, don’t be like that darling. You know I love you.”

Narcissa put a hand on his shoulder and gave a squeeze. Her tone was sharp, as always, but her hand was gentle. He knew she actually cared, which was more than he could say for any of his other so-called friends.

“I did want to talk to you about something, Severus.”

He turned to her, seeing a faint frown marring her perfect forehead.

“What’s the matter?”

“Oh, nothing’s wrong. I just wanted to ask you something. It’s… it’s quite big.”

Severus looked at her impassively, his face showing none of the anxiety her words caused. He had kept a fair few of Narcissa’s secrets, even from her husband and the Dark Lord. If she wanted to ask him something “quite big”, that really meant something.

“Narcissa, darling, you’ll never guess what Regulus just told us. It’s priceless. Absolutely hilarious.”

Lucius had appeared beside then, laughing his pompous, upper class bray. The sound made Severus want to punch him in the face.

“Regulus just told us what his brother and his friends used to call Snape in school.”

Lucius didn’t so much as glance in Severus’s direction. He wasn’t even worth the effort of moving his eyeballs.

“Snivellus,” Lucius announced triumphantly, before breaking into his horrible laugh again. He didn’t seem to expect his wife to join in.

Narcissa gave her husband a blank look. She blinked a couple of times then held his gaze in silence until he began to look uncomfortable.

“Darling,” she said, her voice devoid of any affection, “I was just asking Severus if he would consider being Godfather to our child.”

“What? That half-blood pansy? Snivellus?”

Lucius laughed again after he spoke. This time it was closer to a giggle, and displayed the man’s discomfort.

“But darling, seriously, we agreed on Rabastan and Bellatrix.”

“ _You_ agreed on Rabastan and Bellatrix. _I_ didn’t.”

Lucius frowned slightly.

“But Rabastan’s my best friend, and Bellatrix is your sister. They’re perfect.”

“I wanted Dromeda, not Trixie. If I can’t have Dromeda, then I’m having Severus.”

At the mention of Andromeda Black – now bearing the Muggle name Tonks – a flash of revulsion crossed his face, before an expression of resignation settled there.

“Very well,” he sighed, before turning sharply and walking away.

“Who in Merlin’s name says “very well” thesedays,” Narcissa muttered.

“Your husband, evidently,” Severus replied.

“What an arse. He really is the most pretentious git.”

“He’s your husband.”

“So? He’s also a complete twat, Severus. You know he’s ordered white peacocks for the Manor? Thinks they’d look good prancing around the the lawns. They’ll shit everywhere.”

“Cissa!”

“Oh come on, Severus. You’re the one who taught me to swear in the first place.”

“That was a long time ago.”

Severus cross his arms and turned away. He hated to be reminded of that time, when he’d arrived at Hogwarts as an eleven-year-old and placed in Slytherin. The other Slytherins had mostly been purebloods, and all had been brought up with magic and proper elocution. Severus had been a skinny, angry half-blood, with an accent that marked him as “common” and no concept of personal hygeine. Even in his own house, he’d been picked on and excluded.

But Narcissa had been a prefect and, as such, obliged to keep an eye out for him. She’d insisted that he bathe and, when he’d been reluctant, had taught him to use cleaning spells. She had coached his speech until he sounded like he belonged – although she’d picked up some of Severus’s language in the process. She had taken him to see Madame Pomphrey when the other Slytherins or the Marauders had done more damage than she could patch up herself. She had taught him to control his emotions and behave like a proper Slytherin. In her sarcastic way, she had been kind to him, even though he couldn’t imagine why she would do so, except out of obligation.

He’d missed her when she left. He wrote to her occasionally, mostly to tell her when he’d got a good result in a test or earned house points, but didn’t see her again for years, until he’d taken the Mark and finished school. Then he and the other younger Death Eaters had been included in various social events held by the older and wealthier families, like the Lestranges and Malfoys.

Things had been different between them then. He was playing the perfect Slytherin, with his accent and his posture and his sneer, even though he knew they’d never fully accept him. She was playing the devoted wife to the man her parents had wanted her to marry for his money and prestige, even though he was stupid and selfish, and would come home from a night out with his friends smelling like Knockturn Alley whores. All he really seemed to want from his wife was an ornament at parties and an heir.

“Did you really want Andromeda to be Godmother?”

Severus turned back to Narcissa, wondering whether she had secretly reconciled with the sister who had been expunged from the family tree.

“If possible, yes I did.”

“Why? I thought you haven’t spoken in years.”

“We haven’t. But I know Dromeda. She’s got a good heart and she likes children. If something happened to me, she’d take my child in a heartbeat. And she’s as fierce as any Black when defending what she believes in. She won’t let Lucius or his family – or the rest of our family for that matter – push her around. She’d do her best for my child.”

Severus nodded. That was Narcissa all over – ruthlessly pragmatic.

“Of course, Lucius and his family would never allow it. But it does give me leverage to get what I want on other things.”

She placed a hand on his arm.

“What do you think, Severus? Will you be Godfather?”

“Are you… do you really want me to be? Why would you?”

“Because you’re my friend, Severus. A proper friend, not someone who finds my company socially advantageous. And because I know you’d do your best for my child if something happened to me. You’re loyal to a fault. And you’re not a fanatical, murderous psychopath. That’s definitely a point in your favour.”

Severus was silent. Did Narcissa know what happened on the raids? He was suddenly remembering the previous night, a muggle family whose eldest child had just received a Hogwarts letter. He could still hear the screams in his head. He hated hearing women scream, it reminded him of his mother, but it made him angry enough to join in the torture and slaughter. If he had the chance, he’d always take the men. He hated killing women and children, but he could pretend the men were his father and watch them writhe in agony with a sick sense of satisfaction. When Narcissa elbowed him in the side, he jumped.

“Severus, love, are you alright?”

“Cissa,” he said quietly, “I am a murderous psychopath.”

She placed her hand over his.

“You’re not, Severus. You’re a good man. I trust you. I trust you with my child. Please, will you do this.”

He gave a slow sigh and nodded, glancing at her before looking away into the distance.

“Thank, you, love. That means a lot to me.”

He nodded again but said nothing. She sat beside him in silence and he was grateful for it. He knew that they were both in over their heads but it did no good to say it.

“You know, he’s not a murderous psychopath either.”

“What?”

Severus turned her head to look at Narcissa, who now had a faint smirk on her face.

“Regulus,” she said. “You were looking at him again.”

“I wasn’t.”

“You don’t have to pretend to me, darling. I know you fancy him.”

Severus would have denied it, but he had no reason to lie to Narcissa. He know she wouldn’t betray his trust. Instead he gave a shrug.

“He’s a good kid, Severus. He’s got a kind heart. I think he’d be good for you.”

“That’s why he told them all what his brother called me at school, I suppose. Because he’s got a kind heart.”

“He’s not his brother. Siri’s the brave one. He was defiant and disobedient and didn’t care what anyone thought. Reg is a gentler soul. He wasn’t brave. All he wanted was approval. He’d do anything for a bit of attention and praise. He did everything his parents wanted, tried so hard to be the perfect son. Now he’s trying to be the perfect Death Eater.”

Severus turned back. He remembered Regulus at school, and some of what Narcissa said make sense. Regulus had always been eager to please. He’d also, like his brother, been blessed with charisma and good looks and, also like his brother, had been quite willing to use that to his advantage.

“It would be good for you to have someone, Severus. I know you’re lonely.”

“I’m not.”

“Yes you are,” she said, giving another touch to his hand.

Severus knew she was right and that it was pointless to disagreee on that.

“He’d never look at me anyway. Who would? Look at him. He could have anyone he wanted. And the rumours suggest he does. Why would he want me? Why would anyone want me?”

“Darling, not this again. You’re not some hideous freak. Whatever your father said to you, whatever those horrible Gryffindors said to you, you’re not ugly. You’re not unattractive.”

Severus hunched in on himself. He remembered the charm that the Marauders had put on him in fifth year. Every mirror he looked at, or even walked past, shattered. The other students had thought it was hilarious, even most of the Slytherins. Regulus had certainly been among those laughing. But then, he would have been. He always went along with what the others did.

“You could make more of yourself, Severus. You aren’t unattractive, but you look like you don’t care about yourself. If you did something about your teeth and…”

“Cissa, no.”

“Oh, darling, are you sure I couldn’t give you a makeover? I could do your hair and sort out your teeth, some nice new robes. You wouldn’t know yourself.”

She nudged him in the side with her elbow.

“Go on, Severus. Pleeeeease?”

She nudged him again and he rolled his eyes in response.

“You are not giving me a makeover, Narcissa, and that’s final.”

“Oh, go on. You know you’d love it, really.”

Severus shook his head, but the scowl had left his face.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dumbledore has a job for Remus.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter may be triggering, trauma and some dissociation are implied although not graphic. Also contains a fairly unhealthy relationship with slight dub-con. I promise that things will get better, eventually.

III.  
Remus always hated the way Dumbledore put his hand on his shoulder. Although he was now a little stooped, he’d once been a similar height to Remus. He would draw himself up and lift his hand, then press the hand down a little as he laid it on Remus’s shoulder. Perhaps it was that pressing down, that weight, reminding Remus of the weight of debt he owed Dumbledore for the opportunity to attend Hogwarts.

The hand often came with bad news, or with a request. In this case, it came with both.

“You are aware of Fenrir Greyback, of course,” Dumbledore said, his tone cautious, as if he expected Remus to run out of the room when he said his name. Perhaps that was the reason for the hand on his shoulder. Remus did feel like running, but his body just froze. His gut gave a jolt and then felt as if it was falling in on itself and dragging his body with it.

“The Ministry’s kept an eye on him, of course. He’s mostly up around Yorkshire, has a bit of a pack around him. It’s been no more than a dozen for years, but reports have come through that it’s been growing lately.”

Dumbledore removed his hand, and began to pace around his office.

“I’ve had a couple of Order members do a bit of digging around, see what they can find. The answer is disturbing. Greyback seems to have been… recruiting.”

Remus continued to stand completely still. He was aware of Dumbledore’s words and his movement, but his mind had decided to step back a little. There was a gap between him and the world, as if he was standing on the platform and the rest of the world was standing on the train.

“What do you mean? he asked, his voice sounding perfectly normal.

“There have been a number of werewolf attacks. Some children but also a lot of young men. Muggles, generally those living on the margins, often with criminal records. Turned more often than killed.”

“Why?” Remus asked, his mind still watching from a safe distance.

“We don’t know. He’s up to something, certainly, but it’s not clear what.”

Dumbledore stopped his pacing and moved back beside Remus, restoring his hand to Remus’s shoulder. When he spoke again, his voice was gentle, although the words were not.

“That’s where you come in, Remus.”

Remus knew immediately where Dumbledore was going. His face stayed impassive while his mind, a safe distance away, began to panic.

“We, the Order, have an opportunity here. As a werewolf, you can gain access we never could and find out what is going on. There seems little doubt that there is some connection to You-know-who, but we don’t know what. You can get that for us.”

“I see.”

Remus wondered how his voice managed to sound so calm when inside him was chaos.

“Of course, we can’t ask you to go straight to Greyback. We will be placing you with a pack in Wiltshire. Quite civilised, they live in a couple of cottages on a bit of land there, run in the New Forest at the full moon. Some time with them will help establish your credentials. Might look a bit suspicious to have you go from living in Holland Park to joining up with Greyback.”

Dumbledore gave an awkward chuckle at his own words and patted Remus’s shoulder. The calm part of Remus realised that mean Dumbledore knew about him and Sirius. Of course he did. Remus wondered what else he knew.

“You’ll need to leave a few days before the next full moon.”

Remus nodded.

“Of course,” he said, his mind calculating. The moon was waxing gibbous, just past first quarter, which meant it was about a week until it was full.

“How long will I be there?” he asked.

“Oh, I imagine a month or so. You won’t fit in there, they are rather conservative, your drinking and… other aspects… won’t be compatible. You’ll join another pack after that, perhaps the group up in Dumfries. They’ve got links to Greyback, much rougher. It’s going to take time to get you close, with your background, but I’ve no doubt you will win them over, my boy.”

Remus had left Dumbledore’s office with his mind whirling. He had left calmly, walked to the edge of Hogwarts grounds, then apparated back to the flat he shared with Sirius. It had belonged to Sirius’s uncle and Sirius had inherited a year ago. Remus felt guilty living there, contributing little, but it wasn’t as if Sirius had to pay rent.

Once he was home, Remus headed for the liquor cabinet. It was a beautiful antique but stocked only with cheap firewhisky and muggle vodka. Remus poured himself a drink and swallowed it quickly, before pouring himself another and heading for the couch.

Sirius wasn’t home and Remus wasn’t sure if he was relieved or upset. He wanted to feel Sirius’s arms around him. He wanted to feel Sirius’s lips on his. He wanted to lose himself in Sirius. On the other hand, he’d have to tell Sirius what Dumbledore had said, and that wouldn’t go well. He wasn’t in the mood to deal with Sirius’s drama. Without a doubt, if Remus told Sirius that he was off to spy on the werewolves for at least the next six months, he would have to.

Remus wasn’t sure how long he’d been sitting on the couch drinking before Sirius came home. But finally he heard the door and Sirius breezed into the room. It was as if someone had turned on a light.

“Moony,” he said, bending down to kiss Remus on the head before flopping beside him on the sofa, “today was amazing. We went to investigate someone selling dark objects and there were Death Eaters there. Well we didn’t know they were Death Eaters but their tried to run and Moody sent Shackbolt and Prongs and me after one of them and we took him down and when we’d arrested him we found he had the Dark Mark.”

Remus looked at Sirius and smiled.

“That’s great. You weren’t scared?”

Sirius snorted.

“He was hardly older than us, pretty sure I remember him from Hogwarts, a couple of years ahead. Slytherin of course. Fuck, to think we were at school with a Death Eater.”

Remus was silent for a moment. The discussions at Order meetings had suggested that there were quite a few recent Hogwarts graduates who had joined. Most were Slytherin, as expected, but Moody was convinced that there were some from other houses as well.

“I mean, I know that, in my head. I know that there must be quite a few that we know. But seeing it in front of me, actually seeing the mark, seeing the expression of hatred on his face, it was… I don’t know, Moony. More real maybe?”

Remus nodded.

“Yeah, it does bring it home, Pads.”

Sirius picked the firewhisky bottle and poured some into the glass that Remus had been drinking from. He drank most of it then handed the glass over to Remus.

“You’ve been drinking a while,” he said.

“And?” Remus replied, knowing that his tone was defensive.

Sirius watched him without saying anything. Remus knew that once he spoke things would go to hell, and if he was more sober, he’d have just shrugged. Then Sirius would have grabbed some food and they’d have eaten and continued to drink, and then eventually gone to bed. If Sirius was sober enough, Remus would let Sirius fuck him, since he knew Sirius liked that and Remus wanted to make him feel good even though there was something about it that made him feel knotted up inside and as if the world was tilting and he was going to fall off. Then Remus would wake with a hangover, staggering to the kitchen for coffee and a headache potion, and they would go on as if everything was fine.

But Remus opened his mouth and spoke.

“I saw Dumbledore today. He’s got work for me.”

“That’s good, right? Something to do? Earn a bit of money?”

“Good that it’s something to do I guess. He didn’t mention payment, now I think about it.”

“Moony, you’ve got to stand up for yourself.”

“I know, I know. But… the thing is… he wants me to spy on werewolves.”

“Yeah?”

Sirius didn’t get it, Remus could see that.

“I’ll have to… I’ll have to live with the packs, starting out in Wiltshire, but then up in Scotland, then…”

“What? You’ll be away?”

“He said… Dumbledore said… I might be able to meet you sometimes, maybe a few hours, when I’m supposed to be off doing something or other, maybe every couple of weeks?”

“Every couple of weeks? How long? How bloody long are you going to be away?”

Sirius had stood now and Remus was looking up at him.

“He wasn’t exactly sure. Maybe… he said at least six months.”

“Six months! What the fuck?”

Sirius’s voice was raised now and he was visibly angry.

“That’s fucking insane. He can’t send you away like that. How dare he?”

Remus began to struggle to his feet.

“Padfoot, it’s alright.”

“No, it’s fucking NOT alright.”

He was yelling, and although Remus knew Sirius wasn’t angry at him, it felt as if he was. After all, Remus was the one getting shouted at, even though he was the one who had to leave his friends to go and live with the werewolves, in the hope he’d be able to cosy up to the man who’d ruined his life. Some tiny part of Remus tried to point out that something was wrong with that picture but Remus shoved it away.

“I’ll see you sometimes, Pads. I’m sure we will be able to get more than a couple of hours. It’ll be okay, I’m sure it will.”

“Moony, don’t be like that. You’re just always…”

Sirius turned his back, shoulders tight with frustration, hands clenched into fists. He let out a string of curses under his breath and Remus knew he was trying to calm himself without exploding. Remus knew what a struggle Sirius had with his wild emotions and dark moods, how something would upset him and he’d reel out of control. He knew the shadows that followed him, even though he'd left his family behind and never even spoke of them.

“Padfoot,” he said gently, placing his hands on Sirius’s shoulders. “Padfoot, breathe. It’s alright.”

Sirius let out a breath that was more of a sigh and Remus squeezed the tight muscles beneath his fingers.

“Come on, love. Sit down in front of me and I’ll do your shoulders.”

Sirius nodded and sat down in front of the sofa and Remus sat beside him, fingers pressing into the knotted muscles. He worked away at Sirius’s shoulders, neither of them speaking, Sirius letting out an occasional groan and Remus periodically asking “okay, love?” Slowly, Sirius relaxed and moved himself from the floor to sit beside Remus.

“Moony, I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay.”

“It’s just… you know I worry about you.”

“I worry about you too, Padfoot. Those auror missions are dangerous.”

“Prongs and I will be fine. Moody’s keeping an eye on us, since we’re Order. He puts us with Shacklebolt mostly, who knows what he’s about. Or Dawlish, who’s not Order but is solid. Neither of us have had to work with Proudfoot or Robards. It’s you I worry about. I don’t like to think of you out there, without us at the full moon, with those… those…”

“Werewolves, Padfoot? Ones like me?”

“They’re not like you, Moony. You’re sweet and soft and kind. Those packs… they won’t be like you.”

“After all, they’re dark creatures, aren’t they?”

Remus couldn’t keep the acid from his voice.

“Moony, you know what I mean. You had your parents, you went to Hogwarts, you had us. And you have a gentle heart. I don’t know how you’ll survive with those packs of… well, you know. I’ll worry about you. Every minute.”

“I know, Padfoot, I know.”

Remus leaned forward and pressed his lips to Sirius’s forehead. Sirius responded by lifting his head, mouth seeking Remus’s, tongue slipping inside as his hands pulled Remus in closer. Then Remus was on his back, pinned to the couch under Sirius, and he gave himself over to what would inevitably come next.


	4. Chapter 4

IV.  
Severus held the front of Regulus’s robes with both hands and slammed him back against the wall.

“You idiot, you stupid, fucking idiot, what in Merlin’s name did you think you were doing?”

His face was close to Regulus’s and Severus realised he’d sprayed a few drops of spit on him. He didn’t care. Regulus was staring back, wide-eyed, mouth half open as if he was starting to say something, but he didn’t speak.

“Rosier is dead, Black. Dead,” Severus hissed, and Regulus flinched. “And it’s your fucking fault. So I’ll ask you again. What the fuck were you doing?”

“I… I…”

Regulus closed his mouth and swallowed. Severus released his robe and turned away, before whirling around again and slamming his hand against the wall beside Regulus’s head.

“Did you do it on purpose? Were you trying to get him killed? Or us killed?”

Regulus shook his head.

“No, no, I wasn’t… I’d never…”

“So you’re a fucking coward then?”

Regulus stared back at him for a moment, then lowered his eyes.

“Yeah, well,” he mumbled, “it was my brother that was sorted into Gryffindor, not me.”

Severus sighed. He knew the brothers had a difficult relationship – Narcissa had told him that their mother had played the two boys off against each other. Regulus was convinced his parents favoured the bold and charismatic older boy, while Sirius, if Narcissa was to be believed, was convinced his parents preferred his quiet, compliant younger brother. Thinking of Sirius always tended to make Severus feel sorry for Regulus. He knew what it meant to always feel second-best.

“So, you were scared, then? We all get scared. We just don’t all run away.”

“I know. But… when the aurors arrived, I panicked.”

“You apparated. You fucking apparated out of there and the apparation crack gave our position away.”

“I didn’t think. It was Mad-eye Moody. He’s… well, mad.”

“That’s no excuse. You left Rosier and I to try and fight them off.”

“I know. I’m… sorry, for what it’s worth. And I do know I’m a coward.”

“Doesn’t bring Rosier back though, does it.”

Severus sighed and grabbed Regulus’s arm. They’d have to head back to their master and report on what happened, and that wouldn’t go well. Rosier was a real loss. He was a decent bloke, not some sadistic psychopath like MacNair or Avery, or a pervert like Mulciber. He lacked the imagination to question his family’s opinions and had simply become a Death Eater because his father was one. He saw the killing as a necessity but not a pleasure. Severus liked working with him.

And now he was dead and they would have to face the consequences.

Even though it had been Regulus’s panic which had given their position away, Severus knew he had to take some of the blame himself. He knew that Regulus was a weak link, and he shouldn’t have allowed him to be in a position where he would panic. Once Regulus had gone, he and Rosier had had to face the aurors, and Severus knew that he hadn’t been blameless then either. Rosier always kept his head – he was unfailingly brave but never reckless – but Severus didn’t. When the battle heated up, Severus always found his emotions took over. He would feel the anger course through him and his judgement would falter. His aim would be off, or his timing. He’d miss shots he could have taken if he’d had his emotions under control. If he hadn’t been weak, Rosier might still be alive.

At first, Severus thought he and Regulus had got off lightly. They’d reported the bare facts back to their master, as Severus knew there was no point in explaining the detail or finger-pointing. The Dark Lord would punish them both as he saw fit. He had been angry of course, but after a short period of cursing them, he’d left them lying on the floor trembling and wandered back to his chair to talk to one of the lackeys who was in attendance. The lackey – Severus thought it might have been Barty Crouch – walked past and gave both of them a sharp kick in the ribs before leaving the room. Severus began to push himself up to crawl away when he was heard the command.

“Stop.”

Severus dropped back to the ground and didn’t look up. He should have known it wasn’t over and had no desire to antagonise his master further. Then he heard the door open and several sets of feet walk into the room.

“Ah, Walden, I thought you might assist with this one.”

A pair of heavy booted feet walked over to Severus.

“Of course, my Lord,” Macnair said, sounding far too pleased.

“Hmm, and Lucius…”

Severus twisted slightly so he could see what was going on. The Dark Lord had his wand pointed at Regulus and Lucius Malfoy walked over beside him.

“Bellatrix…”

Narcissa’s deranged sister walked over and stood beside Severus. Her husband, who was as stupid as Lucius as well as lazy, and unlikely to inflict too much damage, stood beside Regulus.

“Barty…”

The young man moved over beside Severus.

“Igor… Antonin… Thorfinn…”

Severus gave a sigh which may have come out sounding more like a whimper. He could see how this was going. He got the sadists and fanatics who would enjoy nothing better than torturing a half-blood, while Regulus got the laziest and least competent, those who would do precisely enough to please their master and no more.

When they were finished with him, Severus wasn’t even sure if he could move. He felt himself begin to float, but couldn’t see to know who was moving him or where to. Eventually he felt damp ground under him and falling rain on him, and assumed he’d been dumped somewhere on or outside the Lestrange estate, where the Dark Lord was currently encamped.

He made a few half-hearted efforts to rise, but that only resulted in him being sick then falling back into the mess he’d made. His only choice was to wait until he felt well enough to move, which might be some time, so he closed his eyes and tried to pretend that the cold rain was soothing.

“Severus.”

The voice was hoarse from screaming, but still a relief to hear. He tried to reply and managed only a groan.

“They were really hard on you, weren’t they? I got off lightly. That wasn’t fair. Why didn’t you let me say it was my fault?”

When Regulus had opened his mouth to speak in front of the Dark Lord, Snape had silenced him with a glare. It would have only made things worse.

“W… w… nnnng.”

“Sorry, I shouldn’t be asking you questions. Here.”

Severus felt a gentle cleaning spell pass across him, before Regulus leaned in close and slid an arm behind his shoulders. He lifted Severus until he was supported against Regulus’s chest.

“Drink this.”

Severus felt cool glass at his lips and a bitter liquid trickle onto his tongue. He swallowed then held his breath, willing it to stay down. After what could have been a few seconds, or a few minutes, he began to feel slightly better. He pulled himself away from Regulus.

“Uh… thanks.”

He reached inside his robe and fumbled around until his fingers touched a vial. He pulled it out and swallowed a mouthful. Immediately, his head cleared. He took a couple of breaths, then began pushing himself upright.

“I have to go,” he said, knowing that the potion would keep him going for a few minutes but that he’d be a wreck again once it wore off.

“Severus, don’t. Come back to mine.”

Severus shook his head and turned away, but stopped when he felt a hand on his arm.

“You look awful, Severus. You’ll need a bit more than a dose of enervating potion to put you right. I’ve got… I’ve got a good stock of healer supplies at home.”

“You look like shit, too. Hardly in a state to look after me.”

“I’ve got a good house elf. Come on.”

Before Severus could protest further, Regulus had wrapped an arm around him and they were apparating. They landed with an uncomfortable jolt in front of a large door. Severus managed to stay on his feet only by clinging to Regulus’s robe. He heard the door open but didn’t turn to look.

“For Merlin’s sake, Reggie, I’ve told you before not to bring your sluts back here. Your father and I don’t want to know about your perversions.”

Severus tried to twist away from Regulus, but the arm around him held firm.

“Severus is a friend, Mother. He’s one of us. He got injured when we were…”

Regulus dropped his eyes under his mother’s glare.

“Yes, I heard about that debacle,” she replied, distaste evident on her face. “Whose fault was it, then? And don’t try and pin the blame on that Rosier boy. It wouldn’t have been him. Was it you being a coward again?”

Severus felt Regulus sigh against him.

“Could we do this another time, Mother? It’s late and, as you can surely see, neither of us is quite up to it right now.”

Regulus walked forward, dragging Severus with him. His mother stepped in front of Severus but she was still looking at Regulus.

“Don’t think you can avoid responsibility. Your father and I will speak to you tomorrow.”

Regulus tried to drag Severus away, but his mother stood her ground.

“And what did you say your name was, boy?”

Severus lifted his chin slightly.

“I didn’t,” he said, scowling at the woman who looked like a sharper, nastier version of her son.

“Severus Snape,” Regulus said.

“Snape? Never heard of any Snapes.”

She grabbed at his left arm, and before Severus could do anything, she had pushed up the sleeve to reveal his dark mark.

“Well, well. Our lord must be lowering his standards.”

She dropped his arm and stepped back to let them pass.

Severus’s first thought on seeing Regulus’s room was that the entire house at Spinner’s End could have fitted into it. There was a canopied bed that was larger than Severus’s childhood bedroom, a leather couch, several chests and cabinets of various shapes and sizes, a couple of enormous trunks and a door through which Severus could see a huge bath. The dark wooden floor was covered with heavy rugs. It looked expensive but unwelcoming.

The enervating potion had worn off, and Severus barely made it to the couch. He sat leaning forward with his head in his hands. The room was starting to spin and he was starting to feel ill again. Every now and again, the muscles in his legs would cramp up and send pain shooting up into his hips.

“Here.”

Regulus shoved another potion bottle in his hand. Severus drank it without thinking. After a few moments, the room stopped revolving around him.

“Better?” Regulus asked, this time offering him a glass. When Severus didn’t respond, Regulus spoke again.

“You probably need this. I know I do.”

Regulus took his own glass and sat beside Severus on the couch. He downed most of the contents while Severus took a cautious sip. It was firewhisky, brutally potent. Regulus was right, it was just what he needed.

“Your mother…” he said, once his throat stopped burning. “How did she know what happened?”

“Mother and Father hear everything. They… take a close interest. Don’t get involved in any dirty work, but they donate a lot of money.”

“Oh,” Severus said, taking another sip. “Your mother… seems like a charming woman.”

“Charming? Oh… yes… very charming. Absolutely delightful. Filled with the milk of human kindness and all that. I can assure you that my father is equally pleasant as well. And they’re so devoted. They’d never thing of screaming and hurling hexes at each other or their children.”

Severus nodded. For all the luxury surrounding Regulus, he realised that the Black home probably hadn’t been much happier than his own.

“And your mother?” Regulus said.

Severus hadn’t intended to take the conversation in that direction, but Regulus was looking at him now. He’d shared something of his life, and expected the same from Severus. He gave a sigh.

“Temperate,” he said through clenched teeth as another spasm ran through his legs.

Regulus frowned in confusion for a moment.

“Temperate? Like… as sober as Mother is charming?”

Severus nodded, looking away and focusing his attention on the stack of books on a table at the end of the couch. He had no desire to explain to a rich boy what it was like growing up in a house where the all the money was spent on alcohol. Regulus probably understood better than most, if his parents were screaming and throwing hexes, but the thought of saying it was too much.

He felt a hand gently squeeze his arm.

“I’m sorry, Severus. I shouldn’t be interrogating you right now. We need to get you patched up.”

Severus kept staring at the books. He felt Regulus get up from the couch and then return moments later and place something on the floor.

“Kreacher?” Regulus said.

Severus glanced around to see a house elf standing in front of Regulus. Even by house elf standards, this one looked scruffy and battered, as if he’d had a long, hard life.

“Young master? How can Kreacher be assisting?”

Regulus spoke softly and the elf looked back with wide eyes. He pointed his bony finger and moved his hand and Severus saw a shimmer of magic pass between them. Regulus then reached into a leather case, which was evidently the item he had collected before and took out a couple of small potion vials. The elf passed both hands over the vials and then Regulus drank one after the other.

The elf and Regulus both then turned to Severus.

“Sir is lying down on the couch,” the elf said, then prodded Severus in the arm when he didn’t immediately respond.

“Lie down, Severus,” Regulus said, moving away so Severus had more room to lie down. “Kreacher will heal that cut on your head. He’s also got a good spell for the Cruciatus curse. It reduces the muscle spasms.”

Severus stared for a moment, then gave in and lay down. The elf moved across and pointed his finger. Severus felt his muscles relax and the aches in them easing as he worked. Regulus then stepped into his field of vision, holding a small jar.

“I’ll put some of this on your bruises,” he said, before kneeling beside Severus and starting with his face.

Severus felt himself being to blush. He’d spent many miserable nights back in his room at the boarding house, suffering alone and wishing someone cared enough to be there. But now he actually had someone looking after him – well, one person and one house elf – he felt like he wanted to run away. He felt stupid and ashamed to be in such a position.

“I’m fine, really, I should go.”

“Rubbish, Severus. You’re in a real state and it’s my fault. This is the least I can do.”

Regulus began unbuttoning Severus’s robe and before he could protest, was rubbing the salve onto the bruises on Severus’s chest.

“Master Regulus, Kreacher is finished.”

“Oh, thank you Kreacher. Do you think you could bring us some tea? And maybe something to eat?”

The elf disappeared with a quick nod. Severus remembered something Narcissa had said about her cousin, how he had befriended all the house elves – not just at his home, but at the houses of all his relatives and his parents’ friends as well. He knew all their names and asked after their relatives with interest. Virtually all Severus’s house mates in Slytherin had grown up with elves, but Regulus was the only one that Severus could ever remember thanking one of them for anything.

To Severus relief, Regulus finished applying the salve and let Severus rebutton his own robe.

“I should go,” Severus said.

He did feel much better and was almost sure he could apparate without splinching.

“Don’t be silly. You can stay here tonight. Take my bed. I can sleep on the couch.”

“No… no, I have to go.”

“Severus…”

Regulus placed his hand heavily on Severus’s arm.

“Stay, Severus, please. I don’t feel like being alone and I doubt you do either. Kreacher will bring some food and then you should sleep. I’ll read for a bit and then should do the same.”

Regulus had pulled a couple of books off the pile by the couch and had one open in front of him.

“What are you reading? Surely you’re not trying to study now?”

Regulus sighed and rubbed a hand across his forehead.

“It’s… Father gave me these from the library. He… he thought… the might help me be less of a coward.”

He turned a page, although Severus didn’t think he was really absorbing any of it.

“What?”

“They’re about… ways of controlling your mind, keeping emotions under control, certain thoughts masked, that kind of thing. It should help, in theory, but I’m useless at it. I just know father’s going to have a go at me tomorrow over it. Well, today, probably. It’s after midnight now.”

Severus leaned over to look at the books.

“Is there anything I can do to help?”

“I doubt it, unless you happen to be an occlumency expert.”

“I… occlumency? I don’t even think I’ve heard of it.”

Severus pulled one of the books closer to him and opened it.

“It’s pretty obscure and considered fairly dark. But just the kind of thing that would be in the Black family library.”

Severus scanned the first few pages of the book and found himself caught up in genuine enthusiasm.

“Sounds intriguing. I’d love to know more.”

“You’re such a nerd, Severus. I should have known that you’d be keen. But I won’t complain – if you manage to figure out what this book is actually getting at, I’d be eternally grateful.”


	5. Chapter 5

V.

The werewolves in Wiltshire weren’t so bad, at first. There was a small cottage where four of them lived and a converted barn for the rest. The downstairs of the barn was a large space which was used for most communal activities. There were bedrooms upstairs as well as a shared bathroom which was well past its best, but it did have hot water at least some of the time.

The cottage and barn stood on a small plot of land, where the werewolves grew vegetables and fruit, and kept chickens and a couple of pigs. Remus enjoyed working in the garden and orchard. He liked being outside and the physical labour made him feel like he’d done something useful. The chickens were good company, scratching around under the trees in the orchard and coming to check if there were any tasty bugs to pick up when he turned the compost pile. He started getting attached to the chickens and pigs quite quickly, and was secretly relieved that, according to Dumbledore’s plan, he would be long gone before he was likely to have to eat any of them.

A couple of the werewolves had proper jobs, driving the group’s battered old van into Salisbury each week day. The others picked up work where they could, mainly labouring on building sites or gardening and odd jobs. There were a few elderly women and one couple that the werewolves did regular gardening for. Remus, who combined physical size and strength with a quiet, unintimdating manner, quickly became popular with them.

Remus was useful at the full moon too. A couple of nights before, the three of them who were competent wizards and had wands went out and began warding a section of forest, to keep everyone out of the area where they would transform. The night before the moon, they checked the wards and searched the area to ensure that they hadn’t accidentally warded any ponies in. This had, apparently, happened a couple of times and the pack was terrified that they would miss one and that it would get ripped to pieces by the wolves.

In many ways, it was an idyllic existence and, if he’d had Sirius there with him, Remus could have lived there quite happily, if it wasn’t for one thing.

The Wiltshire werewolves were deeply religious.

Most of his mother’s family had been nominally Methodist, so Remus didn’t find the concept of religion entirely foreign. But this religion seemed very different.

“We are a Godly community here,” one of the group leaders, an older man named Colin, had said to Remus on his arrival. “We live as the early Christians did, with Christ as our shield against the world of sin and persecution around us. If you are venturing Outside, you must guard against the temptation of Sin and Excess. We drink no alcohol here, for example, nor other addictive drinks, nor do we eat the kinds of modern foods which encourage Gluttony and Indulgence.”

The man spoke as if giving a sermon, with an emphasis on words he deemed particularly important. Remus just nodded blandly, wondering what on earth he meant. It turned out that tea and coffee were addictive drinks, and almost anything with sugar was prohibited, including chocolate. Curry and other foods considered to have unchristian origins were also banned.

One of the others began to speak then.

“Of course, we do not engage in other temptations of the flesh here, except within marriage.”

Of course, Remus thought, not rolling his eyes but wishing he could.

“You will most certainty not be bringing any women back to your room here.”

Remus was able to give a more emphatic endorsement to that statement.

“Oh, certainly not,” he said.

The man seemed reassured by that.

Remus found himself easily accepted into the group. His habits of mildly agreeing with everyone as much as possible and tuning out things which made him uncomfortable meant that the other werewolves were all sure he felt the same way as they did. He was well-used to masking what he thought and felt, and never complained about the bland, repetitive meals, the lack of alcohol, the early morning prayer services or the evening sermons on the Evils of Indulgence, the Temptations of the Flesh or the Godliness of Persecution.

Remus shared a poky room containing two single beds with another werewolf who had been turned only a year ago. He was older than Remus and had apparently resented the world outside for many more years than he’d been a werewolf. He was especially bitter about women, who apparenly only seemed to want men who were arrogant, wealthy and attractive. Women, he explained to Remus, didn’t like nice guys like him.

Remus could have named any number of reasons that women might have disliked the man, first and foremost that he was a sexist arse. Marlene, who’d shared feminist pamphlets her cousin sent her in the Gryffindor common room and had organised protests over the prohibition on girls wearing trousers at Hogwarts, would have ripped him to shreds.

After two months of physical labour, praying, politely agreeing with everyone and staying out of trouble, Remus received a discreet owl from Dumbledore.

 _Time to move on. Mention the nature of your involvement with Black and remain unrepentant. That should do the trick_.

Remus had no doubt the Dumbledore was right. The group had been paying close attention to the letters of St Paul, in particular his views on women. They had not forgotten, however, to refer to his opinions on homosexuality, and Remus knew that any mention of his relationship with Sirius would be controversial, at best.

The following morning, he stirred his porridge around his bowl without eating any. He had to leave, he wanted to leave, but he still found it hard to face doing anything which would earn their disapproval. Even if they were sexist bigots, they were werewolves like him – the only other werewolves he’d ever met. And although he found many of their attitudes distasteful, he admired the way they had found meaning in their lycanthropy, seeing the suffering and persecution they faced as a blessing which brought them closer to God. Remus doubted he could ever be so accepting, the only meaning he’d found in his lycanthropy was self-loathing.

In the end, it wasn’t difficult to bring up the subject of Sirius. The group turned to discussing the Wizengamot, something Sirius had always had strong opinions on.

“Sirius said that the Wizengamot would never change their views on werewolves. At least not until they stop appointing so many traditionalist, pureblood wizards. He said they’re all too inbred to think any different.”

All eyes in the room were instantly on him. An opinion from Remus Lupin was not often heard. Colin narrowed his eyes at Remus from across the table.

“Sirius? Unusual name. Not a Black by any chance?”

Remus nodded, then quickly scooped up a spoonful of porridge. He swallowed it down, before realising he was in danger of it coming back up.

“And what would the likes of you be doing sharing opinions with a Black.”

Feeling a blush begin creeping up his neck, Remus took a sip of water to try and settle the lump of porridge in his throat.

“Uh… we were at school together.”

“School, I see. Were you close?”

Remus was now scarlet. He dropped his head and nodded.

“Very close.”

“When you say close…”

Colin paused and Remus was sure he was staring at him, waiting for him to speak.

“Oh, don’t be dense, Colin,” one of the other werewolves said, “I think Mr Lupin is informing us that he had some sort of liaison with Black. A sexual liaison. Is that true, Lupin?”

Remus nodded but didn’t look up. There were murmurs around the table and Remus distinctly heard the word “disgusting”.

“Now, now,” Colin said. “We must remember that God forgives all, even acts of perversion. Remus, you’ve turned your back on all that now, haven’t you?”

Remus lifted his head, saw all the eyes on him, then looked back down at the table.

“I… I don’t think… I don’t think I can. I can’t help who I’m attracted to.”

“You ask Jesus Christ to help you.”

Remus stood and shook his head.

“I’m… I’m queer, alright. It’s just… I tried not to be, when I was younger. I really tried. I…”

He glanced at Colin, who was looking at him with concern, as if he actually cared about Remus’s struggle. But he was the only one. Every other face was looking at him with pure revulsion.

“I… I’ll go now…”

Remus turned and fled.

He’d hoped to just grab his limited posessions and leave, but as he walked up to his room, he realised that he had company. His roommate and one of the others who had a bedroom in the barn were following him. He grabbed his clothes, toiletries and a couple of books, one of which had a few treasured photos tucked inside it. He didn’t take the bible he’d been given on his arrival.

His bag packed, Remus turned to find the two werewolves standing at the door, watching him.

“I can’t believe I’ve been sharing a room with a sick pervert like you.”

Remus shrugged and tried to walk past him.

“I’ll bet he’s been watching you. He’s probably getting off thinking about your arse.”

His roommate turned to the other man and gave him a shove.

“Shut up. Makes me sick to the stomach just thinking about it,” he said.

“Then don’t,” Remus snapped. “It’s none of your business anyway.”

“I think it is. I’ve been sharing a room with you for two months. I want to know if you’ve been spying on me. I want to know what’s in that sick little brain of yours. What sick thoughts you’ve been thinking about me.”

“You’ve got nothing to worry about,” Remus said, forcing himself to stand up a little straighter. “You’re about as attractive to me as you are to women.”

He didn’t see the punch coming. He just felt the blow to his face, then he was on the ground. Both men kicked him a few times, then spat on him, before hauling him up and shoving him through the door. He managed to get down the stairs without falling on his face and walked as swiftly as he could away from the place.

Dumbledore had been vague about exactly what was to happen next. He was to leave on a certain day and take the train to Salisbury and then on to Swindon. At some point, instructions would come.

The station wasn’t close to the werewolf community, and by the time he arrived Remus was feeling the effects of the beating he’d taken. He headed into the bathroom to try and clean himself up before attempting to buy a ticket. He felt self-conscious enough using muggle money to catch a muggle train, without drawing further attention to himself.

When he’d wiped the blood from his face – there was nothing he could do about the bruising – he stepped out of the bathroom and looked around for the ticket booth.

“Moony, there you are.”

Remus turned to see Sirius leaning against his motorbike and with a huge grin on his face. He smiled back, but saw Sirius’s grin fade as he caught sight of the state of Remus’s face.

“Moony, what happened?”

Then he pulled Remus into a hug.

“Ow, sorry, careful, not too tight.”

Sirius released him.

“What happened to you?”

Remus shook his head.

“It’s nothing. The werewolves didn’t like hearing I was… you know...”

“The bastards. I’ll fucking kill them.”

“Pads, please, not so loud. People will hear.”

“I don’t care, I’m not ashamed of who I am.”

“I know, but we don’t want to be noticed right now. What are you even doing here?”

“Oh, oh, right. Dumbledore said I could take you up to Scotland on my bike. Well, I convinced him. Wouldn’t take no for an answer.”

Remus gave him a soft smile.

“I’m glad. I’m so glad you’re here.”

Sirius hugged Remus again, this time without crushing his bruised ribs.

“Let’s get out of here, Moony.”

He transfigured a helmet for Remus and began to put his own on.

“We’ll have to stick to the roads and pretend to be muggle during daylight. It’ll be fun. We can be tourists.”

There was a glint of mischief in Sirius’s eyes, and Remus felt that things were alright for the first time since he’d started his mission.

Remus would hold on to the memory of that journey in the days and weeks to come. The wind on his face as Sirius sped along the back roads across the Downs. The solid strength of Sirius’s body as Remus held tight when they took a corner too fast.The patch of icing sugar on Sirius’s nose and cream at the corner of his mouth after they stopped at a bakery and ate cream buns. The hill where they’d stopped to watch the sun set and they’d kissed, and Sirius had looked at Remus with such love in his eyes that he almost forgot that they would part the next morning and not see each other for weeks.

He knew there would not be much comfort once he reached the pack near Dumfries.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning, there's some self-harming thoughts in here.
> 
> Also, I hadn't intended this to be so much about Severus and Regulus, but they wanted the extra attention and I found them rather sweet. I also intended there to be much more Sirius and Remus, but I promise that I will sort out their mess of a relationship eventually. But things may get worse before they get better...

VI.  
It might have been gratitiude. It might have been pity. It might have been an attempt to ensure his continued loyalty. What it wasn’t, Severus knew, was any sort of genuine feeling for him. There was no way that someone so beautiful and charming, who could have anyone he wanted, would want Severus. But at that moment, he didn’t care why Regulus had his mouth around his cock. He only knew that he’d never felt anything quite like it before.

He watched in fascination as Regulus slid his lips down and then back up, until he was just sucking on the head. Severus could feel his tongue working too. Then he was sliding down against, glancing up at Severus through his fringe of dark curls, looking pleased with himself. He moved up again, this time releasing the head, then licking it, slowly, holding Severus’s gaze. Then he opened his mouth, moved his head down and swallowed, and Severus was suddenly incapable of any rational thought.

By the time Severus could manage any sense, Regulus was leaning over him with a smug grin on his face.

“I think you enjoyed that,” Regulus said.

“Mmm,” Severus replied, coherent words still a little beyond him. He couldn’t quite believe what had just happened.

Regulus kissed him on the forehead then flopped down on the mattress beside him, pressed in close. He said nothing for a few minutes and Severus started to worry. Perhaps Regulus wanted him to say something. Perhaps he was supposed to do something… oh.

Severus began to push himself up. He glanced down and saw the obvious bulge in Regulus’s trousers.

“I should… um… do you want me to…?”

Regulus reached out and grabbed Severus’s hand.

“It’s okay, I wanted to do this for you. I don’t want you to feel pushed into anything you’re uncomfortable with.”

Severus looked away, unable to think of anything to say in response.

“Severus, have you done this before?”

“What?”

He was instantly on guard, but he kept his expression neutral and began to calm his mind using techniques from the books he’d borrow from Regulus. After all, he could keep his face a blank mask and shield his mind when the Dark Lord asked who knew anything of the whereabouts of Regulus Black. But Regulus, with his expression so gentle and concerned, was much harder to lie to.

“I… I’ve never…”

He shook his head and immediately blushed scarlet.

“You’re very sweet, Severus, you know that?”

That didn’t help. Severus was pretty sure he was actually glowing. He shook his head and tried to pull away.

“Sorry, Severus,” Regulus said, reaching up to touch his face with cool fingers. “I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable. It’s just… you’re so prickly on the outside, but you’re actually quite shy, aren’t you. And you’re kind. You pretend you’re not, but you’re been so good to Kreacher and me.”

Severus glanced around. He’d completely forgotten about the elf when Regulus had, quite unexpectedly, begun to kiss him. And now he was sprawled on the old mattress with his pants halfway down his thighs.

“Is he… he’s not… Kreacher’s not around, is he?”

Regulus laughed and reached behind Severus’s neck, pulling him down. He slid his other arm around Severus’s waist, before pulling summoning a blanket and draping it over them both.

“He’s no idiot, Severus. He knows when not to disturb me.”

Severus wasn’t convinced. Kreacher and Regulus had an odd relationship, and he could quite imagine the elf deciding to embarrass Regulus and thinking it was amusing. Once Kreacher had decided Severus was not a threat, he dropped any pretence of obsequiousness or obedience towards Regulus in front of him. The pair often teased each other, although underneath the humour there was a real affection between them. Severus realised that Kreacher was more of a parent to Regulus than Walburga and Orion Black had ever been.

It had been just over a month since Regulus had turned up in Severus’s room with the house elf half-dead in his arms, begging for help. Severus had pulled out his supply of healing potions and when those didn’t seem to have much effect, he searched his books for variations which worked better for house elves. He’d eventually managed to brew a very obscure potion of Goblin origin, which revived Kreacher enough for him to give Severus instructions on how to brew something more useful. It was only when Kreacher was clearly recovering that Regulus finally explained what he’d done, and Severus realised that they were all in very serious trouble.

He’d known that Regulus was starting to have doubts. In the months since Regulus had taken him back to Grimmaud Place, they’d become close friends. Regulus had admitted that he’d only become a Death Eater in yet another unsuccessful attempt to please his parents. But Severus never thought he’d actually do something about it. Regulus was not the defiant type.

But, Severus realised, he was like his brother in one way. He was impulsive.

“He left Kreacher to die, Severus,” Regulus said, his voice shaking. “If I hadn’t… if he… I couldn’t… I can’t…”

Regulus had thrown himself into Severus’s arms and burst into tears. Realising that a Knockturn Alley boarding house was not the place to hide a hysterical fugitive death eater, an ailing house elf and something called a horcrux – whatever that was – Severus had apparated them all to Cokeworth.

At first they’d stayed in an abandoned house down the road from where Severus had grown up. They’d put wards and disillusionment charms around it, but knew it wouldn’t keep them safe for long. The magic would be detected, and it didn’t matter which side found them, they would probably end up dead.

Severus had scoured the town for a more suitable site. There was no shortage of abandoned properties and a few had residues of magic which would make their own harder to detect. He’d almost decided to move into a derelict factory, when he came across something far better – a street more squalid than Spinners End, the houses at the end condemned and occupied by squatters. There were significant traces of magic in the half dozen comdemned houses, some of it powerful, much of it apparently random.

It was accidental magic – and far more of it than could be explained by a child or two.

Some quiet investigation revealed a drug house and, a couple of doors down, an elderly witch living with her alcoholic son. It was the witch and her son who were responsible for much of the magic in the area, and made a perfect cover. Severus brought Regulus and Kreacher to the house next door, which had no water, electricity or windows and only half a roof, but had a couple of rooms which were usable. The three of them spent a day casting as many protective and concealing spells that they could manage, and then Severus left them, visiting every few days with food and other supplies, and sometimes staying if he was feeling the effects of the Dark Lord’s latest temper tantrum.

A few weeks later, they had discovered that the elderly witch’s son was more than just a heavy drinker. He was also a werewolf.

On the one hand, it made the chances of their magic being detected even less likely, with the amount of magic the witch used to ensure her son was contained at the full moon and healed afterwards. On the other, silencing spells could only do so much, and they had spent the night listening to his howling. Regulus, predictably, had commented that he’d heard it was terribly painful to be a werewolf and asked if Severus could offer some of the painkilling potions he’d brewed. Severus, in response, had mention his narrow escape from a werewolf’s jaws, although he didn’t name the individuals involved. But he had, grudgingly, taken a selection of potions over and left them beside the back door.

When Severus returned, Regulus kissed him.

Severus assumed that the events after that full moon would not be repeated. He couldn’t imagine that Regulus had any real interest in him, beyond pity, gratitude or perhaps as a distraction from boredom. Kreacher came and went, well-used to avoiding the attention of humans, but Regulus rarely left, too afraid of getting caught. Severus thought he must have been bored out of his mind. But the next time he visited, Regulus greeted Severus with a kiss. And the next. And the next.

The dingy rooms in the condemned house became a sanctuary for Severus as his world spun increasingly out of control. Regulus was there to heal him when he was hurt from the Dark Lord’s latest punishment. Regulus was there to hold him when cried over the latest act of brutality he’d been a part of. Regulus had ways of making Severus forget that there was a war outside, and Severus was desperate to forget. He knew by then that he wanted to get out – to run away with Regulus to a place where they would never be found. But there was a complication.

Ever since Severus had overheard and then passed on Sibyl Trelawny’s prophecy, the Dark Lord had been obsessed. Despite the woman’s unreliable reputation, he’d taken her words very seriously indeed. At first he’d decided to kill every male baby born to wizard parents within the correct time period. When a number of supporters indicated the impracticality of that approach, he’d had them looking through Ministry records to identify potenial condidates more precisely. It was more and more clear to Severus that one of the most likely was the son of his former best friend.

The Dark Lord had laughed at him when Severus begged him to spare Lily. He should have known, of course. Severus’s desperation had only made him want to kill her more. So, in a foolhardy act more befitting of a Black, he’d gone to Dumbledore. He had almost been worse than the Dark Lord. He’d looked at Snape with utter revulsion and then, in exchange for protecting Lily, had trapped Severus in a nightmare.

Knowing he had probably guaranteed his own death along with Lily’s safety, Severus fled to Cokeworth and threw himself into Regulus’s arms.

Regulus, as always, had been nothing but kind. He’d simply listened to Severus’s incoherent rambling, wrapped him in his arms and told him it was alright. Even though it was a lie, he was glad to hear it.

“What if I screw up, Reg? What if fail and he… he… And it’s all my fault. I… I betrayed her. I betrayed her to the Dark Lord and then… what if I can’t…”

“Sev, shh now. You didn’t know, you didn’t know what would happen. It was a mistake, but that’s all. You made a mistake.”

“No… no… I betrayed her. I killed her.”

“She’s not actually dead yet, Sev. Dumbledore said he’d protect her and her family.”

“But… if I fail… I can’t… I can’t let her die. I can’t let her down.”

“Sev, he won’t. You know that. Dumbledore’s no monster. He’s not going to allow the Potters to be killed if you aren’t good enough as a spy. That’s just… he’s not the Dark Lord.”

“You don’t know. He asked what I would do in exchange. So he means it. If I mess this up, he’ll let her die.”

Some part of Severus knew he was being unreasonable, but he couldn’t escape the image of Lily, stripped naked and eviscerated like the woman on the raid a couple of nights back.

“Oh, Sev.”

Regulus gave up arguing and just held him, rocking gently until Severus was calmer.

“I’m sorry,” Severus said as he pulled himself away from Regulus and stood up. “I’m sorry I’m so pathetic.”

Regulus stood as well and walked over to the makeshift kitchen in the corner of the room.

“You should eat something, Sev. And you’re not pathetic, you know that.”

He began rifling through the supplies until he found some bread, then made a couple of slices of toast and tea.

“Tell me about Lily, Sev,” he said, putting the tea and toast on the table. “I know you used to hang out with her at school, but I don’t think I ever spoke to her. What’s she like?”

Severus sighed and sat down at the table, biting into a slice of toast. He was hungrier than he’d realised.

“She’s… she’s the most wonderfully kind girl… woman I suppose now. But she’s also strong. Determined. Stubborn, I suppose. And very smart. She noticed things that others didn’t. Her family moved from London halfway though the year, when we were in junior school. She lived a couple of streets over from me, in one of the nice houses. Not like… well…”

He took another bite of toast.

“She was nice to me when the other kids weren’t. I think she knew, right from the start, that… that things weren’t right at home. She was kind to me and I worshipped her. I… I was always scared she would find better friends than me, but she…”

Severus suddenly became very interested in his toast, looking down at it intently.

“She stayed my friend, right up until…”

He shook his head and sighed. His voice dropped to a whisper.

“She hates me now but… well, I think she was the first person who ever cared about me. More than my family ever did. I can’t forget that.”

“You miss her, don’t you Sev?”

“Always,” he said. “I miss her so much. And I hate to think of her with… with someone like him…”

Regulus reached across the table and took his hand.

“Sev, you know… I see how much you care for her. You want what’s best for her, don’t you?”

Severus nodded.

“Have you thought, Sev… if she survived, but her husband and baby were killed… you do know she’d be pretty unhappy about that, don’t you?”

Severus looked down at their hands and said nothing.

“Her baby is about the same age as Draco Malfoy, isn’t he? You know how Cissa is… and even Lucius. He’s a wanker, but he loves his son.”

That brought a smile to Severus’s face for a moment. He adored his Godson. But then he sighed and dropped his head into his hands.

“I know,” Severus replied, his voice a whisper. “And I know I’m an awful person.”

“No, Sev, no you’re not.”

Severus shook his head.

“I am. Even though she hasn’t spoken to me for years, I still… I still don’t like to think of her having other people, having friends other than me, and… well, I hate to think of her with him… like… them together… I… I can’t help thinking of her being… I think of my mother, how it was with my father and… I know it’s disgusting that I think about it, but…”

He was shaking now and Regulus wrapped both arms around him.

“Shh, now. It’s alright.”

Severus wanted to pull away. He wanted to drag himself from Regulus’s arms and run. He wanted to smash his head against the crumbling brick walls of the house until it bled. He wanted to run in front of the cars which ran along the busy road just around the corner. He wanted to grab the knife that he knew Kreacher kept in the makeshift kitchen and stab it into his leg, over and over and over.

“Sev, Severus, sweetheart… just breathe, nice and slow… that’s it, that’s good…”

Severus realised how tense his body was, how he was clenching his fists so tight that his nails were digging into his palms. He took a breath that was half sob and let himself sink against Regulus, tears running down his face.

“I’m sorry… I’m so… so sorry…”

Regulus was patient, far more patient than Severus deserved. He sat with Severus as he cried, as he admitted, between sobs, how much he despised himself, as he begged Regulus never to leave him. Severus felt mortified at losing control, but another part of him was relieved to finally let out everything that he been holding inside him. And Regulus just held him and told him everything would be alright.

Their tea had gone completely cold before Severus had pulled himself together. Severus grabbed his wand to reheat it, but Regulus shook his head and summonded a bottle of firewhisky.

“I reckon we both need a drink right now.”

“Isn’t it about four in the morning?”

Regulus shrugged and poured two drinks. He took one and drank half of it. Severus took his and sipped more slowly.

“Sev, I… would you want to know… if Lily is happy in her marriage or not?

“Married to James Potter? Stalker and bully? How could she be happy?”

“They always looked happy together, that last year of school when they got together. I know Potter was horrible to you, but he might have grown up a bit.”

Severus was stopped by that. It wasn’t something he’d thought about. Potter had been such an obsessive stalker towards Lily and such a bully to him, that he’d always assumed he would have treated Lily badly.

“I don’t know. I wouldn’t trust him.”

“It’s just…” Regulus said, suddenly hesitant. “I’ve… um… seen my brother a couple of times.”

Severus went still. His fingers, gripping the glass of firewhisky, were so tense they turned white. He said nothing and waited for Regulus to continue.

“I thought… well, he was always a favourite of Dumbledore… and I thought… if anyone knows what to do with a horcrux, it’ll be Albus Dumbledore. So I’ve met with Sirius, to try and work out if I trust him to help me.”

“And do you?”

“I think so. Not completely sure. But he… I can see he really cares about his friends. He’d do anything for them. And Lily too. He’s Godfather to Harry and he obviously adores him. Carries around a photograph of him. And… he’s definitely trying to get me on their side. To meet Dumbledore and hear his view.”

“You don’t think he could be the traitor?”

Regulus shook his head.

“He’s a useless liar. Always was. No way it’s him, And he’s hopeless at keeping secrets. He actually told me that the Order know they have a traitor, just not who. Potter and Pettigrew reckon it’s Lupin, apparently. But Sirius is sure it’s not. I don’t know if he’s objective though.”

Severus thought about the quiet boy who had looked the other way when Potter and Black had picked on him. By the look on his face, he’d disapproved, but he’d never done anything to stop them. It was hard to imagine him betraying his friends, but on the other hand he _was_ a dark creature. Only a fool would trust a werewolf.

“If it’s Lupin… the spy… the Dark Lord refers to the spy as ‘my loyal servant in the Order’, and then sometimes he calls him ‘my little rat in the Order’, or he says ‘the Order’s a sinking ship and the rat’s come to me’, as if it’s a joke, like it means something.”

“Yeah?” Regulus said, confused.

“Well, Lupin is… he’s a werewolf. No way the…”

“He’s WHAT?”

Regulus grabbed Severus’s hand and stared at him with horrified eyes.

“You heard. A werewolf.”

“No… but… since when?”

Severus shrugged. He’d tried to work that out before, and had realised that there had been signs since Lupin had first been at Hogworts.

“Years. Probably since he was a child.”

“But he’s… he seems so… so…”

“Yes, I know. So pathetic. Such a spineless coward.”

Regulus shook his head.

“I was going to say gentle. And nice. When Sirius and I weren’t speaking, his last year at school, he’d check in with me, tell me Sirius was ok, check how I was doing. Oh, Merlin, does Sirius know?”

“Oh, he knows.”

Regulus frowned for a moment.

“You know, I would have thought Sirius would be a real dick about that kind of thing. He’s not the most… patient, or compassionate. But… wow. He really loves Lupin, you know.”

The look on Regulus’s face softened, then he looked up at Severus again.

“So how do you know? Was he… oh, said that time… you said you were nearly killed. That was Lupin?”

Severus nodded. He felt the familiar churning inside as he thought of that night – the gut-wrenching fear, the humiliation, the impotent anger when everyone had acted as if it was nothing. But he realised that he didn’t want to tell Regulus that his brother’s idea of a prank had nearly cost Severus his life. Not when Regulus was just reconnecting with Sirius, and when it obviously meant to much to him.

“It was. It’s complicated though. I was… I promised I wouldn’t tell anyone. And I haven’t, except you. It was just… well, if the spy was Lupin, then the Dark Lord would surely know he’s a werewolf. You know what he says about Greyback. Calls him a vile beast. I can’t imagine him calling a werewolf his loyal servant. And the rat comments… why would he call a werewolf a rat?”

“You don’t think it could be Lupin?”

“I don’t think it fits. I… I really don’t like him… I can’t forget he nearly killed me, but I don’t think he’s the spy.”

“Well, Sirius will be glad about that. Do you think we should let him know? It would mean a lot to him I think. Or maybe you should write to Lily. She’s friends with Lupin too. It would give you a reason to contact her.”

“I’m not writing to her.”

“Why not? She was your friend. You still care about her. You want to know she’s okay.”

Severus scowled and shook his head.

“That’s just the sort of letter every woman wants to receive. Dearest Lily, sorry for calling you a mudblood, by the way I’m the reason the Dark Lord wants to kill you and your son. Also, there’s definitely someone on your side who wants to betray you. The good news is that it’s not your werewolf buddy. Hope your arsehole of a husband is treating you right. Kindest regards, Severus.”

Regulus grinned at him.

“That’s perfect, love.”


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning for this and the following chapters: there's descriptions that relate to traumatic memory, in particular the impacts of early childhood trauma. I've based this on things I've read, including work by Peter Levine and Bessel van der Kolk as well as some of my own experiences (which were nowhere near as horrific as what is in this fic, but have still had lasting impacts).
> 
> Also, usual stuff - recognisable characters are the property of JKR, except for the reference to The Turbulent Term of Tyke Tyler, which is a wonderful book by Gene Kemp.

Remus wrapped his arms more tightly around his legs and rested his cheek against his knees. He was freezing and desperate to get closer to the fire, but that would have drawn attention, and he couldn’t face that. Better stay back in the shadows and hope they’d forget he was there.

The argument had been going for hours now. It had started out as a civil discussion, but had degenerated quickly. Several times, pack members had been on their feet and yelling at each other, but each time they had been talked into sitting back down without any blows being exchanged. The hotheads would sit and scowl at each other across the fire and the calmer pack members would continue the discussion.

Remus, on the other hand, wanted nothing more than to run away. He felt sick, he felt cold, he felt as if his body was a shell which walked and talked while his mind cowered in terror. He hated arguments – they reminded him of his parents fighting about whether they had enough money for the next possible lycanthropy treatment or whether it was time to move house again. But he knew that wasn’t the reason.

In truth, he was still reeling from the visitor they had had earlier that day. Along with a couple of henchmen, Fenrir Greyback had come to talk with the pack.

Greyback had been a topic of conversation since Remus had first arrived. Every werewolf had heard of him, of course. After all, he’d turned enough of them. Remus had expected they would hate him, but instead the notorious werewolf was held in reluctant regard. He wasn’t slinking around in the shadows, ashamed of what he was. He wasn’t content to live on the margins, subsisting on scraps, grateful for whatever he got. Greyback wasn’t going to roll over for anyone.

He had embraced what it meant to be a werewolf. He had a reputation for savagery, but he was proud of it. Most of the pack had tried, at one time or another, to be mild and uninimidating, in the hope that nobody would realise their true nature, or that they might be accepted if anyone did. It hadn’t worked, of course. Here’s they all were, in a rough camp on the edge of the Galloway forest, scrounging and stealing for the barest essentials.

Greyback didn’t live like that. The rumours said that he’d moved his pack into one of the old forestry villages in the Kielder forest and either killed, turned or driven out the remaining inhabitants. The village was little more than a couple of rows of terrace houses and a hall, but to werewolves who’d lived rough for years, it sounded like paradise. There were rumoured to be close to 200 living there now.

More than half of Britain’s packs had joined Greyback in Northumberland. The Galloway pack had been considering it, but there were a few pack members who were reluctant.

And so Greyback had paid them a visit.

Remus could feel his chest tightening as he thought about it. It was as if there was something over his face and he simply couldn’t suck enough air in. He had to get away, but he couldn’t – he was so cold he didn’t want to move any part of his body in case that let more cold air in.

Thinking about Sirius helped. The last time he’d seen him was the day he dropped Remus in Dumfries. They’d stopped at a couple of shops to get supplies, most importantly a sleeping bag which was tatty and a bit musty, but looked as if it had been made for an expedition to the Arctic. Sirius, who had never been inside a charity shop before, was delighted. He picked up a very faded ugly shirt for James and a lurid tie for Peter. Lily and Harry were mercifully spared any gifts. Remus also found an old overcoat, which Sirius said made him look like a vagrant.

“That’s probably the look I’m after,” Remus had replied. “I’m not trying to get a job at the Ministry.”

“It smells, Moony.”

“Barely, Pads. And it’s going to smell a lot worse before too long. I doubt there will be much laundry done with the pack.”

Sirius looked thoughtful for a moment, before rummaging through the boxes of oddments where he’d found the tie for Peter.

“Knew I’d seen these,” he said, presenting Remus with a pair of fingerless gloves. They were evidently hand-knitted, with stripes in different shades of brown, and they looked warm.

Remus really wanted the coat and gloves now, but they were rolled up with his other possessions in the sleeping area, and he didn’t want to move. He wondered what would happen if he never moved again. He’d probably freeze to death eventually. It sounded quite appealing.

“Alright there, Remus?”

Pam Baillie was looking down at him, holding a cup. She bent down and nudged the cup against one of his hands.

“Go on, Remus, you’ll feel better.”

The cup burned his icy fingers, but Remus took it all the same. It would be rude to refuse, after all. And Pam was one of the pack members he actually liked. He didn’t want to upset her.

“Thanks,” he said, his voice sounding far away.

“It might help more if you drink it,” Pam said after a while, when Remus continued to hold the drink and stare into the distance.

She crouched beside him, placing one hand on his back, then taking the cup and holding it to his lips.

“Come on, Remus. Get this inside you, then you can come and sit in the caravan with the kids and me.”

Remus swallowed the hot tea, then found himself walking towards the Baillie’s caravan with Pam’s hand at his back. He could hear Pam’s husband shouting and then another of the werewolves shouting back, but it was distant now.

“Here, Remus. Clean yourself up before we go in. Don’t want the kids see you looking like this.”

Pam handed Remus a damp cloth. He stood staring at it, trying hard to think what she meant. He’d been sick, he remembered, after Greyback left and the group began arguing over what to do. He had sat by the fire and listened, until one of the group had asked him what he thought. He knew what he had to say – it was his mission to spy on Greyback after all – but when he opened his mouth to speak he couldn’t bring himself to say the words. He felt as if he was going to choke, so he fled from the fire and vomited in amongst the trees. Then he’d curled himself up and shivered until Pam came and got him.

“Oh, love, you are in a state, aren’t you.”

She took the cloth back off him and began wiping his face. Then she rinsed the cloth and sponged the sleeve and a few patches on his chest.

“That’s not going to clean up without a proper wash, Remus. Take off your jersey before you go inside.”

She took the cup off him and helped him pull the jumper over his head, before opening the caravan door and pushing him inside.

He’d never been in the caravan before. The Baillies mostly kept to themselves and didn't encourage visitors. They were the only ones who had a caravan – the others lived camped under tarpaulins strung between the trees, with more on the ground to try and keep the damp away. They didn’t eat with the others, and Pam and the children seldom joined the group around the fire in the evenings. Tam, a short, belligerent man, would join them after dinner most nights though. He was inclined to argue, but he had more sense than some of the other werewolves, and Remus thought he was often justified.

The three children all stared at Remus as he walked through the door and stopped, uncertain what to do. They were squashed together on the upper bunk bed, two girls and boy, reading a book together. Remus had initially assumed that the children were Pam and Tam’s, even though they did look a bit old to have children that age. But Pam had shaken her head and said that the girls were her grandchildren. She didn’t mention where the girls’ parents were and said nothing about the boy, who was about six, at all. Remus got the impression that there were things she didn’t want to mention. The eldest girl, in her early teens, and the boy weren’t werewolves. At the full moon, they would be locked and warded into the caravan for the night. 

The eldest, Karen, was the reason that Remus had become friendly with the Baillies. He’d come across her one day, sitting and reading a battered green book. She was frowning and obviously frustrated.

“Are you alright?” he asked.

“I don’t suppose you can read,” she said, not very hopefully.

“Yes, I can. Do you need some help?”

“It’s this new book. Dad got it for me in town, but it’s too hard.”

She slammed the book closed in frustration.

“Look at this,” she said, holding it out to him. “I can’t even understand the title. Tur-bu-lent. What is that?”

“It means rough. Like a turbulent sea is a rough sea. Or…”

Remus glanced down at the book.

“Turbulent term, so… you know ‘term’? A school term. So it’s a… well, like a difficult term, probably. Lots of things happening.”

“I went to school once. Not for ages though. Sandra and Darren never did. So I read to them.”

“Do your parents help you?”

“Da can’t read. Mam helps a bit, but she can’t remember much. Can you help me?”

She opened the book and Remus sat down beside her.

“How about you read and I’ll help if you get stuck?”

She nodded and began chapter one.

They were both thoroughly absorbed when Remus felt a rough hand grab his jumper at the back of his neck.

“What in Hell’s name d’you think you’re doing?”

Remus turned his head to see the angry face of Tam Baillie.

“We… we were reading…”

Tam pushed him face down into the ground.

“Karen, get back to the caravan. NOW.”

Remus heard the girl flee. Then he heard Tam’s voice, tight with rage, hissing in his ear.

“If I find out you’ve laid as much as a finger on her, I’ll fucking kill you, you know. I might just smash your skull against a rock, it might be a knife between your ribs while you sleep. But if you do anything to her, you will never be safe.”

Remus drew in a shaky breath. He could barely get the air into his lungs. Tam might have been a good head shorter than Remus, but he was an enraged ball of muscle and the weight on his back made Remus feel like he would choke. He tried to speak, but no words would come into his mind or out of his mouth.

“You stay away from her, you hear?”

Tam had left him lying in the dirt, shaking and wishing he’d never offered to help the girl with her book. Remus knew enough about the man to know his threat was genuine. Not that Remus would ever harm Karen, of course not, but he suspected that even if he looked at her, it would be enough to make Tam go for him.

“Mr Lupin, read to us.”

Remus felt a blanket being wrapped around him and he realised he was still standing in the middle of the caravan. Karen was standing in front of him, wearing a faded dressing gown and holding out _The Turbulent Term of Tyke Tyler_ , which was now a favourite with all the children.

“Mr Lupin isn’t feeling well, dilly. Best let him alone.”

Pam checked the the blanket was well wrapped around him, before shoving him towards a bench seat and putting another cup of hot tea in front of him.

“No… no, I don’t mind.”

Remus’s voice sounded faint, as if he was hearing himself from a long way away. But reading to the children was something concrete. Something good. If he thought about it, it was the best thing since he’d had to leave Sirius and join the packs.

“Take a moment then. Have your tea first. Then you can read.”

Remus nodded and Karen put the book in front of him on the table.

“Why aren’t you feeling well?” she asked.

“Don’t be a nosey parker, Karen,” her mother said sharply.

Karen glanced at her mother, then back to Remus.

“Sorry, Mr Lupin. I hope you feel better soon.”

He gave her a weak smile. The children were all unfailingly polite, but also genuinely kind. Pam and Tam were strict and sometimes seemed harsh, with Tam doing a lot of shouting and both of them watching the children like hawks, but Remus knew they did their best. He’d seen that, the day after Tam had threatened him, when he came to apologise.

Tam had come up to him when Remus was alone. He’d wondered whether to try and get away, but there was something in the way Tam moved which made him stay. He looked hesitant, and the man was never hesitant.

“I talked to Karen,” he said, without any introduction.

Remus nodded. He still thought he could get away if he needed to.

“I might have gone a bit far… with what I said to you. She said you’d been helping with her reading. And that you hadn’t done anything… you know… nothing wrong.”

“I would never… I wouldn’t… I’ve no interest in…”

Remus went red.

“Aye, that’s what Pam said. Reckoned you were that way inclined. I’m sorry I threatened you like that.”

Remus looked at the ground. That wasn't exactly what he had meant. He'd intended to say he had no interest in a girl that young, but since Tam didn't seem upset, he let it slide.

“Karen’s a good girl, you know? And she’s got a chance at a normal life. In a few years, she could get married, have a family. She’ll find a boy that doesn’t care what her grandparents are – she’s pretty and she knows how to keep house properly. Sandra will never have that chance, but Karen can have something better than this.”

He looked around, taking in the untidy area where most of the werewolves, except the Baillies, prepared their food and ate.

“But she won’t get that if some _Gorja_ messes with her.”

“I understand,” Remus said. He did, he got it, because who would want this life for their child?

“If you were willing to help her with her reading… maybe even teach the others a bit, that would be alright. As long as it was outside the caravan and Pam or I could see you at all times.”

“Yeah, that… I’d be happy to.”

Tam had smiled then, and Remus had suddenly seen a different man. A man who couldn’t read but brought his daughter back a book when he went into town, a man who was willing to let her learn even though he never had. A good man, he thought.

After drinking his tea, Remus read to the children and Pam – he noticed she was listening closely as she washed dishes – until they were ready to sleep.

“You don’t have to go, you know,” Pam said, as she set yet another cup of tea in front of him.

“Go?”

“To Greyback. Tam reckons most of the others will go. But we won’t, a couple of the others won’t. I can see you don’t want to either.”

Remus looked down at his tea and shook his head.

“I… I have to.”

“You don’t Remus. I saw how you reacted to him. You looked… terrified. Like you’d seen a ghost.”

“He turned me,” Remus said quietly, avoiding her eyes. “It was a shock to meet him. But I still have to go.”

“Why, Remus? You could stay here. We’ll move if we have to, but we will stick together. You’d be alright.”

Remus shook his head again. Now that he’d met Greyback, the idea of joining his pack terrified him. Greyback terrified him. At the sight of the notorious werewolf, his body had begun to tremble. When he’d got closer, and Remus could smell him, he’d been overwhelmed. He felt like he was falling, like he was choking, like his eyes were rolling up into his head. And then Greyback had stepped closer again, then leaned down, bring his face close to Remus’s and drew in a long, slow breath.

“What have we here?” he said. “You’re one of mine, I can smell it. But who are you? I can’t quite place your face.”

Greyback sniffed him again, as Remus stood paralysed. He felt filthy, disgusting, just being so close to the monster who’d destroyed his life. All the nightmares, all the flashes of fangs and blood and growling and pain, so much pain, tearing him apart, none of that had prepared him for what it would be like to have Greyback right there, his hot, rank breath in Remus’s face.

“I’ve got you now. You’re Lyall Lupin’s boy, all grown up. What was your name… Remus, that’s it. Yes, Remus. I have such fond memories.”

Remus felt a hand on his shoulder.

“Remus, are you alright?”

Pam was in front of him and he realised that he was breathing heavily.

“You’ve been a bit spaced out today. Are you sure you’re alright?”

“I… no… I… I’m just tired.”

“Tired.”

Pam repeated the word back, clearly skeptical.

“Didn’t sleep well last night, last few nights really…”

He shrugged. It ws true, but that was nothing uncommon. He often lay awake worrying.

“Do you want to head back Remus? Just go to bed, let the others argue it out. They’ll still be at it for hours and there’s no point in trying to change anyone’s mind.”

Remus nodded and stood, slipping the blanket off his shoulders.

“Probably a good idea, yeah.”

“Hang on to the blanket, Remus. Bring it back tomorrow.”

“Thanks, Pam. And thanks for the tea. And everything. I really appreciate it.”

“It’s no trouble, Remus. Now you sleep well.”

Remus knew that he was unlikely to sleep at all, but Pam didn’t have to know that.

“Goodnight, Pam.”

“Night, Remus.”


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lily receives a letter from Severus, and it changes everything.

Lily Evans fingered the edges of the folded parchment in her pocket. She felt a twinge of anxiety once again that she may have endangered her son’s life – all of their lives – by trusting an ex-friend she hadn’t spoken to in six years. When she’d first received the letter, she’d seen her name written in the familiar tight scrawl and wanted to throw it away untouched. She had even wondered if he’d created a poison that could kill them just from her opening the envelope. But a part of her wanted to believe that there was still some good in Severus Snape.

Then she had read the letter, and she had just _known_. It was so typical of Severus, at his worst and at his best, that she’d known what he said was true and that they had to get out of Godric’s Hollow. She had run to Harry and lifted him up, holding him tight and calling to James in a voice shrill with panic. Harry started to cry and she realised she was scaring him, but couldn’t push away the fear of something, or someone, hurting him.

“Lily, sweetheart, what’s wrong?”

James appeared and wrapped an arm around her, but it didn’t help.

“We have to get out of here. It’s not safe. Peter’s the traitor.”

“What? Peter? No.”

“Yes, James, he is. We have to go. We have to get out of here NOW!”

She was near hysteria and couldn’t find the words to explain. But then James put on his auror voice.

“Are you absolutely sure Lily.”

“Yes, YES. I’m sure.”

He looked her in the eye and nodded. She saw that he was willing to trust her, even without knowing the source of her information, and some of the panic eased.

“Alright, I’ll grab a few things and we’ll go. What about Padfoot and Moony’s flat?”

“Peter knows it.”

“It’ll buy us breathing space, even if it’s just for a few minutes. And I want Padfoot with us if possible.”

“Okay.”

James was right, she realised. It would be better with Sirius beside them. For a moment, grief overwhelmed the fear as she wished she could have Harry’s godmother with them as well. But Marlene had been murdered, along with her family, two months previously. Pushing the grief aside, she began grabbing a few of Harry’s favourite toys and a random selection of other items from his room and shoving them into a bag, one handed. Harry was grizzling a bit but had stopped crying.

“It will be okay darling,” she said. “I’m sorry Mummy scared you. But everything’s going to be just fine now.”

James had pulled together a few essentials and they’d left Godric’s Hollow for London. Once they were there, with Sirius, she felt like she could breathe and think again. She had remembered childhood holidays on the coast near Morecambe, where her family had rented various run-down and out-of-the way holiday cottages. At the end of October, they were unlikely to be busy, and the holidays had not been interesting enough for Lily to mention to Peter. James hadn’t been particularly interested either and she doubted he would have mentioned it to Peter. Severus knew, of course. Every time, he’d been jealous and rude before she left, then pathetically grateful when she sent him a postcard and brought him back some Morecambe rock.

With Sirius in tow, they’d found themselves a cottage that was both a reasonable size and clean. There was even a cot and high chair available for Harry. Lily got him settled in while James and Sirius set about warding with every spell they knew.

When they were finished, they all sat down with a cup of tea. Harry was falling asleep on her lap and Sirius was looking out the window at the darkening sky.

“Lils, can you tell us now why we’ve run halfway across the country? Why you think Peter’s a traitor?”

She fingered the edges of the letter in her pocket. She knew how James and Sirius would react to finding out that Severus was her informant. They’d probably think it was all a lie and insist on going back to Godric’s Hollow. She needed another voice of reason. It couldn’t be Marlene, but Remus would be able to help.

“Remus needs to hear this too. Can we get him here?”

Since Remus had been with Greyback’s pack, now numbering over 200, he’d had the ability to slip away unnoticed occasionally. It was risky but, she suspected, necessary for his sanity. She’d been shocked when she had seen him finally, after so many months away. She’d expected him to be thin and tired, and probably on edge, but she hadn’t expected him to be so brittle. One moment he would be hypervigilant, eyes scanning the room, outside, the door, the occupants, then the next he’d be somewhere else, eyes unfocused, unaware until brought back with a nudge or the wave of a hand. When she’s asked him if he was alright, he seemed surprised. Of course he was, he’d said, and he’d been so sincere in his declaration that she wondered if he was even aware of how odd his behaviour was.

“Are you sure?” James said, although he sounded a bit dubious. He’d also noticed Remus’s state the last time they’d seen him, but James had taken it as another sign that Remus was the traitor. Peter had agreed, but then he would, wouldn’t he? He had been offering subtle suggestions that Remus wasn’t quite reliable or that he couldn’t be trusted since before Harry was born, she realised. But he had done it so subtly that she hadn’t been suspicious of him. She cursed herself that she hadn’t even wondered.

But Sirius was already grabbing the portkey and getting James’s owl out of her cage. It was too risky to send a note, but they’d signal to Remus by having the owl visit him. She’d sit in a tree somewhere near to where he was, getting his attention with a few soft hoots if he didn’t notice. The she would leave and Remus would slip away to where Sirius had left a portkey that had been spelled to respond only to Remus.

Sirius was gone and back within minutes. He sat down with another cup of tea, but was up and pacing the room after only a couple of sips. James had splashed a small measure of whiskey into the tea and called him back to his seat.

“Come on, Padfoot. That won’t bring him here any faster.”

Sirius sat back down and drank his tea. The all sat in silence, too keyed up to think of anything to say.

Remus finally appeared in front of them as the last light bled from the sky. He arrived on his feet but stumbled and fell to his hands and knees. Sirius leaped from his seat and sank down beside him.

“Moony, Moony, my love.”

Remus pushed himself up onto his knees and then collapsed against Sirius. Lily caught a glimpse of a haunted pair of eyes, before he closed them and buried his face in the side of Sirius’s neck. He held Sirius tightly and didn’t move for a long time.

Finally, he released Sirius and pulled away a little.

“Hi,” he said, looking at Sirius then glancing across at James and Lily. He gave them a weak smile then his eyes shifted away.

Lily walked across to give him a hug. Now she could see his face better, he looked even worse than she had thought. His eyes were ringed with dark circles, his skin pale underneath a dark layer of grime and his lips cracked. His face and neck were covered with scratches which it looked like he’d been picking – his fingernails were stained with blood. She wasn’t sure when he’d last bathed, but he’d told her the last time they’d seen him that Greyback frowned on washing.

When she hugged him, attempting to ignore the smell, she’d felt ribs and vertebrae and trembling as he clung to her.

James was behind her, giving Remus a hug but still looking wary. She knew he was still struggling to believe that Peter was the traitor. He’d been so poisoned by Peter’s words that he was sure it was Remus. She suspected Remus knew that as well. It couldn’t have helped him, to know his friend didn’t trust him.

She made more tea and then dug around for some food, finding biscuits and chocolate that Sirius had brought. They should probably eat a proper dinner, but she and James hadn’t brought any food and Sirius, it appeared, had brought nothing but tea, firewhisky and junk food. They were going to need to shop before too long.

As she watched Sirius try to get Remus to eat – he was insisting he wasn’t hungry, which seemed unlikely – James turned to her.

“Now Remus is here, are you going to explain why you think Peter’s the traitor?”

Sirius looked across at him.

“Apart from the fact he’s been trying to poison your mind and convince us Moony’s the traitor?” he said, his voice low but dangerous. “What kind of a friend does that?”

“One who believes he is doing the right thing,” James replied, sounding less composed than Sirius, although Lily knew they were both on the point of starting to shout at each other. “If Moony really was the traitor…”

“I’m not,” Remus said quietly. “I”d never… after all you’ve done for me…”

Then Sirius was on his feet and shouting at James.

“You believed him, you bastard, you believed him that it was Moony and… and… how could you do that–“

“Padfoot, don’t, please…”

Remus was standing beside Sirius now, one arm around his shoulders, pulling him close.

“It’s alright, Padfoot, it’s okay. Just sit back down with me, okay? Let’s hear what Lily has to say.”

Sirius took a breath then looked at Remus and nodded.

“Sorry, Moony.”

“No, no, it’s alright.”

Remus pulled him back to the couch and hugged him. Lily watched as Remus calmed Sirius, when it was Remus that had been accused and who must have suffered from knowing his friends didn’t trust him. Remus had every right to be angry, but it was Sirius who was upset. It was always about Sirius. 

Lily had no doubt that Remus and Sirius loved each other, but that was not the same as being good for each other.

She took the letter from her pocket and began unfolding it.

“I received a letter with some information.”

All eyes were suddenly on her.

“Who from?” James asked.

Lily held her breath for a moment. This was the moment she had dreaded.

“Severus.”

“What, Snivellus? You’re taking his word that Peter’s the traitor? Are you mad?”

Lily give James a hard stare. She was about to respond when Sirius got to his feet and grabbed at the letter.

“That bastard. I’ll fucking kill him. What the fuck is he–“

“Padfoot. Sit. Down.”

Remus’s voice was quiet but steely. James and Sirius both looked at him in surprise.

“Lily’s no idiot,” he continued. “She must have a reason for believing the information. So how about we wait to hear it.”

Lily nodded at him. That was why she wanted Remus there. It helped to have another calm head in the room.

“I’ll read you the letter, then you can judge for yourself.”

Lily looked down at page and took a breath, before beginning to read.

“ _My dearest Lily…_ ”

She glanced up and shot a warning look at James, who looked like he was already about to interrupt.

“ _I know you won’t want to read this letter, but you and your family are in grave danger, so I beg that you read and act on this, in the hope it might save your lives._ ”

What Lily didn’t say was that the words _and your family_ had been added after the sentence was written, crammed in after the word _you_. The word _lives_ had originally been _life_. That was so typical of Severus. He’d always had difficulty sharing her friendship with others – he had been unreasonably jealous of her other friends even before they’d gone to Hogwarts. He’d even been jealous of time she spent with Petunia.

“ _What I am about to say next will no doubt anger and disgust you. I can say that I am most truly sorry, but that doesn’t excuse what I did. I’m so sorry, Lily, but it is my fault that you are being targeted by the Dark Lord. I was the one who overheard Trelawny give the prophecy. I was the one who passed it on to the Dark Lord–_ “

“I’LL KILL THAT FUCKING BASTARD.”

Sirius was on his feet and making for the door, despite having no way of knowing where to find Severus. Remus was on his feet just as quickly and had grabbed Sirius by the arm. James was also standing, fury on his face, but he appeared stuck to one spot with no idea what to do.

“EVERYBODY SIT DOWN NOW!” Lily shouted, and all eyes in the room turned to her.

James swallowed and looked at the ground, then sat immediately. Sirius looked from Lily to the door and back to her. Remus slipped an arm around his waist and directed Sirius back to the couch. Lily noticed that Remus somehow looked a little better – he still looked thin and tired, but some of the hopeless look in his eyes had gone. It was something she had wondered about before – whether he actually preferred that everything revolved around Sirius. Certainly, he had never seemed to get used to being the one who needed help, no matter how often it happened.

“There is more of the letter, guys. How about we stay seated and silent until I finish it.”

She looked hard at James then Sirius until they nodded at her.

“Alright then. _I was the one who passed it on to the Dark Lord, but I had no idea that it could refer to you and your family. When you were mentioned, I begged him not to target you and I think that made it worse because he found my distress amusing._

_I couldn’t bear that, Lily, so I went to Dumbledore and told him what I had done and asked him to protect you. He said that he would if I would spy on the Dark Lord for him. I have been, but I haven’t done very well and he isn’t pleased with me. I really don’t trust him._ ”

“Does he mean he doesn’t trust Dumbledore?” James asked.

“Yes,” Lily snapped, “Just keep listening, it gets clearer. _I am afraid that if I fail, he might not protect you so please, please find a way to keep yourselves safe._ ”

Once again, the text had originally read _yourself_ but he had corrected himself later.

“Dumbledore wouldn’t do that,” James said.

This time Lily didn’t look impatient.

“No, I don’t think he would either. But Severus would believe it. He… he doesn’t trust easily. It’s one of the reasons I’m sure this letter is truly from Severus and not faked. It just sounds exactly like him. Okay… _My other reason for concern is that the Dark Lord definitely has an informant who is in the Order. He is really confident of finding you. I don’t know who the informant is, but you must trust nobody in the Order until you are certain of who the traitor is._

_I suppose that you may trust your husband, since the Dark Lord refers to his informant being a traitor to you and your husband. So clearly it cannot be him.”_

“Nice of him to say that,” James said.

Lily looked up and glared at him but said nothing.

“ _I have given it much thought, and I cannot determine who the traitor is. However I have gathered some clues and based on that, I do not believe that it is the werewolf. I understand that some hold that view, but I am almost certain that he is not.”_

Lily glanced up and noticed Sirius smile at Remus and take his hand. Remus’s expression didn’t change.

“ _My reasons for this are as follows. Firstly, I believe that the traitor is either a pureblood or had two magical parents and enough magical parentage to not be classed as half-blood. The Dark Lord refers to anyone with a muggle parent, including myself, as “Mudblood”. He has never referred to the traitor as such. If I remember correctly, the werewolf is half-blood._ ”

Lily glanced across at James, who had a guarded expression on his face. He was looking at Remus, and Remus was looking at the floor, shoulders slumped. Sirius was gripping his hand as if it was the only thing preventing him from exploding.

“ _My other reason is that the Dark Lord refers to Fenrir Greyback as a “tame beast”, “that feral half-breed”, “that vile cur”… you get the picture. He refers to other werewolves in similar terms, even though they are allies. If Lupin was the traitor, the Dark Lord would surely know he was a werewolf, since he has a habit of looking into the minds of his supporters. And presumably he would use similar terms to describe him._

_The Dark Lord does occasionally refer to the traitor as an animal, but not a wolf or even a dog, but a rat. He often makes reference to “my little rat in the Order”. He also talks about “rats leaving a sinking ship, in reference to the Order, and recently said that “the Order is infested with vermin”. I don’t know whether this means anything to you, but it probably does mean something about the traitor’s identity. Perhaps it may help you._

_Lily, I beg you please to keep safe. You are unlikely to hear from me again, although if I have any further information confirming the identity of the traitor, I will be do my best to pass it to you._

_I am so sorry for what I have done. I do not ask for your forgiveness, but know that I regret nothing more than the things I have done which hurt you._

_Goodbye, my dearest Lily._

_Severus._ ”

Lily took a slow breath before she looked up. Three shocked faces were staring at her. Sirius was the first to break the silent.

“Fuck,” he said.

Remus dropped his face into his hands.

“I can’t believe it. Wormtail. Why would he do such a thing? Oh, Merlin, Wormtail, what have you done?”

It struck Lily that Remus actually seemed concerned for Peter, despite the way he had been trying to make the others believe Remus was the traitor.

“Don’t use that name,” Sirius hissed. “He doesn’t deserve to be called a Marauder.”

“Could Snape know about W… Peter’s form?” James asked.

“How?” Lily said.

James frowned.

“There’s nobody outside this room who knows, except Peter, is there,” he said.

“Well I haven’t told anyone,” Sirius said.

Remus looked up briefly and shook his head, before looking at the floor again.

“Nor me.”

“I certainly haven’t,” Lily said.

James sighed and dropped his face into his hands.

“Me neither. I just… I just can’t believe it.”

“It all adds up, love. I’m sorry.”

Lily put an arm around his shoulders. James was always going to the one who took it hardest. They sat in silence until James lifted his head again. He looked devastated.

“I’m so sorry, Moo… Remus. I’m so, so sorry that I listened to him and not to you.”

He pushed himself to his feet and stumbled across to Remus, pulling him into a hug. Remus hugged him back.

“It’s okay, Prongs, it’s okay.”

Sirius looked very much like he thought it wasn’t. However he didn’t comment and instead turned to Lily.

“What was Snape getting at, that we are unlikely to hear from him again? If he’s meaning that he won’t contact you again, why didn’t he say it like that?”

Lily took a slow breath. She had noticed the odd phrasing too, as well as the very final way he had signed off the letter.

“He doesn’t expect to survive,” Remus said, saving Lily from saying it. “He’s in a dangerous position and the fact that you’ve fled Godric’s Hollow… it sounds like Voldemort will join the dots and know it was Snape that warned you.”

Lily nodded and James, who had released Remus from his hug, looked horrified.

“He thinks he’s going to die over this?” he said.

“I think he’s right, Jamie. He said that… Voldemort looks into his supporter’s minds. So he’ll find out that Severus has betrayed him. I can’t imagine he’ll be merciful.”

Lily stood abruptly after she spoke and walked over to the kettle.

“I’ll make more tea. Anyone?”

She turned back when there was no answer to see James holding his wand, face drained of all colour. Remus and Sirius were staring at him.

“Jamie? What’s wrong?”

“Prongs?”

Remus touched his arm lightly.

“The wards…” James said. “My wand…”

Lily felt her stomach drop. She knew exactly what he meant, although Remus and Sirius were still staring in confusion. James took a breath and spoke again.

“As well as the _Fidelis_ , there are also a ton of wards on the house. Some of them are linked to the my wand. And… the wards have been breached. Someone, more than one, has got through. They’ve got past the Fidelis and brought down all those wards and are in the house.”

“Fuck. FUCK. THAT FUCKING BASTARD PETTIGREW. I’M GOING TO FUCKING KILL HIM.”

Suddenly Sirius was shouting and really did look ready to kill someone.

“I’M GOING TO FIND HIM AND KILL HIM.”

“Pads, come on,” James said, touching his arm, but Sirius shoved him aside. Remus had stepped back in shock, but as Sirius made for the door, he stepped in front of him.

“Padfoot, please…”

Remus put his hands out, touching Sirius in the middle of his chest.

“Don’t call me that. I can’t bear to even think… we were the Marauders… we were there for each other, and he… he… FUCK… FUCK…”

Sirius turned and punched the wall, hard.

“BASTARD…”

He punched the wall again.

“FUCKING CUNT, I’LL KILL HIM, I WILL…”

Harry gave a wail from the next room, woken by the shouting and banging. Lily glanced at James at the same time as he glanced at her, then went through to the other room. She rushed to pick up Harry and held him against her. She could hear Remus and James pleading with Sirius, but the shouting and swearing continued. James tried raising his voice and shouting back at Sirius, but it didn’t help. Remus was sounding increasingly desperate as he begged Sirius not to leave.

She heard a crash as something was knocked over and then a few seconds later, breaking glass. Then there was a loud apparation crack and everything was suddenly silent.

Angling herself so Harry couldn’t see what was going on, Lily walked back into the room. The glass panel in the door was smashed and the television had been knocked over. James was standing the middle of the room and Remus was sitting huddled against the wall by the door, his face blank.

“Jamie?”

James turned and walked over to her, wrapping his arms around both her and Harry.

“He’s gone. We tried to stop him, but he wouldn’t listen. I… I don’t know where he’s gone.”

Lily nodded against him.

“He’ll come back, love. He’ll realise he doesn’t know where to look for Peter and he’ll come back, all apologetic.”

“I don’t know, Lils. I’ve never seen him so… like that. Not so bad.”

“Is Remus okay?”

James pulled back and turned to look at Remus, then turned back to Lily. He opened his mouth but then closed it again.

“He looks awful, doesn’t he,” Lily said. “How about you hold Harry and I’ll talk to him?”

James looked relieved and took Harry from her. His idea of comforting Remus was a pat on the shoulder and a _right there, Moony?_ , which was usually all that Remus tolerated, but probably wasn’t going to help today.

She waved her wand over the shattered glass and cast _Reparo_ to fix the door panel before she crouched down beside Remus. There were cuts on his shoulder, arm and hand, as if he’d been the one to hit the glass. She looked back to James.

“What happened with the door?”

“Sirius shoved him out of the way and he stumbled against the door, hit the glass with his shoulder.”

Lily spoke his name softly as she took his hand. She could feel it trembling.

“Come on, Remus, can you talk to me, please?”

He didn’t even glance in her direction.

“Remus, love, you’ve got some nasty cuts. I’m going to heal them, okay?”

She held her wand close to the skin, mumuring Episkey for each cut until they were all healed. The she put her wand away and touched her hand to his other shoulder.

“Remus, can you hear me?”

“Sorry… I’m sorry,” he said finally.

“Remus, there’s nothing to apologise for.”

“I couldn’t stop him.”

“He’ll be back, Remus. It’s alright.”

“No…”

He shook his head.

“It’s not alright. Everything’s wrong. I can’t… My… I’m… I’m losing my mind…”

Remus closed his mouth, clenched his jaw and closed his eyes. Tears forced their way from under the lids.

“I’m sorry, Lily, I’m sorry.”

“Remus, there’s nothing you need to apologise for. It’s okay to be upset.”

“No… I just keep thinking… My mind just keeps… I should have stopped him… What if something happens… I just feel like something is going to go wrong… And then, well… I think about Peter… I should have known… I failed, and… and… My brain is just… it doesn’t make any sense… I keep having memories of that night… seeing those jaws…”

She squeezed his shoulder and wondered how she could make him see sense. Usually, he was the most logical of the Marauders, but on occasion she had seen he had another side – a part of him that was a wounded as Sirius, but much better hidden. The part of him that made him the voice of reason when the Marauders had planned something likely to lead to disaster, the part of him that planned meticulously to prevent such disasters, was also the part of him that expected everything to go wrong and blamed himself when anything did.

“It’s not your fault, Remus. You know that, don’t you?”

He shook his head again, this time more emphatically.

“No, I should have… something, surely I could have done something…”

“What, Remus? You could have stopped Sirius leaving? You could have stopped Peter betraying us?”

That seemed to get through to Remus, and he stopped shaking his head.

“I… I don’t know.”

His voice was small and sad.

“I just feel like… I’m wrong, somehow. Like something awful’s going to happen, and it’s my fault.”

Lily gave him a small smile. She wanted to say that things would be alright, but she couldn’t. There was a war on, and none of them were safe. Awful things had happened already, and more awful things would almost certainly happen. Still, as hard as it had been to find out that Peter was a traitor, at least they had found out before Death Eaters had turned up at Godric’s Hollow. Lily shuddered at the thought of what might have happened had Severus not written that letter.

“Remus… I wish I could say something to make it better. I wish you weren’t… away.”

He closed his eyes and gave a slow sigh.

“I hate it. I hate it so much. Since I’ve been with… his pack, I’ve felt… I can’t describe it, but it’s horrible. Even before I joined, from when I met him. I just… It’s like something’s broken inside me. My mind won’t work properly. And… well I can’t really remember that night, when he… when I was turned, but I keep remembering bits… or I think they are memories, I don’t know. I think about the strangest things, like the pillowcases I had on my bed when I was really young that had these little teddy bears on them and they are all staring at me and then I feel like choking and I just want to scream but I can’t and then I… I… I’m going crazy, Lily. And I’m so scared.”

The tears that had been threatening began to run down his face then.

“I can’t do this, Lily.”

“Then don’t, Remus. Tell Dumbledore you can’t do it anymore.”

“No… no… I have to.”

He surrendered to the tears, sobbing now as she’d never seen him cry before. She pulled him into a hug and he pressed his face to the side of her neck. Dumbledore had a lot to answer for, she thought, that Remus felt obliged to keep spying on the werewolves when he felt this bad. She didn’t think she had ever seem him like this.

Lily heard James walk back into the room and then stop. She turned her head but didn’t let go of Remus.

“Is he okay?” James asked quietly.

Lily gave him a hard stare. It had been a rough day and she didn’t have any patience left for stupid questions. A part of her knew that James had had a hard day too, and that she should be more tolerant, but she was still upset that he’d listened to Pettigrew. And perhaps she was upset that she had listened to him a little as well.

When they’d been at Hogwarts, Lily would never have thought that Remus could have betrayed his friends. He’d always seemed so steady and calm, and intensely loyal to his friends, whether or not they deserved it. She had been drawn to that steadiness, such a contrast with Severus’s fluctuating moods. By the last year of school, she’d begun to notice that some of the apparent calm was not calm at all. In situations where James would flap around uselessly and Sirius would shout at the wrong person and Peter would get nervously indecisive, Remus would simply go somewhere else. He might say and do what was needed – she remembered a couple of nasty spell injuries where he’d calmly taken the victim to the infirmary – but he would’t quite be there.

Once school had finished, the cracks in his veneer had become more obvious. Lily, James and Sirius had sailed into the auror training programme while Peter got a job at the Ministry. Remus had picked up the odd piece of work here and there, but with his status as a werewolf officially recorded by the Ministry, few employers would look at him. He had struggled with the rejection and boredom, and had begun to drink much more heavily. It was easy to believe Peter’s insinuations that Remus resented them. It hadn’t helped hearing the story of what had happened in the Shrieking Shack – Remus nearly killing Severus – even though it had clearly been Sirius’s fault. It had been Peter that had brought that up as well, she remembered, letting a reference to the incident slip out one evening, forcing the others to explain to her.

“Can I do anything to help?”

James asked a sensible question this time, drawing Lily out of her guilt.

“Maybe help me get him up onto the couch?”

Remus was still crying, still clinging to her, but he seemed calmer. James crouched down on the opposite side of him and placed a tentative hand on his back.

“Hey, Moony.”

Remus seemed to shrink further in response, attempting to curl himself up smaller as if it would help him hide.

“Remus, how about we get up onto the couch, love. It’s not very comfortable on the floor.”

Remus moved his head back slightly so that he could see Lily’s face. She gave him a small smile and gave a twitch of his mouth in response. Tears still ran down his face, but at least he was responding to her.

She nodded to James and he touched Remus’s arm, before slipping his hand underneath the elbow. Together, Lily and James helped him to stand and walk to the couch. His legs were shaking and Lily suspected he would fall if they let him go.

“That’s it, love, we’re right here.”

As they sat him down, he seemed to collapse, body falling forward as if he was trying to shrink himself away again.

“No, no, Remus. Stay with me.”

She sat beside him and put her arms around him.

“Jamie, love, how about a cup of tea? And more of that chocolate if there’s any?”

Jmaes pulled away in relief, more comfortable fiddling with the kettle and digging through the bag of food Sirius had brought, while Lily looked after Remus, rocking him and holding him tight. He returned and placed tea and chocolate on the coffee table. He’d made tea for all of them and Lily reached for her cup gratefully. She swallowed a scalding mouthful then put her own cup down and lifted Remus’s. After a few sips, he lifted his own hands to take the cup, managing to hold them steady enough so that he only spilled a little of the tea.

She broke off a piece of chocolate and handed it to him. He stared for a moment, then took it. His eyes half closed as he ate it.

“Does that help?” Lily asked, one hand reaching for more chocolate, the other rubbing Remus’s back in slow circles.

He nodded and she handed him the next piece. When that had disappeared, she passed more, and then more. She managed to get him to eat a third of the block before he refused to have any more.

“Go on, Remus, you need it. You’re too thin.”

“I’ll get sick if I have any more. Not… not used to eating much.”

“Alright, I suppose,” she said, uncomfortably reminded of just how thin he was looking. “You feeling a bit better now?”

“Yeah, I’m… I’m really sorry about that. Just got a bit…”

“It’s okay, Remus. You are under a lot of pressure. This must be so hard for you.”

“It’s fine. We all have to things that are hard. You know what Dumbledore says about what is easy and what is right.”

He gave a weak smile and Lily felt a surge of anger. She’d looked up to Dumbledore so much when she was younger, but she’d begun to wonder recently. She certainly couldn’t condone him sending Remus to the werewolf packs, not when she saw the effect it was having on him. And when she’d heard what had happened with Severus in the Shrieking Shack, she had been shocked that Dumbledore hadn’t taken it more seriously. Was it any wonder that Severus had been successfully recruited into the Death Eaters before he had even left school.

“You won’t tell Sirius, will you?”

Remus’s anxious voice brought her back.

“Sorry? Tell him what?” she asked.

“That I… that I… was upset.”

He gave James a pleading look.

“No, couse not, Moony,” James replied.

“James,” Lily said sharply.

Both James and Remus turned to look at her.

“Please don’t,” Remus asked again.

“Remus, he hurt you. He needs to know that. He needs to take responsibility.”

“It wasn’t his fault. Please…”

Lily looked pointedly at James. He had been there. He had seen what happened when she hadn’t.

James looked uncomfortable for a moment.

“Moony… he… it was his fault. He does need to know that.”

Remus looked like he was about to start crying again. He was pressing his lips together and blinking.

“We won’t be nasty about it, Remus. But we will talk to him. We don’t have to tell him the things you said about being with Greyback’s pack though.”

Remus nodded and gave a faint smile. He relaxed visibly at Lily’s words.

“I don’t want him to worry.”

“It’s okay, Moony. And we will look after him, you know?”

“Thank you.”

Remus looked down at his hands and began to pick at one of the scabs there.

“I need to get back. Don’t want anyone to start to wonder where I am.”

He stood and began walking to the door. Lily stopped him and pulled him into a tight hug. James waited until she released him, then hugged Remus himself.

“Stay safe, Moony.”

“You too.”

He looked from James to Lily, then grabbed to portkey and was gone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm updating about every 3 weeks at the moment. My motivation is awful and getting the words out it like pulling teeth. Nonetheless, I am enjoying writing this fic and won't stop until it's finished. I'm now not quite sure of the number of chapters as I'm reworking the ending with a little twist.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Regulus gets help from an unexpected source.

Regulus had never felt so alone in his life.

It had been a month since Severus had written the letter to Lily and borrowed Narcissa’s owl to send it. He had been back to visit Regulus only once after that, turning up in the middle of the night a few days after Halloween. He was pale and trembling, and he hadn’t spoken a word on arrival, just pressed his body close to Regulus and allowed himself to be held and rocked, and eventually fell asleep in Regulus’s arms. Much later, not long before dawn, he’d jolted awake and begun to speak in a small voice, as if his mind had gone somewhere distant to avoid the horror’s he’d experienced, and hadn’t quite come back yet.

He’d reported that Peter Pettigrew had turned up at Malfoy Manor looking smug and had taken the Dark Lord to the Potter’s house. He had been less smug when they found the house empty, with evidence of a hasty departure. Pettigrew had suffered the Dark Lord’s wrath, but he wasn’t the only one. It seemed too convenient that they’d suddenly gone away just when the Dark Lord had found them.

Suspicion had fallen on Severus. After all, Lily had been his friend, and he’d begged the Dark Lord to spare her.

Severus had fallen silent then.

“What happened, Sev?” Regulus asked, gently placing his hand on Severus’s jaw and stroking his cheek with his thumb. He didn’t really want to know the answer, but he suspected that Severus needed to say it. He kept up the soothing motion while Severus avoided his eyes. Regulus knew that if he kept up with the calming touch, Severus would eventually relax enough to look at him and say what he was avoiding.

Eventually, Severus looked directly at him.

“It wasn’t the usual round of “torture everyone until he’s in a better mood”. It was… systematic. He had Bellatrix… and some of the others… MacNair, Crouch, Dolohov, Pettigrew… that bastard just couldn’t wait to get to me after I spoiled his plans… they… you know… and he went into my mind between… he wanted to see… know if it was me.”

“Did he…?”

Severus gave him a glare.

“I’m still here, aren’t I?

Regulus felt stupid for a moment, before realising the implication.

“Oh, oh Merlin, Severus…”

His words trailed off and he just stared in horror.

“It’s alright. Occlumency, remember? Your father’s books?”

“You can’t go back.”

The hand which had been held to Severus’s face slid behind his neck and pulled him closer. Their foreheads touched for a moment and then Severus shifted his head slightly to give him a brief kiss.

“I have to, Reg,” he breathed. “I have to report to Dumbledore, and he will want me to keep spying. I have to, for Lily. And for all of us. You won’t be safe until we bring this bastard down. I don’t have to like Dumbledore, I don’t have to trust him, but he’s our best chance.”

Regulus wanted to beg. He wanted to cry and cling to Severus and tell him not to go, but he knew it wouldn’t help. Severus didn’t need him to be weak.

So Regulus had nodded and said it was okay, and that was the last time he’d seen him.

He’d kept telling himself that Severus would be fine. He told himself that Severus had a lot to do, now that he had to report everything to Dumbledore. He told himself that he’d probably been asked to make extra potions. And Severus had to be careful. He wouldn’t want to give Regulus away. It would be difficult for him to find the time to visit Regulus, and to do so unseen.

After two weeks, he started telling himself a different story. Perhaps Severus had lost interest in him. He knew Severus could do better. Regulus could admit that, from the outside, Severus might not appeal to everyone, with his nose and his teeth and his scowl. But he was brilliant and brave, and unexpectedly soft when he finally trusted someone. Surely he could find someone better than Regulus, who was quite definitely neither brave nor brilliant.

He would lie there at night, imagining the new man that Severus was with. Or perhaps he’d found himself a woman. Someone he could marry, who could give him children. Not that Severus had shown much interested in having children, but Regulus had always wanted his own family, the chance to have a home filled with the love and laughter he’d never had. It warmed him to think of Severus experiencing that. It was better to think that Severus had abandoned him than to think of him tortured or murdered by the Dark Lord.

Kreacher was the one to shatter his illusion. He’d gone out to get supplies one day and came back distraught. It had taken Regulus some time to get the story out of him, especially as he kept trying to bang his head on the floor. At one point, he’d escaped Regulus’s grip, run across the room and tipped the kettle over himself. It hadn’t been hot enough to burn, but the intent frightened Regulus. It had been years since he’d seen Kreacher hurt himself like that – the last time was when Sirius had left Grimmaud Place bruised and bleeding and had never come back.

Eventually Kreacher told him that he’d spoken to Dobby, one of the house elves from Malfoy Manor. Dobby, Kreacher said, had heard from another house elf, who was related to the Lestrange elves, that Severus was being held at the Lestrange estate. Under some duress, he had apparently admitted that he had been spying for Dumbledore and had warned the Potters about the traitor. Most of the Death Eaters, especially Pettigrew, saw no reason to keep him alive any longer, but the Dark Lord wasn’t ready to kill him, as he also suspected Severus knew something about Regulus’s disappearance. 

Regulus managed, with considerable effort, to remain relatively calm. He understood Kreacher’s way of thinking, and knew that the more upset Regulus appeared, the more upset Kreacher would be at having brought him the news.

“Thank you for letting me know, Kreacher,” he said, his voice steadier than he felt. “I’m very grateful to you for bringing me this news, even though it’s bad news.”

“Kreacher is sorry,” the elf wailed.

“No, no, Kreacher, it’s alright. You have nothing to be sorry for.”

“But Master Severus is being tortured.”

Regulus flinched as Kreacher writhed in his arms, grabbing at his own ear and twisting it roughly. He knew what would be happening to Severus, but he didn’t want to hear about it.

“Shh, now, Kreacher.”

“KREACHER MUST BE PUNISHED,” the elf screamed, as he twisted out of Regulus’s arms again and ran straight at the wall, hitting it with a thud and falling backwards.

Regulus grabbed his wand and shot a stunning spell at Kreacher. The elf was suddenly still and silent. Regulus picked him up and laid him down on the mattress, before heading for the last unopened bottle of firewhisky. He drank straight from the bottle before sinking to the ground where he stood. He was shaking now, and it seemed as if every last drop of energy had been drained from his body. He curled himself up on the floor and cried. What would he do without Severus?

Regulus knew that he shouldn’t stay in Cokeworth any more. Severus was strong, but if they kept torturing him, he’d eventually tell them where Regulus and Kreacher were hiding, and then they’d both be dead. But where else could they go? What could they do? The only other person Regulus thought he might be able to trust was Sirius. But he’d tried sending a several messages to Sirius over the last few weeks and had received no response. He’d tried to tell himself stories about why Sirius wasn’t responding – he knew his brother was an unreliable correspondent at the best of times, and these weren’t the best of times. But he couldn’t stop the feeling that something awful had happened to Sirius as well.

When Kreacher recovered from the stunning spell, he was less hysterical, but still hurting himself. Regulus tried a calming draught which Severus had made and, when that didn’t work, firewhisky. It made Kreacher maudlin, but mostly stopped him trying to attack himself. When the firewhisky ran out, fairly quickly as Regulus was drinking it too, Regulus had waited until he was relatively sober, put Kreacher under a binding spell and followed their werewolf neighbour. As Regulus had suspected, that led him to the nearest off-licence, where he stocked up on cheap liquor.

And so they’d remained ever since, Kreacher drinking his way through a startling quantity of awful rum and reminiscing about Sirius and Regulus’s childhood, while Regulus remained just sober enough to convince Kreacher that he was fine. He wasn’t, but he didn’t know what else to do. He was pretty sure he was waiting for death, but without knowing for sure that Severus and Sirius were both dead he wasn’t ready to hasten the process. He did, though, write a farewell note to Severus, even though there was no way he’d ever receive it, and then another to Sirius. He debated sending the note for Sirius using the charmed notepaper they had been using to communicate, but ended up sending another request to meet instead. No point in troubling his brother with his miserable musings when he wasn’t actully dead yet.

The miracle came in the form of a small, grey owl. It sat and hooted at him for some time before he realised he wasn’t imagining it, then he scrambled to find some sort of treat for it. It nibbled at the cheese before dropping it, but deigned to give Regulus the note it carried, which turned out to be from James Potter. James apologised for not getting in touch sooner, because he’d only just found the messages sent to Sirius when searching his flat for some information Sirius had about personalising portkeys. He said that Sirius was _elsewhere and uncontactable at this particular moment_ but asked if he could help Regulus with anything. Regulus had replied immediately, desperately, not even thinking to be cautious about establishing that it really was James Potter and not a Death Eater ploy to lure him out of hiding.

He arranged to meet James at the local fish and chip shop. It wasn’t far away and Regulus had gone there a few times when he wasn’t feeling too anxious. Greasy chips were a muggle delight that Severus had introduced him to. Regulus didn’t think meeting there would protect him if it wasn’t James but Death Eaters, but at least they would be conspicuous.

What Regulus hadn’t considered was that James would be equally conspicuous. He’d walked into the shop looking every inch the pureblood wizard trying to pass for muggle, as well looking like posh boy who’d strayed into a rough neighbourhood. He wore an oversized brown jumper with holes in the sleeves over a part of ripped jeans which were tight and slightly too short. On his feet were a pair of expensive dragonhide shoes. His hair was shorter than it had been at school, neatly trimmed rather than the wild afro he’d had but he still had the thick glasses.

“Regulus, good to see you,” he said, offering his hand.

Regulus stared at him as every head in the room turned to stare at the guy with the posh voice.

“Reg,” Regulus hissed at him. Severus had made it quite clear that Reg was an acceptable name in Cokeworth, but Regulus was not. And that Regulus should say as little as possible, as his voice marked him out as not from around here.

“Reg, sorry about that. You remember me from school, don’t you?” James responded, not taking the hint.

A several of the men waiting in the shop started to mutter. Regulus caught the words “taking our fucking jobs” from an angry-looking man with a shaved head who looked like he was spoiling for a fight. James remained oblivious, but before things could deteriorate further, Regulus’s number was called. The owner of the shop handed over his chips.

“Get your mate out of here, yeah?” he said as he passed the parcel of chips over. “Unless you want to see him beaten up.”

Regulus nodded and turned for the door.

“C’mon,” he said to James and waited for him to leave before he followed.

“They didn’t look very friendly in there,” James said as they walked down to a local park, eating Regulus’s chips.

“Yeah, well…”

“Let me guess,” James said, his voice now softer and more discreet, “posh _and_ brown doesn’t go down too well around here?”

Regulus nodded, not sure what to say.

“Lily grew up around here, you know,” James continued. “Hard to picture her in a place like this. But she was from London and her family came for her father’s work. Not like people who were born here.”

James looked at him and Regulus looked back impassively. He knew that James was referring to Severus, but Regulus wasn’t going to mention him until he knew a bit more.

“Why’d you want to meet here, anyway? Funny place for a pureblood to pick.”

“Yeah, well, most wizards are going to stick out like a howler around here. Not an easy place for a Death Eater ambush.”

James looked around him nervously.

“Right,” James said, then went rather silent.

Regulus offered him a chip but said nothing.

“Anyway… ah… if you would come with me, we’d like to ask you some questions, just to be sure you are who you say you are.”

Regulus nodded. If it was a Death Eater ambush, he thought that he had nothing to lose now anyway.

“There’s an alley near here. Do you want to apparate?”

James had taken him to a small cottage, sparsely furnished but clean, where an older man was waiting. James pointed Regulus to the sofa, where he sat while the older man watched him in silence, fingering his wand. James went to the kitchen and returned with three cups of tea. Despite the intimidating manner of the older wizard, Regulus was pretty sure his situation couldn’t be too dire if he was being offered tea.

“Ted here’s a bit of an expert in curses and counter curses,” James said. “He’s going to check you out for dark magic and suchlike.”

Regulus was there for well over an hour before Ted appeared satisfied. After that, James began to ask questions while Ted made more tea. Regulus obliged for a while, but dug his toes in when James asked if he’d had help.

“I’ll tell you who helped me,” he said, hoping his voice wasn’t shaking, “when you tell me where my brother is.”

He lifted his chin slightly and looked James in the eye. James turned to Ted, who nodded, then James looked at the floor and gave a sigh.

“Azkaban.”

“WHAT?”

Regulus couldn’t keep the shock from his voice.

“I’m sorry,” James said. “It’s complicated.”

Regulus waited.

“He killed someone. Well, a lot of people. He killed Peter Pettigrew. He might have… well, the aurors might have taken mitigating circumstances into account, except he killed him with a blasting curse and killed twelve muggles in the process.”

James hung his head.

“I’m sorry. I don’t much like the chances of him getting out either. But he’d have wanted us to help you, I’m sure.”

Regulus felt himself go cold. After all that, it seemed like he had lost Sirius as well. He felt a hand on his shoulder and looked up to see Ted.

“We will look after you, Regulus. You don’t know this, but I’m married to your cousin Andromeda. You won’t be on your own.”

Regulus blinked in surprise at this revelation. Ted was Ted Tonks, the man who’d married his cousin, causing her to be disowned by her family. He supposed it should give him some comfort, but his mind was on Sirius still. His brother was gone. In Azkaban. As good as dead.

“What happened? With Sirius?”

“I’m not sure what I can tell you. Peter was our secret keeper when Lily, Harry and I went into hiding. We were warned that Peter was a traitor. Sirius went after him, cornered him and… blew up half a street in the process of killing him.”

“You were warned…” Regulus said. Something was bothering him, but he couldn’t figure out what.

“We had a letter,” James said.

“A letter… A letter from Severus Snape, wasn’t it?”

Surprise showed on James’s face.

“Yes. Yes it was. How did you…?”

“I was there when Severus wrote that letter. He sent it… what, late October?”

“The 31st. Halloween.”

“So when did Sirius…?”

“Well, after that.”

“When? Exactly when?” Regulus said, now looking intently at James. 

“I don’t know exactly… probably the next day… why were you there when Snape–“

“Pettigrew was alive after that.”

“What?”

“Severus told me that Pettigrew… he saw Pettigrew after that. I don’t know when exactly, third or fourth of November. He didn’t mention Pettigrew being killed.”

“But…”

“You’re saying Pettigrew was alive on the third or fourth of November?” Ted asked, interrupting James.

“I think so. Severus would be sure. He…”

Regulus’s voice faded. Severus would know, if he was still alive. But that was surely doubtful. Maybe there was something in the fact that Pettigrew had been seen alive after he was supposedly dead, but dates get confused. Severus was as good as dead. Sirius was in Azkaban. There only one he cared about who was still alive.

“I have to get Kreacher,” Regulus said, startling both James and Ted with his sudden outburst.

“Kreacher? Who… what is Kreacher?” Ted said.

“Isn’t… isn’t Kreacher one of the Black house elves? I think Sirius mentioned him.”

“I need to get him.”

“You trust him? What if your parents ordered him to say where you were?”

“He’s not with my parents. He’s back in Cokeworth. And he’s helped me against my parents many times. He’d never do anything against me.”

James smiled and looked at Ted, who gave a slightly shrug.

“Alright, let’s get him then.”


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A rescue mission is planned. Baby Harry is cute.

X.

If there was one thing Harry loved, it was a room full of people. He was his father’s son and would do anything for attention. Right now, he was squealing loudly as he ran around the room with Kingsley Shacklebolt’s wand. Kingsley was evidently not used to small children and had left his wand far too close to the table edge when Harry was standing nearby.

Before Lily could do anything, Kreacher appeared in the room, apparating completely silently, directly in front of Harry. The boy thudded into him and nearly fell back, but Kreacher put a steadying arm around him.

“What has Master Harry found there?”

“Ba,” said Harry, which Lily thought meant “wand” but could have been almost anything.

Kreacher’s eyes widened.

“Really?” he said, in an exaggerated tone. “May I see?”

“No!”

This time Harry’s word was unmistakable. His speech was still pretty hard to understand, practice makes perfect and that was his favourite word.

“No?” Kreacher said. His mouth turned down. “Harry make Kreacher sad. Kreacher might cry.”

“No!” Harry said again, but this time he shoved the wand towards Kreacher.

Kreacher took the wand from Harry and his face lit up.

“What a beautiful wand. Who does the beautiful wand belong to?”

“Ha ee.”

“Really? Harry is sure?”

Harry nodded.

“Really? Harry not fib?”

“Fa. Fa,” Harry giggled.

Kreacher put a serious look on his face.

“Kreacher think wand belong to… “

He pointed to Lily.

“Mummy.”

“No.”

“Kreacher think wand belong to… Daddy.”

“No!”

Harry was starting to giggle now.

“Kreacher think wand belong to… Ted.”

“No! No!”

Kreacher twisted up his face in a frown.

“Kreacher think hard. Kreacher think wand belong to… Mr Shacklebolt.”

He pointed to Kingsley, realising Harry had never met him before and wouldn’t know his name.

“Ye!” Harry shrieked in delight. “Ye!”

“Does Harry think the lovely wand would like to fly back to Mr Shacklebolt?”

Harry’s eyes went wide as the wand lifted up into the air and moved across the room, back into Kingsley’s hand. Kingsley looked immensely relieved.

“Ge, ge,” Harry yelled.

“Not now, Harry. Kreacher read Harry story? Story about wand?”

Harry nodded and Lily gave a sigh of relief as the two went in search of a book. They only had a few books, but Kreacher never actually read them, he just allowed Harry to turn the pages while he made up the story. He would probably be able to keep Harry occupied for half an hour or so, at least long enough that he wouldn’t notice them leaving. If they were lucky, he would get Harry to sleep, and James and Lily would be back before he knew his parents were gone.

“When’s your friend getting here?” Kingsley asked as he tucked his wand safely in his sleeve and returned to the map of the Lestrange mansion - Le Chateau des Corbeaux - that was spread across the table.

“Moo… um, Remus?” James said. “Should be soon. He’s just got to be careful getting away and sometimes has to delay a bit. He’s…”

James paused and glanced at Ted, who shook his head.

“Kingsley appreciates that there may be some details he doesn’t need to know,” Ted said, and Kingsley shrugged one shoulder.

Ted had been a life saver to them over the last few weeks. Peter’s betrayal had shaken both James and Lily so badly that they’d been reluctant to trust anyone except Sirius and Remus. And with Sirius in Azkaban and Remus with Greyback, they’d felt very much alone. While they had owled Dumbledore to say what had happened, they’d not told him where they were staying. They’d been reluctant to give him too much information or contact anyone else, uncertain how badly Peter’s bettrayal had compromised the Order.

Finally, after a week of deliberating and winding themselves into knots of anxiety, they had contacted Sirius’s cousin Andromeda. Sirius had suggested contacting her when James and Lily had first turned up in Sirius’s flat with a grizzling Harry and a garbled story about Peter betraying them. At the time, Lily had been far to panicked to trust anyone and had prefered to go to a place she knew. But once they’d made contact with Andromeda, they knew they had done the right thing.

Both Andromeda and Ted were skilled in defensive magic. They’d worked as freelance curse-breakers and had hair-raising stories of the adventures they’d had before their daughter was born. They also both seemed to have a defiant streak. Andromeda had defied her family marrying the muggleborn Ted, and both were scathing about the Ministry. They helped the Order on occasion, but were unwilling to join for reasons they never explained.

When Dumbledore had been happy to help Regulus destroy the locket he’d stolen from Voldemort, but unwilling to help rescue Severus, the Tonks’s had merely shrugged.

“We can get him out ourselves. I’ve got a couple of people I can talk to,” Ted said, and had turned up the next day with Kingsley.  
Lily had heard of Kingsley, as James and Sirius had often worked with him, but she’d never met him herself. He appeared very much as they had described – every inch the straight-laced Ministry auror. She wondered how he’d come to be friendly with Ted, with his anti-authoritarian leanings, but Ted was evasive when asked. After a few meetings formulating a plan to rescue Severus, she’d found herself liking Kingsley, despite her reluctance to trust a stranger when so much was at stake. He wasn’t what she had first thought, as he was quite comfortable bending or breaking rules when necessary, and he was anything but the stuffy pureblood she’s assumed from his name.

“And you’re quite sure about your… Remus?” Kingsley asked. “It seems a risk, bringing someone along who hasn’t been a part of the planning.”

“He’s very quick, right Lily?”

“He is. He’ll pick it up right away.”

Lily gave Kingsley a confident smile as she spoke, but she wasn’t completely sure. They’d seen Remus only once since the night that Sirius had gone to find Peter and ended up in Azkaban as a mass-murderer. He’d looked just as bad as that night, but had taken the news calmly.

“Sirius wouldn’t do that,” he’d said, with a certainty that unwould the knot in Lily’s chest. “I could believe he’d kill Peter after… you know, but… not innocent people.”

They’d sent James’s owl and left a portkey for Remus, but he had no idea they would be going on a rescue mission. It was too great a risk to call him away for any of the meetings they’d had to plan, so they were taking a chance bringing him along. But they’d seen him on Order missions, even only a day or two after the full moon, and trusted in his ability to ignore his own pain and focus on the goal.

When Remus finally arrived – they were all getting twitchy by that time – Lily nearly thought they’d been wrong. He was haggard and pale, and looked thinner than Lily had ever seen him. Has face and hands bore a number of new scars and there was a raw-looking wound at the back of his neck which his hand strayed to periodically. But when they explained, a mask seemed to come down over his face. He began asking pointed questions about the details of the plan and his eyes burned with intensity. Lily stole a glance at Kingsley and was reassured that he approved.

Lily and James glanced in on Harry – relieved to find him sound asleep while Kreacher sorted laundry nearby – then they all apparated to the Lestrange estate, a few acres of windswept moor near Lynton. Lily gave James a quick kiss, before releasing his hand and going to stand beside Remus and Regulus. James moved a bit closer to Kingsley – they would be bringing up the rear of the group – while Ted and Andromeda shared a glance.

“Everyone ready?” Ted asked.

Lily nodded then looked around at the others. Remus still had the focused expression he’d had back at the house when they’d told him the plan. He looked alert but calm, they way he’d looked on the first missions they had done for the Order. Lily had no concerns that he wouldn’t be up to it. James was jittery, but she knew he always was before a mission and that he’d settle as soon as they were moving. Kingsley was a little stiff in the way he stood, but looked steady and sensible. Ted looked like he was preparing to nip down to the pub for a pint or two – one hand was actually in his pocket while the other held his wife’s hand. Andromeda looked pale and uncomfortable, and Lily was concerned about her. She’d been invaluable in the planning as she had an extensive knowledge of the Chateau– the Blacks and Lestranges had apparently been close well before Bellatrix married Rodolphus. Lily could see that she hated talking about both the estate and the family, though, and that she didn’t like the idea of going there.

But of all the group, it was Regulus that worried Lily the most. He’d been good at the planning, but now they were actually there, he looked close to panic.

“You okay, Reg?” Remus asked. Evidently Lily wasn’t the only one to see.

Regulus shrugged and looked down, and Remus put a hand on his shoulder.

“It’s better that you tell us if there’s something,” Ted said. “We can work with what we know about, right?”

Andromeda spoke in agreement and Regulus looked up again.

“I… I think I might be liability. Sometimes I get really scared and panic and… well, do stupid stuff. You know… in… if there’s a fight or something.”

“You’re with Lily and me,” Remus siad, his voice sounding more confident than Lily had heard it in a long time. “We’ll make sure you’re okay. Just stick close, alright, and if you’re worried about anything just let me know. I’ll have your back.”

Regulus nodded and his expression relaxed a bit. Lily was surprised for a moment – she assumed that Remus was the one that Regulus knew the least out of all of them. But then she remembered that Remus had always been friendly to Regulus at school. Periodically, Sirius and Regulus would have arguments where they weren’t speaking to each other, especially after Sirius was disowned. But Remus had acted as an intermediary and helped them keep some sort of contact until they’d left school.

After a few more moments just looking at each other and confirming they were ready, Ted and Andromeda led off. They would go first, entering the Chateau – via one of the little used doors near the kitchens and leading the way to the cellars, where they suspected that Severus was being held. Remus, Regulus and Lily followed. They would be the ones to bring Severus out. James and Kingsley would follow, guarding against any attack from behind.

Once they were close to the house, Lily began to feel a chill through her blood. She knew that the house would be huge, from the descriptions that Andromeda and Regulus had given, but she hadn’t fully grasped what it would be like. It could be a long journey through the cellar trying to find Severus, if he was even still alive.

Ted and Andromeda took an agonisingly long time to get through the back door. At once point they called Kingsley over for a brief discussion, then returned to their spellwork. Lily knew that it was a difficult business to disable wards without setting them off, so tried to be patient. James was still jittery so she reached across and took his hand.

And then they were in. The door swung slowly open and Andromeda stepped through, closely followed by Ted. She had explained that the human residents almost never went near the kitchen but that they were likely to encounter house elves. Although it had been years, Andromeda hoped that many of the elves would remember her, and not immediately alert their masters. Regulus followed Andromeda and Ted closely. The elves would certaintly remember him kindly.

Lily could hear the high voices of the elves working in the kitchen as she walked through the door and followed Regulus down a dim corridor. Just ahead, Andromeda and Ted paused before an open doorway, pointing their wands for a few moments before beginning to walk down some stone stairs. They reached a landing, paused with their wands held before them again, then continued. Regulus followed, then Lily and Remus. She could hear James and Kingsley behind them. 

The stairs came out in another long, dim corridor. There were storerooms either side, several with food and a couple with rack after rack of elf-made wine. There were further rooms lined with shelves and with odd little pieces of fabric and blanket piles on the shelves. A couple of house elves were asleep on the piles, and Lily realised that this must be elf accomodation.

At the end of the corridor, there were more steps, these steeper and narrower than the previous ones. Lily could feel the air getting colder, as if there were dementors nearby, and there was a smell – a mix of damp, urine and other smells that she couldn’t bring herself to name. The stairs opened into another corridor with doors on either side – heavy wooden doors with small, barred windows. The smell got stronger.

Ted and Andromeda looked into the first room then stepped inside, signalling to the others to wait. After a moment, they came out.

“It’s empty,” Ted said quietly. “Hasn’t been used in a while and there’s some damage to the lock. If we hear anyone coming, that’s where we go. Leave the door exactly as it is.”

Lily nodded in acknowledgement and continued to follow. They looking in all the rooms, one after the other. All were empty, but some smelled worse than others. One in particular seemed to draw Ted and Andromeda’s attention. Ted gave Kingsley some sort of signal and he went and stood out in the corridor, taking James with him. Then he and Andromeda spent some time with their wands held against the dark stones of the walls and floor.

“Back to the first room,” Ted said when they seemed finished.

Once they were there, he directed James to keep watch outside then spoke again.

“I reckon that last room is where they’ve been keeping him. There’s evidence of recent magic – a few curses, but mostly levitation charms and the occasional _Scourgify_.”

He looked at his wife, who nodded in agreement before speaking herself.

“I suspect that they take him somewhere else for questioning, and that’s where he is now. Ted, do you agree?”

“Yes, I’d say so. That means that they’ll probably be bringing him back soon. Or soon enough. I suggest that we wait until they do. There’s a good chance they will just lock him in and leave him unguarded.”

“Are you sure he’s still alive?” Regulus asked. He was very pale and had visibly flinched when Andromeda had mentioned Severus being questioned.

“I’m sure, Reg,” Andromeda said, putting her hand on his shoulder for a moment. “There’s no recent trace of death in the room.”

Ted brought James back into the room, giving him a very brief summary before they all shifted to a corner where they wouldn’t be visible to anyone walking past. And then they waited.

Lily knew it hadn’t been more than half an hour, but it felt like weeks before they heard voices and footsteps approaching. Lily heard Regulus draw in a sharp breath, then Remus murmur softly in reassurance. Remus shifted slightly and put his arm around Regulus.

“Steady, Reg. You know what you have to do.”

The voices got louder and then suddenly there was a burst of laughter that made them all tense up for a moment.

“Oh, you are naughty, Basty,” said the man who had been laughing. “But you could be right. If Snape did know anything about Black, surely we’d know by now?”

“Not necessarily, Lucius,” said the other man, Basty. In her head, Lily went through the list of Death Eaters that Regulus had named, and guessed that he was probably Rabastan Lestrange.

“How so?”

“What if he’s an occlumens?”

“Occ – what?” said Lucius – presumably Lucius Malfoy – before giving a nervous giggle. The footsteps slowed as the men walked down the stairs. Lily could hear a faint scuffing sound, as if something was being dragged. She felt ill when she realised it was probably Severus.

“Merlin’s bollocks, Lucius, how did you ever pass your NEWTS?”

“Father paid someone. What’s that got to do with anything?”

“Because, you git, I can’t believe you consider yourself trained in the dark arts yet have never heard of it. Occlumency is mind control. Where you shield parts of your mind so you don’t show emotions or… give tells. You know, so you’re not complete shit at poker.”

“I see.”

Malfoy sounded very much like he didn’t see, but Lestrange didn’t continue his explanation. Lily rather hoped he would. He seemed to like the sound of his own voice and if he was concentrating on giving a lecture to Malfoy he was less likely to notice that they had company in the cellar. The footsteps stopped and there was the sound of something soft being dropped.

“Should we wake him up, Basty?”

“Just leave him. Maybe he’ll get lucky and choke to death on his own vomit.”

Malfoy gave another laugh and Lestrange joined him, before continuing his discourse on the uses of occlumency.

“Of course,” he said, his voice fading as they climbed the stairs and moved away, “He’d have to be a genius at it to be hiding something after the kind of interrogation he’s had. Not very likely, I’d say. Chances are he knows nothing about the mysterious missing Black and the Dark Lord’s just having fun with him.”

Regulus let out a small whimper before quickly closing his hand over his mouth.

“It’s okay, Reg,” Remus whispered. “They’re too far away now. Just wait a bit longer.”

The two or three minutes before Ted allowed them to move seemed even longer than the wait before, but finally they were out of the room and moving towards Severus. James and Kingsley stood on the stairs in case anyone returned, while Ted and Andromeda stood at the door to the room where Severus was being held. They raised their wands for a for a few seconds, before Andromeda cast _Alohomora_.

“Should have known,” she said under hear breath. “He always was a lazy bastard.”

The door swung open and Lily could see a black shape at the back of the room. She felt her stomach clench as she realised that it was Severus. Beside her, Regulus gave a gasp and she grabbed his arm in case he rushed forward before Ted and Andromeda were finished checking for alert charms and booby traps. But Regulus kept his head and waited until they stepped back before he dashed to Severus’s side.

“Sev, Sev, can you hear me, love?”

He fell to his knees and leaned close to the battered figure. As Regulus lifted him, Lily could see that both eyes were swollen shut and his whole face was a mass of dried blood and bruises. She could hear slow, rasping breaths, but they were the only sign of life. Severus didn’t respond at all as Regulus cradled his head and whispered reassurance to him.

“Lean back a bit, Reg, so we can get him up,” Andromeda said, before she nodded at Lily and Remus. They both cast _Mobilicorpus_ and slowly the limp figure was raised up. Regulus pulled the broken body close, standing with Severus’s head resting on his shoulder. Lily and Remus were to carry Severus out – both casting the spell so that if one broke concentration, he would not fall. Regulus held Severus physically, so that he wouldn’t be jarred or knocked as Lily and Remus carried him magically – it was notoriously difficult to levitate an unconscious person without injuring them and nobody in the group had done it before.

They were nearly at the door and Lily could almost believe that they might get out without any problems when a house elf came around the corner carrying a cauldron almost bigger than she was. She gave a startled yelp at the sight of the group, then dropped the cauldron with a clang. Her eyes went wide as she stared at the people in front of her.

“Ipsy is having problem?” called a voice from the kitchens.

“Ipsy is being clumsy,” the elf called back. “Ipsy trip and drop cauldron. But Ipsy not need help. Ipsy fine.”

Ispy’s wide eyes didn’t break contact with Andromeda.

“Miss Black?” Ipsy said, her voice now much softer. “Ipsy is not expecting to see Miss Black here again.”

“Just a short visit, Ipsy. I’m helping out a friend.”

Andromeda drew back so that Ipsy could see Regulus.

“Master Regulus,” the elf squeaked, “You is alive!”

“Yes, Kreacher and I are both alive and well.”

Ipsy gave Regulus a huge smile.

“Can Ipsy be providing any assistance to Master Regulus and his friends?”

“We are just leaving now, Ipsy, out that door just past the kitchens. We’d appreciate if you didn’t mention our visit.”

“Of course, Master Regulus. Ipsy see nothing.”

The elf hauled up the cauldron and stepped back to allow them to pass. 

“Goodbye, Master Regulus. You is staying safe now.”

Regulus nodded his head to the elf as he walked by.

“You too, Ipsy, you too.”


	11. Chapter 11

XI.

Sirius couldn’t remember what it felt like to be warm. Everything about Azkaban was cold, from the bitter wind which blew through the bars of his cell to the damp straw he lay on when he slept. The stone walls and floor were cold, the metal bars of the cell doors were cold, the unappetising mush they fed him twice a day was cold. And that was even before the dementors floated through the corridors like ghastly jellyfish, sucking every last morsel of warmth and hope and happiness from his heart.

At night, when there were no human guards and the dementors had free rein, he transformed into a skinny, ragged dog and curled into the tightest possible ball to try and get some sleep. During the day, he would stay as a dog for as long as possible, but was always on alert in case he got caught. Mostly, the human guards only came twice a day, to feed the prisoners, but every now and again they visited at other times. That rarely meant good news.

He twitched one ear up now as there was a clang which signified that the door at the end of the corridor had been opened. Immediately, he transformed back and stretched out his bony limbs. It was too early for the second meal of the day, so this visit meant trouble for somebody.

“Oi, Black, on your feet.”

Right, trouble for him then.

Sirius dragged himself to his feet slowly. His arms and legs felt heavy, even though they were probably lighter than they’d ever been. He was trembling slightly and felt horribly ashamed about it.

“Don’t move.”

Sirius froze and the guard pointed a wand at the cell door, which creaked open.

“Come.”

Sirius took a hesitant step. This never happened. Usually, if the guards wanted some entertainment, they just stood at the door and flung curses in through the bars.

“Hurry up, you useless lump, before I make you.”

He moved faster and stepped outside the cell, seeing another guard who was, suspiciously, only holding a wand. Normally, if prisoners were outside the cell, they were shackled. What was going on?

The second guard gestured for him to start walking, so he started down the corridor. He kept glancing about, wondering if the situation would give him a chance to escape, but he knew that he still had two wands trained on him. After a few minutes walking through the maze of corridors, he came out in a room where two more guards waited. One sat at a desk with a huge book in front of him, the other stood. The standing guard looking him up and down, then scowled. He nodded to the seated guard, who checked his book then held his wand towards an open doorway behind him.

“Accio Sirius Black’s effects.”

A sack flew through the door to the guard’s hand. He tossed the sack to Sirius, who made a grab at it, but failed to catch it. The guards all sniggered at him.

“Alright, you, into your clothes.”

Sirius looked up at the guard who had spoken, the standing guard. He folded his arms and gave Sirius a scowl.

“Get on with it,” he snapped as Sirius hesitated.

Sirius opened the bag and pulled out the clothes he’d been arrested in, torn jeans, t-shirt, leather jacket. His socks and underwear were there too. The guards all stared at him and suddenly he didn’t care, stripping off his filthy prison uniform and pulling on his old clothes, which hadn’t seemed all that clean after a couple of nights of interrogation, but seemed pristine now.

“Right, then, Mr Black, you are free to go.”

“What?”

Sirius didn’t mean to sound so startled.

“You are free to go. There’s a couple of aurors to escort you.”

The guard pointed to another door, which swung open. Sirius glanced from the guard to the door and back to the guard, wondering if this was one of the sick games the Azkaban guards played with the prisoners. The he caught sight of a set of auror’s robes topped by a dark, shaven head.

“Shacklebolt?”

The man turned – it was indeed Kingsley Shacklebolt – then stepped back to reveal another auror.

“James?” Sirius said, feeling his voice crack slightly. Then James was almost on top of him, pulling Sirius into a tight hug.

“James,” he said again, unable to think of anything else to say, his throat choking up, eyes filling with tears, heart tight in his chest and everything just overflowing inside him.

“Sirius,” James said. “It’s over, it’s over now.”

After a few moment’s Shacklebolt interrupted them.

“Come on, let’s get out of here.”

James released Sirius from the hug and replaced it with an arm around his shoulders. With his other arm he reached into his robe and handed Sirius his wand.

“Right, let’s go.”

It wasn’t until they were on the boat and almost at the mainland before Sirius’s brain finally unfroze.

“How’s everyone? Lily? Harry? Remus?”

“Lily and Harry are great. Remus is about the same as last time you saw him, or at least he was six weeks ago. We haven’t seen him since then. Dumbledore found out about his last visit to us and… well, he put a stop to it.”

Sirius was silent for a few moments. It had been one of the things that he’d run over and over in his head, inside Azkaban, the way Remus had been the last time he’d seen him – the haunted look in his eyes, the hollow cheeks, the wounded expression when Sirius had shoved him away and he’d crashed against the door. Remus was hurting, Remus needed him, and what had Sirius done?

“But we’ve got some amazing news for you,” James said, jabbing an elbow in Sirius’s side.

Sirius just looked at him, mind still focused on Remus.

“Regulus has got out. He’s escaped the Death Eaters and is helping the Order. He can’t wait to see you.”

“Reg? He’s…”

The boat crested a particularly large wave, then slammed down, causing James to fall against Sirius.

“Sorry, mate. Yeah, Reg, he’s okay.”

Sirius felt as if he was going to choke. Regulus was safe. He’d escaped and he was safe. All the guilt that Sirius had felt over leaving him behind crashed over him, but then drained away. He tried to speak and his voice caught. He realised that he was crying. James gave his arm an awkward pat.

“I know, I know, it’s a lot.”

James waited until they were back at Ted and Andromeda’s, and had been hugged by everyone and stuffed with hot food, before he told Sirius just how Regulus had escaped the Death Eaters. Even then, he looked uncomfortable, as if he was hiding something but knew Sirius would find out anyway. He looked desperately at Lily, who just smirked, and then Andromeda, who rolled her eyes. It was left to Ted to tell Sirius that Severus Snape was both his brother’s rescuer and lover. And not only that – it was also Snape who had provided the evidence to the aurors that Pettigrew was alive and had crowed to the other Death Eaters that Sirius was locked up in Azkaban for Pettigrew’s crime.

Sirius couldn’t blame James. The Sirius that James knew – the one who had existed before those months in Azkaban – would have been horrified. He would have begun ranting about how dreadful Snape was, and probably suggested that he must have been drugging his brother with love potions, because no way would his brother look twice at a greasy git like that. Then James would have agreed with him and then Remus, had he been there, would have tried to calm him and then, once again, it would be all about Sirius. He had so many memories like that, and he’d recalled every one, over and over, in Azkaban.

It had changed him, Sirius knew. Azkaban had made him see himself as he never had before, and he didn’t like what he found. The Sirius that sat calmly in the Tonks’s living room, drinking tea and eating chocolate biscuits, was a different man – a man who wanted to be better. And so, instead of ranting and cursing and insulting the man to whom he now owed so much, Sirius asked when it might be possible to meet with Snape to thank him and apologise for the way he’d treated him in the past.

Sirius grinned at the memory of James’s face as he stood on the doorstep of the cottage, waiting for his brother to answer the door. This cottage was much nicer than the one Lily had found when they were first on the run. It was elevated, with a view of the sea and the rocky shore below. It was a little way from a decent beach and very quiet. Although there were other cottages nearby, it was too early in spring for there to be many visitors.

Regulus took his time answering the door. He’d already put Sirius off twice, saying that Snape was having a bad day and would Sirius mind awfully if he came tomorrow instead? Sirius was desperate to see his brother but, mindful of trying to be a better man and think more of others, Sirius said that of course he didn’t mind and he hoped that Snape was feeling better soon.

“Sirius, gosh, it is so good to see you.”

Regulus opened the door and immediately grabbed his brother, engulfing him in a tight hug. Sirius let out a startled puff of breath.

“Reg, bloody hell, I keep forgotting you got taller than me.”

Regulus gave a soft chuckle.

“Never got to enjoy it though,” he said, releasing Sirius from his grip and patting him on his head. “I’ll have to make up for lost time.”

Sirius realised that the image he held of his brother dated back to before he’d left Grimmaud Place to live with the Potters. He had seen Regulus since then, but their recent meetings had been brief and tense. 

Regulus pulled Sirius into the cottage and shut the door behind him. He took out his wand, locking the door and resetting the wards that he’d taken down to let Sirius in. He pointed Sirius to a chair and stood awkwardly for a moment.

“Um… Severus is awake and okay right now. I’ll get him first and then we can catch up, alright?”

Sirius nodded, stomach squirming slightly. He had asked to see Snape, and he genuinely did want to thank him and apologise. But he still felt uncomfortable at the prospect. He had no idea how he’d react and he also knew, from what Lily had told him, that Snape was in a pretty bad way. He wasn’t good around sick people. He was used to Remus, after the full moon, but Remus was… Sirius thought about it for a moment. Remus tended to minimise his illness and injuries. He would say he was fine, even if he quite clearly wasn’t, and seldom seemed to want or need help with anything. With Snape, however, Sirius had no idea what to expect.

It seemed to take Regulus a long time to return with Snape. Sirius understood, though, when they finally walked through the doorway which presumably led to the bedroom. Their bedroom, he thought – Merlin, it was going to take some time to get used to that.

Snape looked very different from when Sirius had last seen him. He was moving very slowly, as if each step pained him. He was leaning heavily on Regulus and looked as if he’d fall without him. He was bent like an old man, looking at the ground with hair in lank strands around his face. His feet shuffled like an old man as well, as if he barely had the strength to lift them.

The pair reached the couch and Regulus lowered Snape down. He immediately began fussing, rearranging cushions behind him and placing a blanket over his knees which he tucked in around his legs and feet. Then he sat down beside him and took his hand. The hand that Regulus took, Sirius noticed, had hung limply at Snape’s side as he walked. He was pretty sure it was paralysed.

Sirius sat in silence for a moment. It was partly the shock of seeing him look that ill, partly that he hadn’t really thought about what he would say. For a start, what should he call him? “Snivellus” was out, obviously. “Snape” seemed rather cold when he owed the man so much, but “Severus” was a bloody awful name. Not even the Black family, which had spawned such delights as Walburga, Alphard and Lucretia, had ever called a child “Severus”. Lily had always called him “Sev”, but Sirius was pretty sure that Snape wouldn’t appreciate that, at least not from him.

“Snape,” he said, finally, decided it was the safest option.

Snape lifted his head briefly, made eye contact, then dropped his head back down, forehead resting in his good hand, elbow resting on his knee. He looked as if even sitting upright was too much for him.

“Snape… I want to…”

Sirius really had no idea what to say, and his words came to a halting stop. He was sure that Snape was sneering at him, but it was hard to tell with his face buried in his hand and with his long hair hanging in the way. Sirius stood and walked over to him, then sat beside him on the sofa. That still didn’t help, so Sirius slid down and crouched on the floor beside him. It seemed wrong to apologise to the top of his head. He needed Snape to see he really was sincere.

“Black, were planning on apologising or proposing?” Snape said, which drew a sharp bark of laughter from Regulus.

“I’m glad to see your acid tongue is still very much intact, Snape.” Sirius replied, more comfortable with sharp comebacks than apologies. “If you’re looking for a proposal, I must disappoint you. All I’ve brought is my apologies and thanks.”

“Well, let’s see them, then.”

Sirius squirmed under Snape’s gaze, but he knew he deserved it.

“Snape, at school, the way that I treated you… I know that it wasn’t right. I bullied you, James and Peter and I bullied you. We dismissed it as pranking, but it was bullying, it wasn’t right, and I’m sorry.”

Sirius swallowed, and felt colour rise in his cheeks. Snape was just staring at him.

“And, I know the worst thing was the time I… you know, the Shrieking Shack…”

Sirius glanced at his brother. Apologising was one thing, but telling Remus’s secret was another.

“He knows, Black. I know Dumbledore said I… said I mustn’t say anything, ever, but we were discussing who the traitor could be. Based on the evidence we had, it was unlikely to be a werewolf.”

“Oh.”

The thought of Snape and Regulus discussing Remus, trying to work out if he was the traitor, made him feel slightly ill.

“We discussed you too. Reg knew you you weren’t the traitor because you’re a terrible liar and useless at keeping secrets.”

Sirius glared at Regulus, who looked rather embarrassed, for a few moments, before letting him off the hook.

“He knows me too well, I am a terrible liar. So you’ll know I mean it when I say I’m sorry I sent you to the shack, and for what you went through. It was a horrible thing to do. All of it was. I’m ashamed of myself for it.”

Severus nodded. He didn’t look happy, but he didn’t appear openly hostile either. Sirius thought that probably meant his apology had been accepted.

“Also, although telling um… You-know-who about the prophesy was a terrible thing to do, I am glad you wrote to Lily so they could escape. From that letter, they knew that Pettigrew was the traitor. I don’t like to think…”

Sirius shook his head, trying not to follow the path his mind had taken him down hundreds of times when he was in Azkaban. What would have happened if Snape hadn’t written the letter? Would James, Lily and Harry have surivied? What if Lily hadn’t believed him? What if they were too late leaving the house and Voldemort got to them before they could escape.

“Well,” Sirius continued, “Things could have turned out very much worse than they did. So thank you.”

There was the faintest nod of acknowledgement from Snape. Taking a deep breath, Sirius readied himself to complete what felt like a marathon of apologies and gratitude.

“And… um… thanks for telling the aurors about Peter. That he was still alive, and that it was him… Kingsley said you told him that he’d boasted about me being locked up for killing all those muggles when it was him. Kingsley said they made you take Veritaserum to confirm it was true, so… well that must have been hard. Veritaserum’s… not pleasant. I’d still be locked up if it wasn’t for you.”

Sirius sighed with relief and glanced across at his brother. Regulus smiled at him, then looked down at Severus.

“Sev, love, how are you doing?”

Regulus had one hand resting on Snape’s back. He moved it slightly, rubbing up and down, but didn’t say anything more, waiting for Snape to respond.

“Black… your apology is… accepted.”

The words, when they finally came, were forced through gritted teeth and Snape didn’t even look at him. For a moment, Sirius felt anger rising inside. After everything Sirius had said, was that all Snape could offer in response?

But then he realised that the strain in Snape’s voice had nothing to do with Sirius. Snape’s jaw was clenched tight, his face drawn in a grimace of pain.

“Snape? Are you alright?”

“Sev?”

Regulus was leaning in close, his face concerned.

“Sev, are you okay?”

“I… Head hurts. Think I need…to go back to bed.”

“Should I get the headache potion?”

“I hate it.”

“I know, love. But you’ll feel worse without it.”

Regulus pulled out his wand and summoned a small bottle and then a teaspoon into his hand. He poured a small measure of a potion into the spoon and offered it to Snape, who swallowed it with an expression of disgust.

“Back to bed, love?”

He helped Snape to his feet, then supported him as he shuffled slowly away from Sirius.

“Should I go?” Sirius said.

“No, I’ll be back in a bit,” Regulus said, glancing back at Sirius. “Help yourself to tea or something.”

By the time Regulus returned, Sirius had finished his tea, as well as the half-eaten packet of chocolate biscuits he had found in the cupboard.

“I see you made yourself at home.”

Regulus walked back in the room as Sirius held the empty packet, feeling guilty.

“Sorry. I… think I’ve got a problem with chocolate. I just can’t stop…”

“Understandable, after months with the dementors.”

Sirius frowned. He hadn’t thought of that

“Actually, yes. You’re right.”

Regulus took the packet from him and vanished it.

“We have more, if you want them.”

“Not now, I’m okay.”

They sat back down and looked awkwardly at each other.

“So… Snape doesn’t look well.”

“Yeah,” Regulus sighed. “He’s been through a lot. He is doing better, though. He’s able to move about a bit more. Not in as much pain or as often.”

“So how are you doing? You’re just here on your own looking after him. That must be hard.”

“It’s not so bad. I don’t mind. And Kreacher helps sometimes, when he’s not helping with Harry.”

“Kreacher. Helping with Harry?”

Sirius recoiled at the nasty little house elf anywhere near his Godson.

“Yeah, Harry adores him. You know Kreacher looked after us when we were babies?”

“I didn’t know that. Really?”

“We talked a lot, Kreacher and I. We were in hiding in Cokeworth and there wasn’t much to do. Kreacher talked about when we were kids. He looked after you and then he looked after me. Not surprising, I suppose. Hard to imagine Mother being maternal.”

Sirius made a face and Regulus gave him a half-smile of acknowledgement.

“Kreacher said you were horribly jealous when I came along, but if you did anything nasty to me, then Mother or Father would lay into you. But if you went for Kreacher… well, they encouraged that.”

“Oh.”

Now he thought about it, that actually made sense. He certainly remembered that his parents both approved when he did something nasty to Kreacher, whether it was tripping him as he walked past, using various hexes and curses he’d picked up at school – the protections on Grimmaud Place had made quite sure the Ministry knew nothing – or even simply insulting him. This was memorable, because Sirius didn’t do much that they approved of.

Sirius felt ill thinking about it. His parents had called these acts of bullying and violence “pranks”. And after years of being praised for mistreating Kreacher, Sirius had gone to Hogwarts and started doing these so-called “pranks” on other children. On Snape.

“I don’t suppose Kreacher would accept an apology from me. I know he hates me, but…”

“He doesn’t hate you, Sirius. I think… I think he’d love an apology. I think it would mean a lot to him.”

Regulus beamed at him and, even though Sirius could still feel the weight of his guilt – guilt for how he had treated Snape and Kreacher, guilt for abandoning his brother when he’d fled to the Potters, guilt for the multitude of times he’d failed Remus – somehow the burden felt lighter. He had his brother back, and it felt amazing.

“I’ve missed you, Reg, you know. It’s so good to see you and… well, see you’re okay. That you survived. I felt so bad leaving you and… well, I’m so grateful you got out now.”

“You can’t blame yourself for leaving me. I understand why you had to go.”

Sirius shook his head. Regulus had never understood. He’d been furious at his brother. When they’d seen each other again at school, Regulus had been absolutely hateful. He’d called Sirius a coward and a traitor. He’d looked at Sirius as if he was disgusted in him.

“I know it might not have seemed like it at the time,” Regulus continued, as he walked across the room to sit beside his brother and wrap an arm around his shoulders, “but I admired what you did. I thought you were so brave. But I was so jealous. I couldn’t believe that I’d ever feel like that about someone. I never thought I’d be lovable.”

“Reg…”

Sirius felt his voice choke in his throat. He thought of the look on his brother’s face when Sirius had told his parents that he was in love and he was not going to stop seeing Remus. She hadn’t been bothered to hear that he was involved with another boy – it was common among young male purebloods, since touching a pureblood girl before marriage was likely to result in being cursed by her parents and fathering a child with a half-blood or muggleborn created no end of inheritance problems. What was not acceptable was declaring himself to be in love with Remus. He could fuck his way through all the boys in Gryffindor House, his father said – he’d always had a foul mouth when angry – but he would be marrying the girl his parents chose. Sirius had said he was fucking nobody but Remus, thank you very much, and his mother had let fly with the curses.

Regulus hugged him and Sirius felt something shatter inside. Suddenly he was crying in his brother’s arms and then Regulus was crying and Sirius felt all the barriers crumble inside him and it was as if they were children again. They’d been so close when they were young, clinging to each other when their mother had one of her rages, plotting together to steal treats from the kitchen and sneaking into each others’ beds at night when they had nightmares.

“Merlin, I’ve missed you so much, Reg. I can’t believe we let things drive us apart,” Sirius said, when they’d both calmed down.

“Yeah, I know, Regulus replied. His eyes were red and a bit puffy, but his face still looked happy.

The sat and talked for ages after that, a couple of hours at least, before Regulus got up to make more tea.

“Do you want more biscuits?”

“Hell, yes, of course I do.”

Regulus rolled his eyes and turned back to the cups and kettle. From the other side of the room, a movement caught Sirius’s eye. He turned and saw Snape standing in the doorway. He was leaning heavily on the door frame, as if he was afriad of falling. He looked panicked - his face was tear-streaked and his breath coming in short gasps. His eyes were fixed on Regulus, who hadn’t noticed Snape there at all.

“Reg,” Sirius said in a quiet voice. When his brother turned to look at him, Sirius moved his eyes over to Snape and Regulus followed.

“Sev!”

Regulus was beside him in a moment, supporting him with strong arms as Snape’s legs buckled. Sirius heard what sounded like a choked sob as Regulus half-carried Snape towards the sofa. Instead of sitting him down, Regulus sat down himself and pulled him into his lap, as if he was a child. Snape was sobbing openly now, face buried in Regulus’s neck, while Regulus stroked his hair and rocked him.

Sirius stood, looking uncomfortably from his brother to the door.

“Should I go?” he asked, the words mouthed rather than spoken.

Regulus shook his head.

“Won’t be long,” he mouthed back.

Sirius walked over to the window and looked out at the view. He was certain that Snape would be mortified that he was witnessing such a display, and the least he could do was look away. Still, he could hear the crying and Regulus’s indistinct words of comfort. He didn’t turn back until there was silence.

Snape was still held on Regulus’s lap, but his breathing was slow and even now.

“Is he alright?”

“He’s asleep now. I’ll just lie him down on the sofa and he’ll probably stay asleep for another couple of hours.”

“Are you sure you don’t want me to go?”

“I’m sure. He’ll be upset if you leave because of him. He knows I’ve been wanting to see you and he’s already upset I had to put you off a couple of times.”

Sirius shifted from one foot to another for a few moments, still half-feeling like he wanted to run out of the door. If he was honest with himself, it was partly because displays of emotion made him uncomfortable. If someone was upset and needed comforting, he’d leave that to somebody else. Remus was always good at that, and Lily too. Sirius wasn’t surprised that Regulus was as well, in fact Sirius could remember his brother comforting him, even though Regulus was younger and Sirius was supposed to look after him, not the other way around.

Sirius walked across to the bench and finishing making the tea that Regulus had started. He ate a couple of biscuits to get him through the awkwardness while Regulus lay Snape down on the sofa and covered him with a blanket, then took the packet over to offer Regulus one. He set his brother’s tea down on a low table and took his own tea and the remaining biscuits back to his seat.

“Is this what a bad day is like?”

“This is okay. He just had a nightmare and then got anxious because I wasn’t there when he woke.”

Regulus took a bite of his biscuit. He had sat himself down on the floor and was alternating his biscuit and tea with one hand while the other absently stroked Snape’s hair. Sirius had the feeling he wasn’t even aware he was doing it.

“You’re very patient,” he said. “If this isn’t a bad day…”

“I really don’t mind. It’s hard for him, because there’s so much he can’t do and we don’t know how much he will recover. But I’m okay.”

“I just… I don’t know how you do it. I’m so useless when someone’s ill or upset. If something like this happened to Remus, I’d… I… I don’t know what I’d do.”

Regulus gave Sirius a hard stare.

“You’d cope. If you had to, you would.”

Sirius shook his head.

“I don’t know. When he’s upset, I just freak out. It’s… I can’t really explain, I just feel really angry. Most of the time I end up with him comforting me. I know it’s wrong, but I can’t seem to help it. And… I know he’s having a horrible time right now, with Greyback’s pack, but the last time I saw him, I just ended up making everything worse. I was so angry over what Pettigrew did, I wanted to go after him and Remus tried to stop me. I was… I pushed him so he fell against a glass door and broke it, then I… well, I did go after Pettigrew and that just ended up with me getting arrested and sent to Azkaban.”

Regulus was silent for a moment. Sirius supposed that there wasn’t much for him to say. He couldn’t very well deny that there was a problem in how Sirius had acted. He was probably horrified. Regulus would never have done something like that.

“You know, Kreacher said that when we were young, when mother got… well, how she did… I’d start crying and you’d get angry. You’d try and protect me. He said that’s how he knew you were good, deep down, even though you… you weren’t so nice to him.”

“I wasn’t _not so nice_ , I was horrible to him. And he hated me.”

“He didn’t hate you. He knew you were just copying Mother and Father and he didn’t blame you, not when you were a child. But he was scared of you. He told me recently that he was scared you’d turn on me one day as well.”

Sirius dropped his head forward in shame.

“I can’t believe he doesn’t hate me. He should. I… I’m disgusted at myself. Not just for what I did to Kreacher, but Snape too, and others. And I’ve been such a terrible boyfriend to Remus. He’s so good and kind, and I’ve been so selfish. I… I just…”

“Siri, Siri, don’t say that.”

He heard Regulus’s voice close beside him, then felt his arm around his shoulders. Then he was even more ashamed. Here he was again, with his younger brother comforting him, even calling him the old childhood nickname which had started when Regulus couldn’t pronounce Sirius properly – it had sounded more like Siwi when he was very small.

“I’m sorry. You shouldn’t have to be comforting me. Even when we were young – I’m your big brother, you shouldn’t have needed to look after me.”

“Siri! Now you’re being ridiculous. There’s what? Just over a year between us? And you were always the one protecting me. You got the worst of Mother – you were always the brave one and you suffered for it. I was such a coward.”

“Reggie, no…”

“I was. I am. You’re not the only one whose mistakes hurt people. Mine got one of my school friends killed.”

“What? When? I don’t remember anyone dying.”

“Well, not _at_ school. It was when we were… you know…”

He glanced at his arm. He was wearing long sleeves, but Sirius knew what the sleeve covered.

“And then, if I wasn’t such a coward, I would never have joined… You-know-who in the first place. I’d have done what you did, and got out. You were always the better one…”

“No, no, Reggie. _You_ were the better one. You were… you…”

Sirius paused, looking at his brother and perhaps really _seeing_ him for the first time.

“You thought… you thought I was the good one, didn’t you, Reggie? You thought I was the good one and you were the bad one.”

Regulus nodded. He was biting his lip and looking ashamed.

“Reg. You know I thought you were the good one and I was the bad one?”

“No… Really?”

“Yes, yes I did. You were always so obedient and did everything right, and I couldn’t stay out of trouble. I thought… well that’s why I thought you were good and I was bad.”

Regulus stared at Sirius wide-eyed as the realisation dawned.

“Oh, oh no. That was Mother, wasn’t it? She… she played us off, didn’t she?”

Sirius nodded.

“Yes she did, bloody evil bitch. But we’re here now, Reggie.”

“Yeah. We’re here.”

They held each other in a long, silent hug, before Regulus pulled away.

“You know, I’ve talked a bit to Ted.”

Sirius nodded and waited for his brother, who seemed to be mulling something over.

“It’s funny, but he’s really good to talk to. I think… well I think Andromeda’s family must have been pretty screwed up as well. He seems to get it. He listens then keeps telling me that it’s not my fault.”

Sirius nodded in agreement, hoping his face didn’t betray that he was now regretting eating so many biscuits. His brother’s comment had made him feel ill. Around the time he’d finished school, his Uncle Alphard had got in touch, and Sirius had got to know him quite well. His uncle, who drank heavily, had alluded to his brother’s depravity on more than one occasion. Sirius had never asked him to elaborate, but Alphard’s comment that it was unfortunate that such a man should have three daughters had left Sirius with little doubt about what he meant.

“I think….” Sirius said. “Well, Uncle Al really hated Uncle Cygnus. I got the impression… he wasn’t a nice man. Almost made me appreciate Father.”

Regulus gave Sirius a calculating look, but didn’t press him. Sirius was relieved, and he was quite sure that Regulus realised that. It seemed that neither of them wanted to pick at the festering sore that was the Black family.

“Ted’s father is some sort of muggle healer, for minds. And his mother does something with kids who get into trouble. Not quite sure what. So I think he knows stuff about that. Anyway, you should talk to him. Maybe he can help. I don’t know, maybe the reason you get angry with Remus is because of what happened when we were kids.”

“Probably. But how does that help?”

“I’m not sure. It seems to though. Ted’s really nice. If he could help, or something, maybe it would be easier with Remus.”

Sirius glanced over at the couch where Snape was still asleep, looking much calmer now that he was unconscious.

“Maybe,” he said.

Sirius wasn’t really convinced. He really didn’t get how talking to his cousin’s husband – talking to anyone, really – would help. But he knew he would try. He had to do something. He had to find a way to be a better man.


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sirius, James and Lily are summoned to the Kielder forest.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so this chapter starts out fluffy, but it gets very nasty before too long. Pretty much all the warning tags apply, in particular, it discusses (not graphically) the rape of a child.

The first message didn’t prompt too much alarm.

It came on a peaceful afternoon, when the sun was shining and they were all trying to forget the war. It had been a rough few weeks, with the Death Eaters making increasingly blatant attacks, one of which resulted in the loss of both Sturgis Podmore and Mundungus Fletcher. James and Sirius were often out on Order missions for days at a time. Lily and Regulus were also being called on to help with shorter missions, while Ted and Andromeda were frequently responding to requests for help from Kingsley and other aurors.

A fine day when none of them had been called out was a rare treat. Lily had bundled Harry up to keep him from freezing, and they’d walked along the coast with Harry in his pushchair. They’d brought Ted and Andromeda’s daughter Nymphadora with them – she was running ahead and throwing sticks for dog-Sirius with surprising skill for a girl who was so clumsy she sometimes tripped over her own feet. When Nymphadora got bored and Harry started grizzling, they’d stopped by the cottage where Regulus and Severus were staying.

They hadn’t intended to spent long there – even on a good day Severus had a limited ability to cope with a hyperactive nine-year-old and a grumpy toddler. However Regulus had invited them, telling them that Severus had baked a cake and that someone had to help them eat it otherwise they’d both be the size of an erumpent. What he’d neglected to mention was that he expected them to eat the entire cake before they left.

Dumbledore’s patronus appeared with a message for James just when Lily was refusing her third slice of cake and struggling to remove brown smears of icing from Harry’s hair.

“I need you to come to the Kielder Forest. Bring Sirius and Lily. There are some troubling developments in our operation there.”

James and Lily both turned straight to Sirius, who had stopped in the middle of eating his fourth slice of cake and was staring at the silvery bird in horror.

“Remus. Something’s happened to him. What is it? What’s happened to Remus?”

The bird vanished, leaving Sirius staring at the wall.

“We don’t know it’s about Remus,” Lily said. “It must be to do with Greyback’s pack if it’s Kielder, but that doesn’t mean anything’s happened to Remus.”

“Why else would he call us there?”

“Sirius, he wouldn’t call us there if it was about Remus. You know how paranoid Dumbledore is about blowing his cover.”

“Lily’s right, mate,” James said. “We are the last ones he’d call if it was about Remus.”

Sirius looked from James to Lily, then his brother, who gave Sirius a look that Lily couldn’t read.

“I… yeah… you could be right” he said, then sat down and gave a long sigh. He looked down at the cake in his hands then took another bite.

Lily didn’t normally have much sympathy for Sirius. She’d disliked him at their first meeting and in the following few years he’d done nothing to change her first impression. As she’d run out of patience with Severus and got to know James’s better side, her opinion of Sirius had thawed slightly, but she still considered him to be a thoughtless attention-seeker.

But the Sirius who had returned from Azkaban wasn’t the same person. She’d known that the moment that he’d heard that it was Severus who had saved Regulus and provided the evidence which got Sirius released from prison. Instead of leaping to his feet and ranting about how much he hated Severus, he’d nodded thoughtfully and said that he wanted to thank him.

Lily didn’t think that Sirius and Severus actually liked each other, but they certainly tolerated each other for the sake of Regulus. Sirius was a frequent visitor, always returning with some of the Severus’s latest baking experiments. The first efforts had not been particuarly edible – Ted’s mother, who was teaching Severus, gave him basic directions and then let him do as much as possible himself. But Sirius would eat just about anything as long as it had chocolate in it.

Ted’s patronus turned up minutes after Dumbledore’s.

“Sirius, I’ve had a message from Kingsley. He wants us to come up and meet him at the Kielder Forest village. Now-ish.”

This time, Sirius did panic. He was on his feet, dropping his cake to the floor and yelling, 

“See. I TOLD you. Something’s happened to Remus. We have to go. NOW. We–“

“Siri.”

Regulus voice was quiet but firm as he stood in front of his brother, putting his hands on his shoulders.

“Siri, you can’t shout in here. Come on, deep breath.”

Sirius looked chastened and looked across to Severus, who was now curled up tightly on the sofa, arms protecting his head.

“Oh, oh shit, I’m sorry.”

“Shit,” Dora giggled. “He said shit.”

Sirius dropped his face into his hand.

“Alright then, let’s go. James, get Harry’s pushchair. ”

Lily stood, scooping up Harry, checking for randomly scattered toys.

“Dora, we will drop you home. You can help your Mum look after Harry.”

Dora nodded with a big grin. She picked up a toy car which had found its way to the far side of the room and put it into the pushchair.

“Alright, are we ready?”

Lily looked around the room. Everyone was set, but Regulus was engaged in an urgent conversation with Severus.

“Regulus, we are leaving.”

“Go, Reg,” Severus said quietly, giving Regulus a shove on his shoulder.

“No, Sev, I’m not leaving you here on your own.”

Lily couldn’t quite catch what Severus said next, but Regulus turned to look at Sirius.

“Yeah, I know” Regulus said, turning back to Severus. “If I go, will you come to Ted and Andromeda’s?”

Severus nodded and stood. Sirius looked at his brother and then Severus, then gave a nod.

“Thank you, Snape,” he said, before they prepared for the apparation to Ted and Andromeda’s house.

The fine weather they had enjoyed on the Lancashire coast did not extend as far as Northumberland. Backed up against towering trees, and under a heavy, grey sky, the forest village that Greyback had taken over looked dismal. Everything was damp with drizzle. The village itself was little more than a row of stone terrace houses with a larger building, evidently the village pub, at one end. Everything looked unkempt, with long grass and abandoned cars lining the street. As they walked down towards the pub, where there was an obvious congregation of people, Lily felt as if she was being watched. When she looked up, she saw faces looking out of the upstairs windows, watching them as they made their way through the village.

Kingsley spotted them first and broke away from the milling group.

“You brought quite the contingent,” he said to Ted, glancing fron Ted, to Sirius, to Regulus and finally to Lily and James. “We can probably use you, though. This whole thing’s a mess and nobody’s talking. They might respond better to you than to aurors in uniform.”

“What’s happened?” Ted asked.

“We detected some major magical activity. Not the kind of thing normally picked up here. Not prohibited curses or dark magic as such, but dangerous, uncontrolled outbursts. A few of us came to check it out and there was a brawl of some kind going on. They all scattered and holed up in the houses or pub, leaving seven bodies behind.”

“Bodies?” Sirius said, his voice faint.

“It’s not Remus,” Dumbledore said, appearing beside them.

Kingsley glanced across at Dumbledore before speaking.

“Er… yes, apparently Remus has been up here on behalf of the Order. And he’s a…”

He didn’t finish his phrase, but they got his meaning. He was looking closely at them, probably evaluating whether they’d known.

Ted gave a nod.

“How long?” Kingsley asked.

Ted looked at Sirius.

“Since he was four,” Sirius said.

Kingsley raised his eyebrows slightly and swore under his breath, but didn’t look either horrified or disgusted. That was more than Lily could say for the other aurors around. There were a few of them standing around or talking to people of various ages that Lily assumed were werewolves who lived in the village. Two healers were treated the injured. The werewolves looked ragged and exhausted, and the aurors and healers looked at them as if they were vermin.

“Where is he?” Sirius asked.

“Ah...” said Dumbledore, and he and Kingsley looked at each other. “He’s… over there. He’s not really wanting to talk, it seems.”

Dumbledore gestured to an area to the side of the pub. There were a couple of aurors supervising what looked to be blankets on the ground. Bodies, Lily realised.

Sirius began walking over, followed by Regulus. Lily and the others trailed a little behind. As they got closer, Lily could see Remus up against the wall of the pub. He was on the ground, back to the wall, long legs tucked in front of him. He was covered in blood.

Sirius dashed up, then stopped as if he’d hit a wall. He lifted his hand and reached towards Remus, then pulled his hand back sharply, as if he’d been burned.

“Moony,” he said. “It’s me. It’s Sirius.”

He moved forwards, just slightly. Remus flinched, and Lily felt it this time, a crackle of magic which made them all take a step back.

“Moony!” Sirius said, his voice more urgent.

Regulus stepped close to his brother and put a hand on his arm. Sirius turned to him, then took a visible breath before turning back to Remus.

“Moony, how are you doing?” he said, his voice slower and lower.

Remus didn’t respond. Lily watched as Sirius again turned to his brother. Regulus nodded his encouragement and leaned in to whisper to Sirius. Then Sirius turned back to Remus and spoke again.

“Looks like you’ve had a rough time, love.”

He paused then crouched down.

“How about you let me come and look at you, see what’s happened. There’s a couple of healers here.”

There was a blank look in Remus’s eyes. He was staring at the ground in front of him, and his eyes didn’t move when Sirius spoke. Now that she was a little closer, Lily could see that some of the blood on his face came from a gash on his forehead and his nose, which was swollen and slightly crooked. There was blood through his hair, through his straggly beard, all over his clothes, on his hands. She doubted that his injuries had contributed all of it. He couldn’t have lost that much blood and still been conscious. Some of it must have come from someone else.

“Lily, James,” Ted said, appearing beside her, “Dumbledore was wondering if you might assist the aurors. They are questioning the werewolves and thought some of them might respond better to a woman. Not many female aurors, they’ve only got one up here.”

If Regulus hadn’t been there, Lily wouldn’t have agreed to help the aurors. She didn’t trust Sirius to not make everything worse. Whatever had gone on, Remus was in a bad way, and clearly needed someone who could be sensitive and patient. Those were not words she would apply to Sirius. But she trusted Regulus to keep his brother in line.

She and James turned and followed Ted over to where Kingsley and another auror she didn’t know were leading a group of werewolves out of the house nearest to the pub. Most of them looked young and scared, the eldest of the group could barely have been twenty. They straggled out of the house with another couple of aurors behind them, then stood, bunched tightly, watching the aururs suspiciously.

The aurors began separating them, speaking to each one in turn. Kingsley motioned to Lily to join him as he spoke to a young woman, while James joined another auror, a man he greeted as “John”.

“My name’s Kingsley, and this is Lily,” Kingsley said, as the woman stared sullenly at him. “And what’s your name?”

She looked back at him as if she didn’t plan to answer, before finally opening her mouth.

“Karen… Karen Simpson.”

“It’s nice to meet you, Karen.”

Karen didn’t look like she agreed.

“So… Karen, did you see anything of what happened here?”

She shook her head.

“No. Was inside.”

“You didn’t hear the noise and look out a window, even?”

“No. Didn’t hear no noise.”

“Ahhh, alright. What about the… ones who are dead?”

Kingsley turned to where the bodies were covered with blankets. Karen shrugged.

“You don’t know who they are?”

“Lot of people here. Don’t know everyone.”

“How do you know you don’t know them? If you didn’t see anything, how do you know?”

She shrugged again.

“Right… Karen… it seems as if you are lying to me.”

She shook her head.

“I’m not lying. I don’t know nothing.”

Kingsley turned to Lily with a shrug which suggested he’d run out of ideas. Lily thought that was unlikely, but most of the standard auror interrogation techniques were more suited to dark wizards than scared teenagers. Perhaps he thought a kinder approach would help.

“Karen,” she said, “I know you don’t want to get into trouble–“

“I don’t want no trouble,” the girl said quickly, looking alarmed.

Lily sighed. She hadn’t meant it to be a threat.

“I know you don’t want to get anyone else into trouble either.”

Karen shook her head.

“How about you don’t tell us any names, but you just tell us about what happened?”

She shook her head again.

“I saw nothing. I was inside. I didn’t hear nothing or see nothing.”

Karen was starting to get agitated and Lily glanced at Kingsley, hoping he’d end what was clearly a pointless conversation.

“Alright, Karen,” he said. “Maybe someone else saw something. Is there anyone in particular I should talk to?”

“No. Nobody saw nothing.”

“Right. You know that for certain, do you?”

She folded her arms and scowled at him, so he told her she could go and she scuttled back to the house. Kingsley sighed and moved closer to Lily.

“Did you notice her hands?”

“What?”

“Her fingernails, there was something under them. Could have been dirt, but looked more like blood to me.”

“Surely… are you sure?”

“I’m pretty sure. Did you see?”

Lily shook her head.

“She seemed… well I can’t say she seemed innocent, but she didn’t strike me as dangerous.”

“Yeah, there’s something off here. All the dead are male, big men too, mainly older. Only a couple of them younger. We think one of the dead is Greyback. My gut feeling is that this was some kind of coup. Anyway, let’s try talking to another one. You can talk to them this time, if you like.”

Kingsley brought another young woman over and this time Lily asked the questions. She had no more luck than Kingsley, but did pay closer attention to her hands. There was a definite brown stain under the fingernails, as well as at the base of the nails.

“What do you think?” Kingsley asked.

“I think you’re right about the blood. Did you want to get some sort of sample?”

Kingsley shook his head.

“This might sound crazy, but I’m reluctant to start collecting evidence until I have a better idea what’s happened.”

“Isn’t that the point of collecting evidence?”

“Call it a hunch. I’ve got a feeling that the dead may not be all that great a loss, not if it’s Greyback and his lieutenants. If this was an uprising…”

Lily realised that Kingsley had a point. She knew from Remus that a lot of werewolves, especially the younger ones, had effectively been kidnapped by Greyback.

“So shall we keep trying with the questioning? If you’re right, they may all just deny everything.”

“I think it’s worth trying. If we come across as reasonable, then maybe one of them will decide to talk to us later, even if they won’t now.”

They questioned another four young werewolves, including one no older than seven. The only one who gave them anything was a girl of about sixteen who was visibly pregnant. She’d been as reticent as the others, but when asked about the father of her child, she’d glanced across to where the bodies were. Kingsley looked grim as she followed the same pattern as the others, running back to the house when they finished questioning her.

“What do you think, Lily?”

“I’m sure they are lying to us – they definitely know something. And that girl, when I asked about the father of her baby… did you get the feeling it could have been one of the dead men?”

“That’s what I think. But I don’t think she was upset he was dead. I thought she looked relieved.”

“You think…”

Lily was reluctant to voice her thoughts.

“I don’t think she was willing, if that’s what you mean. I think it’s possible that one or more of the older werewolves here, perhaps Greyback himself, were taking advantage of their position, and that someone – well, more than one, obviously – put a stop to it. I’m not certain yet, but…”

Kingsley paused and looked over to where Remus, Sirius and Regulus were.

“That’s why I want to hear from Remus. I think he would tell us what’s been going on here.”

“Wouldn’t he have told Dumbledore already?”

“It depends. I’ve seen information that Dumbledore has shared with some Ministry contacts, such as Alastor Moody. It’s very specific, about the link between Greyback and the Death Eaters. Dumbledore didn’t mention anything like that.”

“I doubt he’d consider it important,” a scornful voice interrupted. “Remus’s mission was to investigate the link between Greyback and You-know-who, wasn’t it? Not to investigate this kind of thing.”

Lily jumped as Ted spoke behind her. She’d been so focused on the conversation with Kingsley, she hadn’t heard him approach.

“But that’s…”

Lily paused. She found it hard to believe that Dumbledore would be so callous. But then she remembered how awful Remus had been looking, and how hard it must have been for Remus to face Greyback, when he was the one who had turned him.

“You don’t like him much, do you?” she said. “What has he done?”

Ted sighed.

“It’s not anything he’s done… It’s more what he hasn’t done.”

Lily waited, looking at Ted. Kingsley was watching closely too. Finally Ted spoke again.

“Do you really think Dumbledore had no idea about you friend Severus’s home life when you were at Hogwarts?”

That made Lily think. Severus had been so secretive, he would never have confided in any of the Hogwarts staff. He’d barely confided in Lily. When it became clear that something was not right, he told her his parents were “fighting”, and it had taken her some time to realise that it was a lot more than that.

Severus had been adept at hiding the truth from her, but should his teachers have known? Hogwarts wasn’t a day school, where he’d arrive in the morning with fresh bruises from the evening’s row. But, looking back, there had been signs, and plenty of them. As an adult, as a parent, Lily found it hard to believe that Dumbledore and Slughorn, especially, hasn’t noticed.

“Well, no, I see your point. But…?”

This wasn’t about Severus, Lily knew. She wondered what else Dumbledore had ignored, what it was that made Ted so adamant. But she could see from his face that she wouldn’t get an answer.

“I should check how Sirius is getting on with Remus.”

“Go on,” Kingsley said, “We can do without you for a bit. I think it’s fair to say that we are expecting that all the other werewolves are going to tell us the same thing anyway.”

Lily walked over, past the watching aurors, past the bodies covered with their blankets, to where Remus still huddled against the wall. Sirius and Regulus were both sitting now, backs against the wall, with Sirius closest to Remus and Regulus on the other side. Sirius was still about a metre away from Remus.

“… I think there was about a third of it left when we got the message to come here. There’s no way Snape, Dora and Andromeda have finished it, so there will definitely be a piece of for you, Moony.”

Lily gave a small smile. Sirius was telling Remus about Severus’s cake.

“By the time we get back, I reckon Dora will have talked Snape into making some monstrosity of a cake for her birthday. She’s turning ten in a month. What do you reckon, Regulus?”

“Yeah, it’ll be pink sparkles with about ten layers, I think, covered in prancing unicorns or something. Severus will grumble and complain, but he’ll be pleased really.”

“You hear that, Moony? Pink, sparkly unicorns. Can’t you just see Snape loving that?”

Sirius gave a rather forced chuckle, then fell silent again. He turned again to Regulus, who leaned over to say something softly to him. Sirius nodded and turned back to Remus.

As she watched, Lily felt something lightly touch her hand. She turned quickly, and saw the boy that she and Kingsley had questioned flinching away. He was only about seven and looked skinny and scared.

“It’s Simon, isn’t it?” she said, crouching down so she looked less intimidating to the boy.

He hesitated, frowning, for a moment before he spoke.

“Sonny,” he said. “People call me Sonny because there’s another Simon and he’s older than me.”

Lily nodded and smiled at him, hoping that would encourage him to talk, but he didn’t say any more.

“Did you want to talk to me about something, Sonny?”

The boy’s eyes flicked over to where Remus was.

“Is he going to be okay?”

That was a tricky question. She wavered between wanting to reassure the boy and being honest.

“I… I’m sure he’ll be fine, but he does need to see a healer, and he doesn’t want to right now.”

That was as close to the truth as she wanted to say to a frightened child.

“It’s my fault he’s hurt.”

“What? No… no, Sonny.”

The boy nodded, eyes wide and starting to fill with tears. Lily reached out and took his hand.

“Do you want to tell me what happened, love?”

Sonny shook his head, pressing his lips together. Lily waited as the shake turned to a nod.

“He was… Greyback was…doing stuff and Remus came in and he… he was angry and he… they… there was blood and then… outside… there was everyone… all fighting and screaming and blood everywhere and… and it’s my fault.”

He was gasping for air betweens words, hyperventilating, panicked.

“Sonny, wait, slow down.”

She held tight to his hand, then suddenly he was in her arms, crying.

“Oh, sweetheart, it’s alright.”

“I was so… so scared,” he sobbed, clinging to her.

She held the boy, feeling his ribs and lumpy vertebrae under her hands as she rubbed his back. Everything about him seemed neglected, from his unbrushed, dirty hair, to his ragged, cast-off clothes, to his grubby hands and feet. He had no shoes and she could see that his feet were calloused from running around barefoot, with untrimmed and broken toenails. Children outgrew shoes fast, she knew, thinking of the frequency that they’d had to recharm Harry’s tiny shoes to fit. Seeing the boy’s neglected feet also made her remember the time her mother had decided to Severus shopping for new shoes. He had been mortified when the lady at the shop had made him take his old shoes and socks off to reveal toes which were all squashed and twisted.

Sonny calmed down after a few minutes, but seemed reluctant to leave her arms, so she kept holding on to him as she tried asking him what had happened again. She pulled away so she could see his face, but kept one arm around his shoulders and, with her other, she held his hand.

“Greyback was… doing things and Remus came in and Greyback said something about going next and Remus got really angry and they were fighting and there were more and they were flying through the air…”

“Wait, Sonny, I don’t think I follow. Can you go back to the start please. Greyback was doing what?”

Sonny’s body froze and the look on his face changed. His eyes seemed to stare past her and his face was blank. It was an expression she’d seen from Remus sometimes. She wondered if it was something to do with being a werewolf.

“He was… doing the thing with his… his thing where it goes hard and sticks out and it hurts.…”

“His thing?”

Lily was confused. She tried to figure out what the boy was talking about. Did Greyback hit the boy with something?

“His…his…willy.”

“Oh, Merlin.”

Lily realised that her horror must have shown on her face when Sonny cringed away.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m not supposed to tell, please don’t say I told.”

The boy’s distress brought her to her senses.

“Oh, Sonny, I’m not upset with you, I–”

“Please don’t tell. I’ll get in trouble.”

“No, Sonny. You aren’t in trouble, you won’t be in trouble.”

Her reassurances seemed to do nothing, as the boy began to sob again. She pulled him into a hug, lifting her eyes to see if Kingsley was looking in her direction. She had no idea what to do. What on earth were you supposed to do when a child told you he had just been raped? Should she even be touching him?

Kingsley was talking to yet another sullen, young werewolf, who had his arms crossed across his chest and a scowl on his face. Ted was just beyond them, also talking to one of the werewolves, this one a slightly older woman.

As if he felt her eyes on him, Ted glanced across at her. Their eyes met for a moment then he turned back to the woman, evidently dismissing her, as she began walking back to one of the houses. He interrupted Kingsley, who let the sullen teen follow the woman, and they both walked across to her.

Lily felt relief flood her body. Ted would know what to do.

“What is it, Lily?” he asked.

Lily looked down at the top of Sonny’s head.

“Um… he told me something… I… I don’t know what to do.”

Ted nodded at her and crouched beside the boy. He glanced up a her.

“What’s his name?”

“Sonny. It’s really Simon, but he’s called Sonny.”

“Sonny, is that right?”

Ted reached out and touched the boy’s arm.

“Hello, Sonny, I’m Ted.”

The boy pressed himself closer to Lily.

“Sonny, Lily said there was something you told her. Do you think you could tell me about it.”

“No! I shouldn’t have told.”

“Sonny, sometimes you have things… things that people say you shouldn’t tell, but keeping them inside makes you feel horrible.”

Sonny tilted his head slightly against Lily’s chest. He was listening to Ted.

“Is the thing you told Lily one of those kinds of things?

“Yes.”

Sonny pulled back from Lily and turned to Ted, who continued to encourage him to speak. Lily was so relieved. Ted knew what to do and the boy was responding. He was a big man, but it appeared that he wasn’t at all intimiding to a frightened child.

Lily remembered the night they had brought Severus out from the Lestranges’ manor. Remus had taken off back to the werewolf pack and Kingsley had left too. Regulus had been crying at the sight of Severus’s injuries and Lily had been little better. James looked on, tight-lipped and silent. Andromeda was as pale as Lily had ever seen her and so tense Lily thought she might explode, but she’d brought out her wand and began assessing and healing Severus’s injuries.

Ted had kept them all calm. When his wife had snapped and hissed at him to pass this or that potion, or to get the others to make less noise, he’d follow her commands with no sign of offense. He’d given Lily and James jobs to do, making them feel less helpless. He’d gently sent his daughter back to bed when she came to see what was going on – admittedly once the girl had caught sight of her mother’s face she’d disappeared pretty quickly. And Ted had been so patient with Regulus. Severus had been mostly unconscious, but every now and again he seemed to rouse slightly, moaning or whimpering. Regulus would lunge forward, calling to him, and Ted would put himself in the way, putting his arms around Regulus and keeping him back.

“She’s as good as any St Mungo’s healer, Reg,” he’d said, “Might not have the piece of paper that says it, but my Dromeda knows what she’s doing. He’s in good hands.”

There was something so reassuringly solid about Ted, so calm and unflappable. Nothing Sonny was saying seemed to shock or alarm him, although it must have.

“He said Remus could go next… with me… when he finished.”

Ted nodded.

“I see. And what did Remus say?”

“He got angry at Greyback. He said ‘let him go, right now’ and Greyback laughed at him. So he came over and Greyback stopped doing the thing and went to hit Remus and Remus hit him back. Then they started fighting and they were yelling and then they went outside and there was everyone and it… just…”

He was starting to get worked up again, and Lily could feel herself tensing up with him. But Ted just took a slow breath.

“Slow down, Sonny. Take a deep breath… like me, that’s right, lad, it’s okay.”

Sonny slowed his breathing down and moved closer to Ted.

“Okay, lad, can you tell me what happened after Remus and Greyback started fighting?”

“Remus fell down and Greyback was kicking him, then Greyback grabbed him and pulled him outside and he was yelling, then Scabior came, and… I’ve forgotten their names… but they’re not nice either. And they were kicking Remus and he was on the ground and then they all went flying through the air and fell down. Then Remus got up–“

“Ok, Sonny, back just a bit. So Scabior and the others came? And they were all kicking Remus?”

Sonny nodded, eyes now completely fixed on Ted.

“And then, Sonny?”

“They went flying through the air.”

“All of them?”

“Not Remus.”

“Alright. Was Remus holding a wand?”

“Wand?”

“A stick? In his hand?”

Sonny gave a firm shake of his head.

“He was on the ground, with his hands like…”

The boy held his hands up, protecting his face.

“And then he got up and he was bleeding and… he looked really angry. Then Greyback got up and Remus…”

Ted put a steadying hand on Sonny’s arm, just as he seemed to be getting upset again. He glanced up at Lily and Kingsley, and raised his eyebrows in a question. She knew what he was getting at. Could Remus have done that, wandless, while being attacked? Or had someone helped him? But Sonny was not stopping now,

“Remus ran at Greyback and knocked him over. Then they were fighting on the ground and Greyback got on top of Remus and was…um… had his hands on his neck and then he went in the air again and when he fell down Remus was on top of him and he bit him and there was blood and Scabior and the others tried to stop Remus but then Ed and Derek and Gab and…”

Sonny paused to take a deep breath and Ted looked as if he was about to interrupt, but then Sonny was off again.

“And Jeff and Vince and… I can’t remember who else, some of the girls too, they stopped Scabior and the others and started fighting with them and… there was blood… and screaming and then… I got scared and I ran away and hid and…”

He began to cry again.

“I’m sorry… it’s all my fault and I shouldn’t have told.”

The boy looked utterly wretched now, head down, nose running, sniffing and sobbing and saying sorry over and over. Ted pulled him close and then picked him up, the child’s slight frame nothing to him. Sonny clung like a baby monkey, arms and legs holding on tight as Ted held him on one hip, jiggling up and down and side to side the way Lily did with Harry.

Ted looked over at Lily.

“You get all of that?”

“Yeah,” she said, looking down at her hands, fiddling with her wedding ring. “I don’t know what to say.”

“Maybe try talking to Remus? If he knows we know what happened, maybe he’ll settle down.”

Lily looked at Kingsley and he nodded to her. They walked across, leaving Ted to comfort Sonny.

“Hey, how’s he doing?” Lily asked, giving Regulus a light tap on his shoulder.

“Much the same. Still can’t get any closer. He’s spoken a couple of times, but just telling us to go away, just leave him.”

She looked at Sirius, who glanced over and gave her a weak smile, then turned back to Remus.

“Lily’s here to see how you are, Moony. Do you want to talk to her?”

Remus looked at him, eyes suddenly focusing.

“Stop calling me that,” he said, his voice low and tight.

“What? Moony?”

“The Marauders are dead.”

“Moo– Remus, don’t say that.”

“You said it yourself, that night we found out… about Peter. We said we would always be there for each other… and it wasn’t true… empty promises.”

“Remus, it was just Peter… I’m still here… James is still here…”

“It’s not the same… it’s gone. What we had. James has a family now, he has other things to worry about. He can’t be…”

Remus’s voice cracked slightly and he didn’t go on. He looked down at his hands and began trying to scrape away some of the blood.

“James is here now… Remus. Do you want me to get him? He’s just helping the aurors.”

Remus shook his head.

“Just leave it, Sirius.”

“Alright.”

Sirius gave a sigh as he slumped against the wall and looked back to Lily. For once, Lily felt rather sorry for Sirius. He really did appear to be trying to help Remus instead of freaking out and making everything about him, but he was getting nowhere. Lily crouched down and put a hand on his shoulder.

“Hey, Remus,” she said, shoving Sirius slightly so that he moved over and gave her room to sit down. Remus looked at her, but didn’t respond. She moved her hand towards him, very slowly, but pulled it back when she felt whatever barrier he had around him.

“Remus, we’ve been talking to Sonny…”

Lily paused, watching Remus carefully. His eyes flicked up to look at her face, then flicked away just as quickly.

“He told us what happened, what you… what you stopped. That must have been… terrible. I can’t imagine…”

She took a breath, frustrated with herself. She was still so shocked that the words didn’t want to come. And that was just hearing about it. How must Remus have felt, seeing it?

“Who’s Sonny?” Sirius asked. “What was going on?”

“Um, yeah…”

Lily stalled, hoping she wouldn’t have to explain to Sirius. But Remus didn’t lift his head or make a sound.

“Sonny is one of the children,” she said, resigned to having to tell Sirius. “Greyback was hurting him, and Remus stepped in. It seems like… it turned into a… wider… um… others got involved… it was a bit of a brawl….”

“Is that what happened here? How…?”

Sirius looked across to the bodies, then back to Remus.

“Remus took on Greyback, and it sounds like some of his… some others started attacking Remus too. From what Sonny said, we think Remus fought them off with magic, and also some of the other werewolves tried to help. It’s not really clear, it was quite hard for Sonny to explain.”

Lily glanced again at Remus. He’d lifted his eyes and was watching her with a disconcerting intensity.

“Did Sonny tell you what Greyback was doing?” he said.

“He… he did. He said…he… Remus…”

“What? What is it, Lily?” Sirius asked. She could hear the anxiety in his voice. He knew that there was something not being said, something that Lily couldn’t find a way to say.

“The word is _rape_ ,” Remus said, his voice now chillingly calm. “That’s what Greyback was doing. He was raping a child. I stopped him and then I killed him. I ripped his throat out. That’s what he’d have done to me, for stopping him, if I hadn’t done it to him. It’s how things are here.”

A strangled sound escaped Sirius’s lips. Lily saw Regulus move closer to him, taking his hand.

“I should have known something was wrong,” Remus continued. “I should have done something… stopped it…”

“You did, Remus.”

He shook his head.

“No… I should have known sooner. The children were all so… they don’t act like children much. I should have known.”

“Remus, that’s not… you can’t blame yourself.”

Lily lifted her hand, wanting to reach out to him, but still wary of whatever it was that hit them whenever they got too close. Then Sirius was beside her, his hand out too.

“Remus, please…”

Remus backed away and then turned his back, an arm going up over his head as he curled up into a tight ball of misery.

“Leave me alone.”

“No… Remus… please…”

Lily glanced across at Sirius, hearing the desperation in his voice and wondering whether that might be what Remus needed to hear. Whatever he appeared to be feeling himself, Remus always responded to Sirius’s need, always there to be the calm, sensible one when Sirius wasn’t.

But Remus wasn’t responding this time.

“Leave me. Go.”

Lily could feel the tension in Sirius as he knelt beside her, but then he took a breath and let it out slowly. His voice, when he spoke again, was much calmer.

“I’m not going anywhere, love. Not without you.”

“No. You have to go. I’m a monster. They’ll… they’ll execute me for this.”

“No, love, surely not. You saved a child from a rapist. They wouldn’t.”

“They would… they…”

“Who’s they?”

“The… the Ministry. They want us all dead. They’ll line us up and… and slit our throats with silver-handled knives.”

“Remus… what? That’s… no… surely not?”

Sirius turned to Lily.

“No, Remus, they wouldn’t do that.”

“How do you know?”

“Well…”

Lily didn’t have an answer to that. She’d never heard of such a thing, but she also knew that anti-werewolf sentiment was strong in the wake of Greyback’s attacks and his alliance with Voldemort. There had been frequent calls for werewolves to be killed.

“How do you know they will, Remus?”

Lily had almost forgotten Regulus was there until he spoke. Remus seemed surprised too , turning towards them to stare at Regulus. When he finally replied, his voice was hushed.

“Greyback told us.”

Lily could see something in his eyes now, comprehension dawning that Greyback may not have been the most reliable of sources.

“Kingsley is here, Remus,” Lily said, looking across to Regulus for confirmation that she was saying the right thing. “I could ask him if he’s heard anything like that. He knows you, he’d never want anything like that to happen.”

Remus appeared to be thinking, then he finally gave a nod. Lily scrambled to her feet and walked over to Kingsley, who appeared to have given up questioning werewolves and was talking with Ted.

“Kingsley, a question?”

He nodded.

“Greyback told Remus, told all the werewolves, probably, that the Ministry was planning on having them killed. Lined up and executed by having their throats slit with silver-handled knives. That’s not true, is it?”

Kingsley’s expression soured.

“Bloody Umbridge,” he said. “No, no, they’re not. But this absolute hag who works in the Beasts Division proposed it. Delores Umbridge. Nasty piece of work. Wiser heads prevailed, of course, Remus’s father among them, but it doesn’t surprise me that Greyback got wind of the idea.”

“Oh.”

“So he’s talking then?”

“Yeah, confirmed what Sonny told us about Greyback and said that he’d killed him. Hasn’t said what else happened yet.”

“Do you think he’d talk to me? Or me and Ted? He’s not going to get into trouble, for once it’s a good thing that they’re classed as Beasts right now. Ministry doesn’t particularly care about werewolves killing werewolves. But we do need to tie up the loose ends.”

Lily shrugged, and Kingsley followed her over to talk to Remus. Ted followed too, still holding Sonny on one hip as if he was a toddler. When Lily looked more closely, she realised that Sonny had fallen asleep.

“How’s he doing?” she asked, with a nod towards the boy.

Ted sighed.

“Not sure, really. I asked him if there was anyone who looked after him. He mentioned that there are a couple of women who keep an eye on the young kids, but he was terrified to go back to them. Apparently, they are most insistent that the children never talk about what happens when they are with Greyback. He’s sure he will be punished for telling us what he did.”

Lily felt ill. Other werewolves had known and just let it happen. And it wasn’t just Sonny.

“What will happen to him?”

“I’m going to see if they’ll let me take him back with us. Dromeda will understand. I don’t think he’ll be able to stay with us too long, but it will give us some time to work things out.”

Lily and Ted watched as Kingsley spoke to Remus. At first, Remus turned his head away, but eventually he moved to look at him, finally nodding and then scrambling to his feet. Sirius rose as well, watching anxiously as Remus leaned against the wall. He reached out his hand, pausing no more than a foot from Remus.

“Remus, please, let me… let me in.”

Remus looked back at him, a frown creasing his brow.

“You’ve got some sort of shield up, love. It’s pushing back anyone who gets close.”

Remus looked confused for a moment longer, before comprehension dawned, He shook his head, then he was falling into Sirius arms.

“There you are, my love, I’ve got you now.”

Lily sighed with relief as Sirius pulled Remus close. But Remus was pushing away, hauling himself upright.

“Let’s get this over with,” he said, and began walking towards the blanket-covered bodies.

Kingsley and Sirius exchanged a look, then followed, Kingsley waving in the direction of James and the auror he had called John. The two aurors who had been standing near the bodies stepped in front of Remus. Now that Lily was looking more closely, they looked very young, even younger than she was.

“This is Remus Lupin,” Kingsley said. “He’s agreed to identify the dead for us.”

“And who’s that then?” one of the aurors said, looking at Sirius, who looked back with a scowl.

“That’s above your pay grade,” Kingsley snapped, and the auror backed off.

“Shacklebolt, have you got something?”

Kingsley nodded to the other auror, who looked slightly older and wore an insignia that indicated he outranked Kingsley, but only just.

“Remus, this is John Dawlish, John, this is Remus Lupin. Remus can identify the bodies for us.”

Dawlish looked Remus up and down, distaste on his face. Remus looked at the ground.

“Right, then,” Dawlish said, finally, and flicked his wand at the first blanket. One corner flipped back, revealing a face that was more bloody mess than anything. Remus stared for a few moments then muttered something. Dawlish flicked his wand again, and more of the body was uncovered.

“That’s Scabior,” Remus said, pointing to a patch of scarring on the chest. “Greyback’s second-in-command.”

“Someone’s had a good go at him,” Kingsley said.

“Yeah, well, he wasn’t very popular. Not a nice man.”

They moved on to the next body. Again, Dawlish turned the blanket back with a flick of his wand.

“Garvey,” Remus said. “Another of Greyback’s inner circle.”

“Full name for either of them?” Dawlish asked.

Remus shrugged.

“Just known as Scabior and Garvey.”

They moved on, the next blanket revealing a much younger man, not much older than Remus.

“That’s Vince. Vincent… Harper, I think. Muggle kid. Think he was turned by Greyback a couple of years back. A decent guy, he would have been fighting against Scabior, Garvey and the others.”

Kingsley nodded and Dawlish looked skeptical as they moved on, looking at each body in turn. Finally they came to the last.

“That’s Greyback,” Remus said, before Dawlish had even turned the blanket back.

“You haven’t seen him yet.”

Remus hunched into himself, the expression on his face closing off.

“I know it’s him.”

Dawlish waved his wand in the direction of the body, removing enough of the blanket to show not just his face, but his neck and chest as well. Even at some distance, Lily could see that Remus hadn’t been exaggerating when he said he’d ripped Greyback’s throat out. Kingsley flinched at the sight, while Dawlish looked disgusted.

“You lot really are just a pack of animals, aren’t you. I don’t know why the Ministry doesn’t cull the lot of you.”

Lily grabbed Sirius’s arm at exactly the same time as Regulus.

“Don’t, Siri,” Regulus said. “He’s the head auror on site, you’ll just make things worse.”

Sirius nodded and Regulus let go of his arm. Lily hung on a moment longer, still not yet confident in Sirius’s newfound maturity. But in her concern that Sirius would do something impulsive, she hadn’t thought about her equally impulsive husband. She realised her mistake when James barged past them and marched up to Dawlish, jabbing his wand in the auror’s face.

“What the fuck did you just say?”

Dawlish gaped at him.

“I’ve had to listen to your horrible comments for half the afternoon, and I have kept my mouth shut because you’re good at your job and I learned a lot training with you. But you’ve gone too far, Dawlish. Remus is my friend and you won’t talk to him like that. Apologise.”

Dawlish had recovered some composure. He drew himself back and sneered at James.

“Are you going to make me? I’m head auror here and you’re just some kid who’s done basic training and works for some private outfit staffed mostly by teenagers.”

Regulus grabbed Sirius by the arm again as he tensed up and looked like he really was going to jump in this time. Lily stepped forward, meaning to grab James, while Ted, despite still carrying Sonny, also looked ready to step in. Kingsley looked uncomfortable, no doubt well aware that Dawlish had the power to make his life miserable.

“Leave it. Leave it, James.”

Remus was slouched over, as if he wanted to disappear, but his voice was firm. James turned to look at him.

“Remus…”

Remus shrugged.

“Yeah, but it’s not worth it. It’s not that I don’t appreciate it…really, I do, but… this is just… this is nothing. Save your energy for someone who’s worth fighting.”

Remus walked over to James, putting a hand on his shoulder. He turned to face Kingsley.

“So what happens now?”

“Go with your friends, Remus. I’ll be in touch if there’s any more we need from you.”

“But…”

Kingsley shook his head.

“We’ve got all we need to know. The bodies are identified and we saw enough of the brawl when we arrived to get the picture of what happened. Isn’t that right, John?”

Dawlish stared back, apparently more discomposed by Remus’s indifference than James’s anger. Kingsley gave him a nudge and he turned abruptly, walking over to the two younger aurors and yelling orders at them.

“You take care now, Remus,” Kingsley said, before nodding to the others then turning and following Dawlish.

Remus nodded back him, then began steering James towards Lily.

“So,” Remus said, as he came to a stop beside Sirius. “You mentioned cake?”

Sirius took Remus’s hand.

“Not just cake, love. Chocolate cake. Really, really good chocolate cake.”

“Well, then. Why are we still here?”


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remus is back, and yet he's not.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's more nasty triggering stuff in this chapter, discussion of past rape/ sexual abuse.

Remus was back, and yet he wasn’t.

In the weeks since they’d brought him back from the werewolf camp, Remus had been like a ghost. He spoke when spoken to, but never otherwise, he opened books and stared at the pages as if they made no sense, and he ate and drank what Sirius put in front of him without seeming aware of what it was. Sirius even tested this, serving him a plate of dinner with canned peas, which Remus loathed. He ate without comment.

Sirius wanted to grab him by the shoulders and shake him until he said something or did something or showed any emotion at all, but Regulus had told him that wouldn’t help.

“He’ll need calm and quiet,” Regulus had said. “Just be patient, he’s been through a lot.”

Sirius had given his brother a disbelieving look.

“Reg, this is me you’re talking to. I can’t do calm, quiet and patient.”

Regulus narrowed his eyes in response.

“You will, because you have to. Right now, it’s what he needs. I know you love him enough to give him that.”

Regulus knew what he was talking about, Sirius knew. He’d been there for Severus, and by all accounts Severus had been a lot worse when he’d been rescued. Even what Sirius had seen, weeks after the rescue, was pretty bad.

But Regulus was Regulus, and he was good at that kind of thing. He was good at being patient and quiet. He’d never really been anything else. Sirius, on the other hand, had always been utterly useless at anything requiring calm or patience. He was always a mess after full moons, when Remus was sick or injured or, most often, both. The only reason he coped at all was because Remus always insisted he was fine and shrugged off any attempts to fuss over him.

He was even worse when someone was upset. He really only had one way of dealing with it – by doing stupid stuff until they either laughed or told him to leave them alone. Remus, always obliging, would laugh, of course. But Sirius knew that if Remus had just made jokes and pulled pranks when Sirius was upset about something, Sirius would have hexed him into next week. Remus would never do that, though.

“So,” Regulus had said, “why don’t you do what Remus would do, if you are upset?”

Sirius had thought about that. It was a good suggestion. He could easily recall a dozen little things that Remus did to make him feel better when something wasn’t right with him. There was the tone of voice that could bring him back down when he was so on edge he wanted to scream. There was the way he’d walk up behind him, always with a soft word so he didn’t startle him, then place his hands on Sirius’s hips or shoulders. And there was way he always knew when something was wrong, without Sirius saying anything at all, and would ask what the matter was in just the right way.

But none of that was any help. Sirius tried doing the same things, but Remus wasn’t visibly upset. He insisted that he was fine when Sirius asked. He didn’t need to be calmed down because he never showed any trace of emotion. And he tensed up then moved away almost every time Sirius tried to touch him.

Sirius knew that Remus wasn’t fine. He was not even close to being fine. Even the way that Remus said he was “fine” screamed that he quite clearly was not. Sometimes he would snap “fine” while his body radiated tension. Other times, he’d say “fine” with a voice and body filled with heaviness, as if even that single word was draining his energy. Nothing that Sirius did or said could get Remus to admit anything else.

It took some days for him to realise where the problem lay. He was so sure that it lay in his own inability to give comfort when needed, it was hard for him to imagine it might be something else. The truth, when it came, hurt far more than believing that he was incomptetent.

Remus didn’t want help or comfort from Sirius.

The old Sirius would have stormed off and done something spectacularly stupid, not unlike the night he had found out about Peter. But that was the problem, Sirius realised. He couldn’t blame Remus if he didn’t trust Sirius to be there when he needed him. That’s how it always had been and it wasn’t going to get better until Remus knew he had changed.

He went to Lily then, knowing that Remus had always got on well with her. Surely Remus would talk to Lily, even if he wouldn’t talk to Sirius. He was wrong though. Lily got nowhere with Remus either. In then end, she gave him the same advice as Regulus had – be patient.

His patience nearly ran out when he returned from an Order mission to find Remus packing.

“Remus. What in Merlin’s name are you doing?”

Remus flinched at Sirius’s tone. He turned his back to Sirius before answering, the words barely audible.

“I’m packing. I have to go.”

Sirius took a breath before responding. He’d worked out by now that yelling wouldn’t help.

“Why, love? Am I that bad?”

He tried to make his tone light, make a joke of it, but he sounded whiny instead. Remus turned, concern on his face. Sirius realised that it was almost the only time he’d seen any expression since Remus had been back.

“No, no, it’s not you. I just… I have to go back. To Kielder Forest.”

Sirius didn’t immediately start shouting. He didn’t yell “WHAT THE FUCK, MOONY?” at the top of his voice. He didn’t freak out and grab Remus’s arm in hysterics. He didn’t do anything that the old Sirius would have done.

“Why, Remus? Greyback is… gone.”

The old Sirius would have missed the expression that passed across Remus’s face when he’d said the word “Greyback”. Or, perhaps, he would have seen it but ignored it, assuming Remus would say something if it was important. But he couldn’t be that man any more.

“It bothers you when I say his name, doesn’t it, love?”

Remus’s eyes widened for a moment, then he shook his head.

“It’s fine.”

He returned to his packing, making another attempt to jam his sleeping bag into his old rucksack.

“Why are you going, Remus? Why do you have to go?”

Remus avoided Sirius’s eyes. He pulled the sleeping bag out of the rucksack and began re-rolling it. He didn’t answer Sirius’s question, so Sirius left him to it and went to the kitchen. He made two cups of tea and cut a couple of slices from a multi-layered chocolate sponge with hazelnut cream filling which he’d picked up from his brother and Snape on the way home. He put them all on a tray and levitated it through to the bedroom. Remus appeared to have given up on the sleeping bag. It was lying on the floor, while Remus sat beside it, leaning against the wall.

“Remus, tea.”

Sirius placed the tray down beside him and sat down on the floor himself. He handed Remus one of the cups and began to drink the other himself.

“What’s going on, love? I don’t understand why you have to go back to the pack at Kielder.”

Remus lowered his gaze. He was definitely avoiding saying something. Sirius’s first thought was that Remus had found himself a new boyfriend there He felt sick at the thought but, once again, he could hardly blame Remus. All that time away, he must have felt so alone.

He nearly asked Remus, but then he finally started to speak.

“Dumbledore came to see me.”

Sirius felt like an idiot. That made far more sense than Remus finding a new boyfriend. Of course Remus would go back if Albus Bloody Dumbledore told him to.

“And?” he asked, managing to keep his voice calm.

“Since… since the pack lost its leader, Voldemort has sent a couple of Death Eaters to supervise them. He considers the pack to be his. A weapon he can use when the time is right. The Order still needs information. I have… I have to go.”

Remus’s voice cracked and his hand wobbled, spilling some of his tea. Sirius reached out and took the cup off him. Remus pulled his hand back, wrapping his arms around his body, but not before Sirius saw that he was shaking.

“You can’t go, Remus. You’re… you need a break, you’re worn out.”

“I’m fine.”

“Will you stop saying that. You’re not fine.”

That, Sirius realised too late, was the wrong thing to say. Remus’s face shut down. He began struggling to his feet, grabbing his rucksack and sleeping bag and looking as if he was going to make yet another futile attempt to get it to fit.

“Remus, please. _Please_.”

Sirius knew he sounded desperate. He didn’t mean to – he was trying so hard to stay calm and now he was messing everything up. But perhaps the desperation in his voice got through to Remus, because he dropped the rucksack and sleeping bag and sat down heavily on the edge of the bed. Sirius got up from the floor and sat beside him.

“Remus, you don’t really want to go back to the werewolves, do you?”

“Of course not, but we all have to do things that we don’t want to do.”

“That’s true, but… Remus, this has been so hard on you. It’s been ten months. And I’ve missed you. I don’t want you to go back.”

Remus shifted his gaze from the floor to Sirius’s face. He looked surprised.

“Really?”

“Of course, love.”

Sirius wanted to pull him into a hug, to hold him and never let go, but he was cautious, thinking of the way Remus had been avoiding his touch. He took Remus’s hand instead.

“I missed you all the time, Remus. Of course I did. I missed you so much.”

Something seemed to click in Sirius’s brain. Remus could be talked into almost anything by Dumbledore, but there was one person who was even better at convincing Remus to do things that he didn’t really want to do, even if he knew they were wrong. After all, he’d been doing it since his first year of school. These days, Sirius felt guilty about it – really, it was Sirius who should have listened to the far more sensible Remus and not the other way around. But, right now, Sirius could use that to his advantage. He might have been a Gryffindor, but he had Black genes and could act like a Slytherin when he needed to.

“I don’t want you to go, Remus. I couldn’t bear it. Please stay.”

Remus glanced away, biting at his lip in the way he often did when he was uncertain.

“Dumbledore doesn’t need you to go and stay, love. You must have good contacts there, by now. Surely, if he wanted information, you could just go and meet with someone you knew there. Someone who would be sympathetic. You must know people who’d help.”

Remus appeared to be thinking hard. He hadn’t pulled his hand away, so Sirius took his other hand.

“I suppose.”

“That would work, wouldn’t it? I’d go with you, if you wanted. Make sure you were ok. Stop myself from worrying, yeah?”

“Yeah…”

“I couldn’t stand to have you away again. It’s not the same without you.”

Sirius wasn’t sure if he was going overboard, with his begging tone and puppy-dog eyes, but he could see Remus wavering.

“Please?”

“Alright.”

Remus sighed and nodded. He didn’t look happy about it, just relieved.

“Do you want me to talk to Dumbledore? He’ll try and change your mind, you know.”

Remus nodded.

“I can’t face him. He’ll give me a disappointed look and I’ll feel guilty because he let me go to Hogwarts. I owe him for everything.”

Sirius wanted to shake Remus again, but decided to leave that argument for later.

“How about you put your stuff away and eat some of that cake. Better still, why don’t you chuck that sleeping bag out. It’s done its duty now.”

Remus nodded, picking up a small piece of the cake and putting it into his mouth.

“Hey, this is really good.”

“Don’t eat it all, okay? Save some for me. I’ll be back soon, yeah?”

Sirius apparated to James and Lily’s first. He wanted to put a stop to the nonsense of Remus having to be with the werewolf packs for once and for all. Reinforcements seemed like a good idea.

Both James and Lily were outraged at Dumbledore’s request of Remus and volunteered to join Sirius. Lily was determined to go herself, but James was insistent.

“Take Ted, then,” Lily said. “I just want to know you’re not going to talk each other into something stupid. Or let Dumbledore convince you to do some foolhardy mission instead of Remus.”

Ted was as angry as Sirius was at Dumbledore’s request to Remus.

“Of course I’ll come with you,” he said. “There’s no way Remus is going back. Absolutely not. Just let me tell Dromeda.”

He turned to look for his wife, only to find her standing just behind him, arms crossed, lips thin with suppressed fury.

“I’ll go with them,” she said. Her voice was quiet, but there was no mistaking the steel in her tone.

“Really? Why? I don’t mind.”

She took a slow breath.

“I have more leverage with Dumbledore.”

A look passed between them. Sirius could tell it was something important, but he had no idea what. He couldn’t imagine what “leverage” his cousin could have with the Hogwarts headmaster.

“Are you sure, Dromeda?”

“If I wasn’t sure, I wouldn’t have said so, would I?”

The look on Andromeda’s face was dangerous. Sirius had never seen her look more like her older sister. Ted, however, simply nodded, the faintest hint of a smile tugging the corner of his mouth.

“Will you say goodnight to Dora and Simon before you go? They may be asleep before you get back?”

“Oh, this won’t take long,” she said. “Sirius, James, come on.”

Sirius followed his cousin as she marched out the door.

The apparated to the gates of Hogwarts and walked up the path to Dumbledore’s office.

“Strange to be back here,” Andromeda said.

“Haven’t you been back since you were at school?” James asked.

She shook her head.

“I was pleased enough to see the back of the place.”

Outside Dumbledore’s office, she turned to Sirius and James. 

“You can do the talking. I’m just here for backup.”

She folded her arms and Sirius was struck, once again, by the resemblance to her sister. It wasn’t their physicaly resemblance, although they did look quite similar. It was her expression, the cold rage in her eyes. Whatever it was that Dumbledore had done to anger her, he hadn’t been forgiven.

When Dumbledore called them in, they filed into his office.

“A delegation, I see,” he said. “Sirius, James, Andromeda. Lemon drop?”

Sirius shook his head.

“You asked Remus to go back to the werewolves,” he said, accusation in his voice.

“Remus _agreed_ to go back to the werewolves. He understands what is at stake here.”

“No. He’s not going.”

“Sirius…”

Dumbledore looked concerned. He placed one hand on Sirius’s shoulder.

“I know this is hard for you, but it’s important. Voldemort is gaining more and more power. Thanks, in no small part, to the contributions of people like your parents. He must be stopped, you understand that. He must be stopped before his odious views affect us all.”

Sirius opened and closed his mouth. It was a low blow for Dumbledore to mention his parents, but he was right. Voldemort couldn’t be allowed to win.

“Think about Lily,” Dumbledore continued, looking at James. “In Voldemort’s world, she and her family would be killed. Just their existence is an offence to him and his supporters. And what of Harry?”

“Oh, fuck this shit,” Andromeda said loudly. Dumbledore turned to her, looking surprised. Sirius had never seen him look so startled. On the other hand, he’d never heard his cousin swear like that. It wasn’t something that nice, pureblood girls did.

“Sirius is not proposing that he and James become Death Eaters. He’s just telling you that Remus isn’t going back to the bloody Kielder pack. He had a perfectly reasonable alternative lined up to offer you, and you just start this bloody emotional blackmail.”

The look in Andromeda’s eyes was murderous.

“If you want blackmail, you bastard, then how’s this? You stay the hell away from Remus, and the rest of the Order don’t find out what Dark Wizards in training have been allowed to get away with at Hogwarts.”

“Andromeda, dear girl, you’re getting worked up over things that happened a long time ago.”

“Oh, I don’t think so, _Albus_. Imagine my surprise, when I hear from Regulus and Severus about what one of their housemates did. Young Mulciber, who’s now firmly at Voldemort’s side, boasting about what he got away with doing to one of the Gryffindor girls. You know, I thought you didn’t care because I was a Slytherin. But you just don’t care at all, do you? The thing is, there are others that will. And I will tell them if I have to.”

Dumbledore raised his hands in front of himself.

“Andromeda–“

“Don’t,” she hissed back.

Andromeda’s eyes were cold, and Sirius thought that she could have killed Dumbledore in that moment. He stepped forward, wondering if he dared stand between them. He wasn’t sure what was going on – he knew that Ted and Andromeda didn’t like Dumbledore, but he’d had no idea it was this intense.

“Um… yeah, Dromeda, you mentioned my suggestion.”

Three pairs of eyes turned to stare at Sirius. He felt as if he’d just stepped on a stick while stalking a runespoor. James, at least, just looked confused, but both Dumbledore and Andromeda looked distinctly predatory.

“So… well, Remus and I talked, and I thought… there are people up there who know him. They’d talk to him, he said, if he asked. So he can go up, we can go, I’ll take him, and he can get information and pass it on if there is anything. But he won’t have to stay there.”

Sirius took a breath. Both Dumbledore and Andromeda seemed to have relaxed slightly.

“So…?”

Sirius shrugged, looking at Dumbledore.

“Yes, that may work. I can’t say that I think the quality of the information will be the same–”

“It will do well enough,” Andromeda interrupted, folding her arms. “Sirius will report anything of interest to you. Stay away from Remus. Now, I believe we are done.”

She turned and walked out of the office. Sirius looked at Dumbledore, who gave him a chilly nod, before grabbing the very confused James by the arm.

“C’mon, James, we’re leaving.”

The were half way to the gates before they caught up with Andromeda.

“What was that about?” James asked. “I feel like most of the conversation went over my head.”

Andromeda kept walking and Sirius glared at him.

“What?”

“I don’t think Andromeda wants to discuss it, James.”

“Oh, sorry.”

When they got to the gates, Andromeda turned to them both.

“Sirius, come back with me, I’d like a word.”

She turned away and had apparated before Sirius could reply.

“Yeah, um, thanks, James. I’d better…”

“Right, okay, see you later.”

James was gone and then Sirius apparated to Andromeda and Ted’s place. Andromeda was waiting for him, standing outside the front door.

“Andromeda…”

Sirius looked at his cousin, unsure what else to say. He wasn’t exactly sure what the conversation had meant, but he knew it wasn’t good.

“I… I don’t know what to say, Dromeda.”

“There isn’t anything, really.”

She was silent a moment and Sirius would have once felt compelled to fill the silence, but now he just stood, looking at his feet.

“You know I was supposed to marry Rabastan Lestrange?”

Sirius looked up.

“No, no I didn’t. I had no idea.”

“You were much younger, you probably wouldn’t have heard. Bellatrix and I were promised to the two brothers, not sure when, exactly, probably at birth, knowing how Mother and Father thought.”

Sirius said nothing. There was nothing to be said.

“He… Lestrange… evidently felt entitled… to what he’d have once we were married.”

It took Sirius a moment to realise what she was saying. When he did, he felt ill. She was referring to sex, only it didn’t sound as if his cousin was willing. Which meant… rape. Andromeda was telling him that Lestrange had raped her.

“Shit. When you were still at school?”

She nodded.

“Before that, Hogwarts had been my refuge. You felt the same, I’m sure.”

Sirius looked up at his cousin, seeing pain in her eyes that she didn’t often show. He nodded.

“Yeah. Getting away from home… it felt amazing. Free.”

“Then he… he took that away from me. I never said anything, why would I? I was sure it would make no difference. But… one day… Ted came across me… I was upset and… I didn’t mean to say anything, but… he’s just so easy to talk to… you know?”

Sirius nodded again.

“He was Head Boy, he took that seriously. He took me to some of the Hufflepuff girls, to look after me, then he went to Dumbledore, to tell him what Lestrange had done. Poor Ted… so naïve… Dumbledore told him to stay out of pureblood politics, that I was to be married to Lestrange anyway.”

She gave a shrug.

“I wasn’t surprised, it’s what I expected, but Ted was outraged. He asked me then if I wanted to go back to my home. He assumed it would be safer for me there…”

Andromeda fell silent.

“It wasn’t, was it?” Sirius said, his voice low. He knew what she was going to say, but it was still hard to hear it.

She shook her head.

“Father… he… he did just the same. To my sisters as well. And Mother knew, she just ignored it. People wonder why Bella’s so fucking insane. But the wonder is that Cissa and I aren’t.”

“Uncle Al, he made a couple of comments to me… he really didn’t like your father…”

“Yes… yes, he was okay, Uncle Al.”

She sighed, then seemed to stand up a bit straighter and looked directly at Sirius, the distant expression gone from her eyes.

“After that, Ted looked out for me. He even wanted me to come and stay with his family, but… well, a family of muggles couldn’t take on the Blacks. But once Cissa and I were old enough, we got out, she married Malfoy, I went to Ted’s. Ted and I weren’t together or anything at first, he was just… he cared. Just a good person. Later on, he was someone who seemed safe to me… and I think he’s always had a bit of a hero complex… likes rescuing people. Sometimes I still feel as if he could do better, but I’m mostly over that. We’ve worked out okay. I’m still a screwed up mess, but he’s a lovely father, so Dora at least has one parent who isn’t completely fucked up.”

Andromeda gave him a weak smile.

“It’s got better. I was pretty useless at times when Dora was young but it’s got easier with her now. And, with Simon… that’s Sonny, but he wanted to go back to his real name… somehow it seems right that he’s come to us. There’s Ted to look after him, be big and strong and safe, but I understand him, you know? He talks to me, I’m the one he goes to. It’s hard, but it feels right, that from what I’ve been through I can help someone else.”

Sirius thought of the boy that he’d first seen curled up in Ted’s arms, the boy that Remus had saved from Greyback. He was glad that someone was caring for him. Remus had told him that most of the children in the pack at Kielder Forest were orphaned when Greyback killed their parents.

“I have to go now, Sirius, it’s nearly bedtime and I promised Ted I’d be there to say goodnight to Dora and Simon. Not a lot of use if I’m home but standing on the doorstep.”

“Yeah… thanks for helping today. I’m glad you were with us.”

“Anytime, Siri,” she said, giving his hair a ruffle as if he was still a child.

“Um… can I hug you?”

Andromeda smiled, this time rather more strongly, and pulled him into a hug.

“Course you can, you idiot.”

She held him tight, before releasing him and pulling back, one hand on his shoulder.

“Look after Remus, Sirius. He needs you right now.”

“I’m not sure that he does. You know I’m so hopeless at this kind of thing. He needs… I don’t know.”

“He needs you, Siri. He needs you and he needs time.”

Sirius shook his head.

“I don’t know. I just feel like I’m doing nothing.”

“You stopped Dumbledore sending him back. You’re doing fine.”

She unlocked the door and turned back to him once more.

“I’ll check in on you in a day or two. I know it’s tough, but… I’m proud of you Sirius, I really am.”

She smiled then, a big, warm, genuine smile that he’d seldom seen on the face of any Black. Sirius smiled back, feeling inside as if things would be alright for the first time in ages.

When he got back to the cottage, it appeared as if Remus hadn’t moved. He was still on the bedroom floor, rucksack open, the horrible, grotty sleeping bag in his lap. He was cuddling it as if it was a security blanket. Beside him was a bottle of firewhisky that Sirius had forgotten he’d had. He would have got rid of it, had he remembered. He didn’t want Remus going back to drinking the way he had before going to the werewolves. Judging by the amount left in the bottle, Remus had already had more than enough.

“Hey, Remus.”

Remus looked up and then back down. He grabbed the bottle and took a swig.

“Don’t do that, love. You’ll only make yourself feel worse.”

Sirius took the bottle from him and put it out of reach.

“Let’s get you off the floor.”

Remus shook his head, then groaned. Sirius stood, putting out his hands. Remus ignored him. Sirius leaned down and took Remus’s hands in his, then straightened, pulling Remus to his feet. He let go of one hand and put his arm around Remus’s waist as Remus flopped against him.

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay, Remus.”

He sat Remus down on the edge of the bed. Remus shook his head again.

“I’m sorry I’m so useless.”

“You’re not useless.”

“I am. I wasn’t there… I wasn’t there when you needed me and now I am here, I’m just… useless.”

Sirius paused, looking at Remus and trying to make sense of what he was saying. He didn’t get far.

“Please stop saying you’re useless, love. You’re not.”

“You were in Azkaban, and when you got out, I wasn’t there. And now I’m here and I can’t… I can’t be what you need. I’m making you look after me when I should be looking after you.”

“Remus, you’re not making sense.”

Remus looked up, tears starting to form in his eyes.

“You deserve better than this, me being useless, you’ve been through so much and now… I’m just making it worse.”

“Love, that’s… you’ve had an awful time with the werewolf packs, I can see that. You’ll take some time to get used to being back. That’s okay.”

“No, no, it’s not.”

Remus shook his head, hard this time, then let out a whimper. He put his hand over his mouth and lunged forward, managing a couple of steps in the direction of the bathroom before falling to his hands and knees and vomiting over the floor. Sirius crouched beside him, a hand on his back, waiting until the retching stopped.

“Oh, fuck, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.”

“It’s alright, Remus, it’s alright, love. Probably best to get rid of all that firewhisky, yeah?”

Sirius slipped his wand out of his sleeve and vanished the mess, before summoning a cloth. He wiped Remus’s face and then his hands, before throwing the cloth back into the bathroom. Remus was sniffing now, tears running down his cheeks.

“Feeling better now, love?”

Remus began to cry harder.

“I’m sorry. I’m just making everything worse. You deserve so much better than this, than me. You should have someone… someone who’s better, who’s not ugly and dirty and a monster.”

“Remus, no. Stop saying that.”

Sirius stood, once again pulling Remus to his feet. Remus stumbled but Sirius held on to him, dragging him into the kitchen before shoving him into one of the chairs. Remus fell forward with his face on the table.

“Let’s get you some tea, yeah? And maybe get some food into you. And then you can sober up and stop saying horrible things about yourself.”

Sirius made tea, hesitating for a moment with the sugar. Despite his sweet tooth, Remus didn’t normally have sugar in his tea, but it seemed like he probably needed it just then. He dumped in a good teaspoonful and stirred it, before placing the cup by Remus’s head.

“Come on, Remus,” he said, lifting his head and holding the cup to get him to take some of the tea. Remus swallowed obediently. When Sirius took the cup away, Remus rested his head in his hands.

“I’m sorry, Sirius.”

“Yeah, you mentioned that. Don’t worry about it. How many times have you looked after me when I’ve been in a complete mess?”

“But… that’s…”

“But what, Remus? It’s okay if I’m in a state and you have to look after me, but it’s not okay for me to look after you?”

Remus lifted his head to look at Sirius. He was frowning and it looked as if he was having trouble focusing his eyes. Sirius lifted the mug to his lips again.

“Come on, Remus. Get some more tea into you. Balance out the firewhisky, yeah?”

Remus swallowed more tea then dropped his head back in his hands.

“Do you reckon you could eat some cake, love?”

Remus shook his head without lifting it from his hands.

“You are really feeling miserable, aren’t you?”

Sirius grabbed the other chair and sat down next to Remus. He thought about what Remus would do if the tables were turned. He’d make tea and offer food, so Sirius was alright there. Maybe he’d take Sirius by the hand or hug him. That seemed alright.

Sirius pulled his chair closer and put one arm around Remus’s shoulders. With the other, he took one of Remus’s hands.

“I’m here, Remus. If you need to talk…”

Remus would definitely listen if Sirius needed to talk. He had a way of saying enough but not too much, of seeming interested without being nosy. Sirius wasn’t sure he could manage the same. But he sat and waited and held his bony, scarred hand until Remus seemed to come to a decision and began to speak.

“I think…” Remus said, lifting his head slightly but still looking down at the table. “Well, I heard things, you know, that some of the other werewolves said. About… about Greyback.”

Remus seemed to flinch at his own words and Sirius gripped his hand tighter. He stayed silent as Remus continued speaking, his voice dropping to a whisper.

“It was always those he turned as children… they said he… he… before he turned them, before he transformed… he did stuff to them. Like he was doing to Sonny. He’d do… _that_ … then when the moon rose he’d transform and bite them.”

Sirius swallowed, feeling ill. He didn’t like the direction that the conversation was taking.

“I think… I think that… maybe… I think maybe he might have done that to me.”

Remus was shaking, Sirius could feel it in his shoulders and hands.

“Oh, oh Remus. Oh…”

Sirius could have slapped himself in the face for the stupid sounds that were coming out of his mouth. Could he think of nothing better to say?

“I don’t know, though,” Remus continued, still looking at the table in front of him. “I only remember bits of that night. Nothing very clear. It’s just bloody stupid. Why do I keep thinking about it and worrying about it when it was so long ago and I… I don’t even remember?”

“Remus…”

Sirius couldn’t find anything else to say, so he took a long breath. Remus lifted his face from his hand and looked at Sirius. He looked so miserable.

“Remus… “ Sirius said, his words coming slowly as he thought carefully about them. “You were four. I think, maybe, you are being a bit… hard on yourself. I hardly remember anything from when I was four.”

“Yeah, but… if I don’t remember, why is it upsetting me?”

“I… I don’t know, love.”

There was something off in what Remus was saying, but Sirius couldn’t figure it out.

“Did your parents… did they ever say anything about that night? Did you ever talk to them about it?”

Remus dropped his eyes to the table again and shook his head.

“They didn’t like to talk about it. Didn’t even like the word… w… werewolf. I didn’t… Dad would get all tense and angry… and Mum… she’d… she’d cry… or at least she would look like she was going to cry.”

Sirius felt the familiar tightness in his chest and the heat rising in his body. He wanted to leap to his feet and yell, he wanted to scream with rage and hit something or, preferably, someone for what had been done to Remus. Not just by Greyback, but by his parents.

He choked back the words that bubbled up in his throat. How _dare_ they? _How dare they? How dare they leave a child unable to speak of his suffering because they couldn’t cope with it_?

“So… you never talked about it? You just…”

Sirius swallowed. He knew exactly what Remus did because he did exactly the same thing with Sirius.

“You just acted like everything was alright, didn’t you? You made sure you didn’t upset them?”

Remus shook his head.

“I upset them all the time… every full moon it was… I could see it, Mum would get snappy and Dad… he couldn’t even look at her, or me… then after… she’d have red eyes and sometimes I’d see her crying and Dad would… he’d just look… like he wanted to be somewhere else.”

“But that… that wasn’t you upsetting them, love. That was them being upset, but it wasn’t you.”

Remus lifted his head to look at Sirius. He looked incredulous.

“Of course it was me. It wasn’t the bloody owl, was it? Taking care of me wrecked their lives, they never had any money from paying for all the treatments, they had to move constantly so nobody figured out I… figured it out, they never had any more children because I was a threat…”

“Remus, no. That’s bullshit. That’s…”

Remus shrunk back at the anger in Sirius’s voice.

“It’s alright, Sirius, really it is.”

Remus looked so desperate, trying to reassure Sirius that things were fine when they were so obviously not.

“No, love, it’s not alright. It’s not alright that they made you feel like that.”

Remus dropped his face into his hands and Sirius was pretty sure he was crying.

“I’m sorry… I’m sorry for being… I’m s… sorry I’m such a mess. You… you shouldn’t… have to deal with this… with me being… useless… you’ve gone through so much…”

“No, no Remus.”

Sirius kept his voice firm. He knew it would make Remus try even harder to appease him, but he also knew that he needed to push if he was going to make him understand. He knew what he had to do now, he realised, and even if a part of him was panicking, he knew that he could do it.

“I’m sorry… I’m sorry… I’m–“ 

“Remus, listen to me.”

He let go of Remus’s hand and ran his hand down the side of his jaw. Then he crooked his fingers under Remus’s chin, and lifted his face so he could look him in they eye.

“Remus, stop apologising.”

“I… I’m so–“

“No, Remus, listen to me, yeah?”

Remus pressed his lips together and gave a hesitant nod.

“Remus, my love, it’s me who is sorry. I’m sorry that I’ve done the same thing that your parents did and…”

Remus began to shake his head.

“Yes, Remus, I did. Whenever you’ve been upset over something, I’ve got upset, and then you’ve had to calm me down or comfort me, instead of me being there for you.”

Sirius held Remus’s gaze, waiting for the acknowledgement that Remus understood and accepted what he said. When it looked as if he was going to start disagreeing, Sirius spoke again.

“The night we found out about Peter, when we realised he’d been trying to convince everyone you were the traitor… the day I picked you up from the Wiltshire werewolves and those homophobic bastards had beaten you up, the night that I came home from that mission I’d done with the aurors and you told me that Dumbledore was sending you to the wolf packs, the day that… well, I could go on, Remus. You can’t deny it.”

Tears were spilling down down Remus’s face as he looked at Sirius. Then he glanced down, mouthing the words “I’m sorry” without making a sound.

“I’m right, aren’t I, Remus? You just keep trying to be okay so that you don’t upset me. You don’t tell me how you are feeling because I’ll just make it all about me.”

Remus gave the faintest of nods.

“Remus?”

He looked up again and spoke, his voice scratchy and hesitant.

“Yes… yes, that’s… true. I’m–“

“ _I’m_ sorry, love. None of this is your fault and it’s not alright that you feel it was. It’s not alright that your parents made you feel that way and it’s not alright that I’ve done the same. But I’m going to do better.”

Sirius took a breath. He wasn’t sure that he’d got though to Remus yet, but it seemed as if he was making progress. It probably helped that Remus was still fairly drunk. It was always harder to get him to be honest when he was sober.

“I’m doing better at being calm. I hope you saw that, the day we came to Kielder Forest, yeah?”

Sirius felt bad reminding him of that day, but it needed to be said. Remus frowned for a few moments, then nodded.

“You were… you were really patient with me that day. I was in such a state. You were great, you were–“

“Remus, I didn’t bring that up so you could praise me for acting like a decent human being for once. I’m just checking you understand that things have changed.”

Remus looked away for a moment, but then looked back and nodded.

“If you need to, you can talk to me. If you are upset, you can tell me. I’m not going to make it all about me, I promise. I’m doing better. I’ve been talking to Reg, he’s amazing, you know, he’s really helped. Ted too, and Andr… Andromeda.”

Sirius’s voice caught as he came to a sudden realisation. Andromeda hadn’t needed to say what she had said to him earlier. She could have just left him to apparate home, and he might have suspected, but he wouldn’t have known. Instead, she had chosen to tell him.

It made sense when he realised what else she had said. She had referred to Sonny… Simon talking to her about what Greyback had done. His cousin was no fool, she would have come to the same conclusion as Remus. And, he was sure, she had told Sirius about her own experiences so that he could, somehow, help Remus.

“If… if it’s hard to talk to me… you could talk to one of them as well. Maybe Andromeda? She’s… well, I think you’d find her good to talk to.”

Sirius could see that Remus was slightly confused by his comment, but he wasn’t sure that it was the time to explain.

“But that main thing is…” Sirius continued, “I’m here for you. We all are. You don’t have to be okay. You don’t have to worry about being okay so you don’t upset us. You just need to… talk to us. Let us help you. Let us be there for you.”

Remus was staring at him, a slight frown between his eyes. The next moment, his arms were wrapped around Sirius’s neck and he was clinging so tightly Sirius could barely breathe. He was sobbing, loud and messy, his whole body shaking. Sirius shifted slightly so that he felt less choked, then just held on to him.

“It’s alright, Remus. I’ve got you, love. I’m here.”

He kept up the reassuring words and, as Remus slowly calmed, began to stroke his back with one hand.

“That’s it, my love. You’re okay. I’ve got you.”

Remus began mumbling indistinct words, his face still still pressed against the side of Sirius’s head.

“What’s that, love?”

Remus pulled his head back a little.

“I’m sorry, Sirius.”

“Yeah, yeah, I know, love. But it’s okay. I’m just glad you trusted me enough to talk to me.”

Remus nodded, first looking down but then lifting his eyes to meet Sirius’s gaze.

“I love you, Sirius.”

“I love you too, Remus. So, so much.

Sirius looked into Remus’s reddened, puffy eyes, he wondered whether he had ever loved him more than he did at that moment. He knew he had loved Remus for a long time, but now, he knew that he would do anything for him. He loved Remus enough to become a better person for him. And Remus, he knew, was trying to do better as well. He’d trusted Sirius enough to open up and speak about what was inside him.

When morning came and he was sober, Remus might shut down again, Sirius knew. He was no fool, he knew that it would take a long time for Remus to trust him fully. It wasn’t going to be easy. But Sirius knew, with utter certainty, that he could do it. They were going to be okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're getting close, one big chapter to go, although there will probably be an epilogue for the sake of symmetry/ tying up the story.


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Severus is worried about Narcissa Malfoy and his godson, and finds an ally in her sister. But Narcissa is not quite willing to be rescued.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is it, basically the end, but there will be one more short chapter, as I've decided that it needs an epilogue to balance it out.

XIV.  
The war dragged on with no sign of ending. It seemed as if every time Regulus came back from an Order meeting or a mission, he had more bad news to report. The Order was now seriously depleted, having recently lost Elphias Doge and Alice Longbottom, while Alice’s husband, Frank, had been badly injured. Lupin had not participated in a mission or even an Order meeting since he had returned from the werewolves. There were suspicions of a traitor in the auror’s office. A number of aurors had been killed and Alastor Moody, who hadn’t worked since being badly injured in the fight which had resulted in Evan Rosier’s death, had to come back out of retirement to lead them. Several senior Ministry figures were known to be sympathetic to the Dark Lord, and an increasing number of muggleborn or half-blood Ministry staff were dead or missing.

Severus knew that if the Dark Lord won, then he and Regulus would both be dead. But he had more to worry about than just himself and Regulus. Although the man was only marginally less loathesome than he had been at school, Severus had to worry about Sirius Black, because if anything happened to his brother, Regulus would be devastated. And while Severus still despised James Potter, and the feeling was evidently mutual, if anything happened to him it would be terrible for Lily. Not to mention that the Potter spawn had developed the irritating but slightly endearing habit of hugging Severus’s legs whenever Lily brought him to visit. Since Potter appeared to be an adequate parent, it would be unfortunate for the boy were he to lose his father. Then there was the werewolf. Regulus seemed to hold him in high regard, and Lily was also clearly fond of him. And if the werewolf were killed, that would upset Sirius Black and then _that_ would upset Regulus. It really was all rather _complicated_ , finding himself caring about the welfare of so many people.

Then there was Narcissa Malfoy. Severus had been worrying about her, and her son, for some time. She was in a particularly dangerous situation because the Dark Lord had moved to Malfoy Manor after Severus had been rescued from the LeStranges’. He knew it had been because he was angry that his prisoner had got away, so Severus felt as if that was _his_ fault that Narcissa was now effectively a hostage.

He’d found an ally in Andromeda Tonks. He hadn’t particularly wanted to become friendly with the Tonks family – he didn’t need more personal entanglements. The child was pushy and annoying, demanding luridly pink icing on everything Severus baked for her and her father was one of those men that people liked without him even seeming to try, which made Severus horribly jealous.

But Ted’s mother, who had taught Severus to bake, proved to be a good listener without being nosey. And he couldn’t help but like Andromeda, who was snappy and sarcastic and frequently impatient. He also knew enough about Narcissa’s childhood to suspect that Andromeda must be at least as messed up as Severus was, if not more. It reassured him to know that, somehow.

Andromeda was as anxious as Severus was to see Narcissa out from the Dark Lord’s grip. She’d sent a few owls to her sister, and a few had come back, full of inane comments. Severus assumed someone was reading her mail.

“Would they do that?” Andromeda asked.

“Probably. The Dark Lord’s completely paranoid. He wouldn’t do it himself, though. Maybe Crouch.”

“Not her husband?”

“Unlikely. I’m not sure he can actually read.”

Andromeda gave a sharp bark of laughter at that.

“He hasn’t got any smarter than he was as a teenager then?”

Severus shook his head.

“He’s an idiot. And completely self-absorbed. He’s not mean, though. He’s inconsiderate, but he’s never cruel to Cissa. He loves Draco, too.”

Potter and Black, unfortunately, were the ones who came up with the solution to how to communicate with Narcissa – a pair of two way mirrors that they had used to communicate with each other at school. It left Severus in the position of having to thank them, but he managed, reminding himself that Black had made a decent effort. Then, with some careful timing, they were able to owl one of the mirrors to Narcissa and, finally, speak to her.

Severus kept the other. It was _something_ he could do at least. There was bugger all else he could do to help fight the Dark Lord, except possibly bake him an exceptionally rich cake and hope that it clogged up his arteries and gave him a heart attack.

But while Severus could now communicate with Narcissa, getting her out was another matter.

“It’s not that simple, Severus.”

“I don’t see why not.”

Narcissa sighed. He could see her looking down at her hands and fiddling with her rings.

“There’s Lucius. I know he’s… well, to be honest I could do without him and frankly he could do without me. But he adores Draco, won’t want to lose him. If we left, he’d come after us.”

“We can hide you.”

“I don’t know… that doesn’t seem like any sort of way to live.”

“Well, then, bring him.”

“Severus, you know that’s ridiculous. He’s of no use to the Ministry. They’ll just put him in Azkaban.”

“Would that be so bad?”

“I can’t. He doesn’t deserve that. And Draco loves his father. He should have the chance to know him.”

Severus shook his head in frustration. As far as he was concerned, Narcissa was determined to be a martyr. Andromeda was equally unsuccessful in persuading her sister.

“She doesn’t understand the danger she’s in,” Severus said.

“I’m inclined to agree with you,” Andromeda replied. “She’s always been good at denial.”

Weeks went by before the chance came to get her out. Severus was in the kitchen when he heard a frantic voice from the mirror in his pocket.

“Severus! Sev! Oh, Merlin, you have to help us. Please.”

He pulled out the mirror and called back to her.

“Cissa. What’s happened?”

Regulus was beside him immediately.

“Are you alright? Is Draco alright.”

“Oh Merlin, they’re going to kill us. You have to come, please.”

“I’m coming, Cissa, right now,” Regulus said, moments before a shining patronus burst into the room.

“Regulus, Severus, our place, now,” Ted’s voice said, before the patronus disappeared.

Severus felt himself go cold. Narcissa needed him. Narcissa needed help and he was going to be useless.

“Come on, Sev. You’ve got your wand?”

He nodded, not trusting his voice.

“I’ll apparate us, come on.”

Regulus slipped one arm around his waist, then they were stumbling on the Tonks’s doorstep, arriving seconds before Lily and her husband, who had their son in his arms and Kreacher just behind him.

The door opened and they went in, finding Andromeda sorting through a series of small vials while Ted spoke to their daughter. A couple of minutes later Black arrived along with Lupin, who was looking more than a little ragged after the full moon a few days previously.

“Right then,” Ted said, calling them together. “We’ve had a message from Alastor and James has had a message from Dumbledore. Something’s going down at Malfoy Manor. There was some sort of magical event, extremely powerful. It’s unclear what’s happening, but the aurors and the Order are going in.”

Ted glanced around the room until his eyes rested on Severus. He gave a faint nod, evidently realising Severus had something to add.

“I’ve had a message from Narcissa as well, requesting that we help her. She hasn’t given any details though.”

“Right then. Dromeda, how are you going?”

She passed a vial to Ted, who drank it. She kept passing vials and he passed them to the others.

“It’s a powerful healing potion. You can take it in advance, in case of injury. You’ll feel a bit rough as it leaves your system if you don’t end up injured, but that won’t be for 12 hours or so. If the battle’s still going then, take another.”

When the vials reached Lupin, he swallowed his as the others did. Severus hadn’t been sure he would go. Then Andromeda was holding out a vial to Severus. He hesitated. Surely they wouldn’t want him there?

“I can’t. I… I’ll just be a liability,” he said, not looking at her.

“Moody’s message was ‘bring everyone you can’. And you know Malfoy Manor better than anyone here. You can do this. We’ll look after you.”

He looked across at Regulus, who frowned at him.

“Sev, you know if it was up to me, I’d wrap you in cotton wool and wouldn’t let you leave the house.”

Somehow, that made him feel better about going, rather than worse.

“Alright, then,” he said, taking the vial from Andromeda and swallowing the contents.

Ted began pairing them up, Severus with Lily, Regulus with Potter, Lupin with Black. The Potter spawn began to wail as he realised the adults were going out, and while the Tonk’s daughter picked him up and tried to comfort him, she looked pretty unhappy about being left with just Kreacher herself. Then they were apparating to the front doors of Malfoy Manor to find a group of Order members and aurors receiving instructions from Moody. Or at least Severus assumed they were instructions - he was waving his arms and shouting a lot. Severus stood just behind Lily, his left hand on her shoulder, and focused on remembering to breathe.

At they moved closer, Severus could feel bursts of magic prickling at his skin. They came and went, and he found himself tensing up at the sensation. Lily turned her head to him.

“You okay?”

“I… I don’t know.”

There was another burst, this one much bigger than the others, and they both flinched.

“There’s a real battle going on in there,” Ted said.

Severus looked across at him, leaning against one of the entrance pillars, looking like he really couldn’t be bothered with all this nonsense and might just take a book with him in case he got bored.

Two aurors came staggering through the open front door, a few sparks still crackling around their robes.

“Bloody place is an absolute maze. It’s impossible to pin the bastards down, they just find a way out we didn’t know was there.”

Andromeda and Ted both turned to Severus.

“Could you draw a map?”

“Map?” Moody said, a freakish artificial eye swivelling around to stare at Severus. The rest of Moody followed a moment later. “Could you?”

Severus took a breath. Now Lily was looking at him. And her husband. And Black and his werewolf. And Regulus. And about a dozen aurors. And Dumbledore, who had appeared silently and was watching proceedings with an expression Severus couldn’t read on his face.

He turned to focus on Regulus, who was giving Severus an encouraging smile.

“Yes, I suppose so,” Severus said, and dug in his pocket for a handkerchief.

“Regulus, would you transfigure this for me?”

Regulus transfigured the handkerchief into a large piece of parchment far better than Severus could have, then pulled a leaf off one of the nearby shrubs to transfigure into a quill. Severus began sketching the floor plan of the Manor, before passing it to Ted.

“Where would Narcissa go, if she was trying to hide herself and Draco?”

“Perhaps his nursery. It’s on the top floor and near where the house elves sleep. Lots of narrow corridors and hidey holes. Up there.”

“Right then, that’s where we’ll go. Al…”

Ted waved at Moody.

“We’re here to get Narcissa and Draco out, first and foremost. We’re going to try the top floor.”

“All of you?”

“I’ll take Dromeda, Lily and Severus. And I’ll want a couple of the others for cover as we’re going in. Other than that, they’re here to help wherever they can.”

Severus noticed that Ted was looking at Moody while he spoke, not Dumbledore. But it was Dumbledore who spoke up.

“Might it not be useful for Severus to stay out here and help with tactics, given he knows the Manor so well.”

Ted turned and replied to him, lacking his usual warmth.

“Once we have Narcissa and Draco, not before.”

Both Dumbledore and Moody seemed about to speak, but Ted held up a hand.

“Reg, you’d know the Manor pretty well yourself, wouldn’t you?”

“Not as well as Severus. I’ve not been up to the top floor at all, nor the cellars, but I know the main floors pretty well.”

“Right then, you stay out here and help with the map. James, with us. Sirius and Remus, you’ll come with us until we’re clear of whatever’s going on inside, then go back to Al for further instructions.”

Severus felt an immediate flood of relief. He knew that Regulus had been on a few missions with Sirius and hadn’t panicked, but he was still terrified at the thought of Regulus facing any kind of battle.

Then Ted was making eye contact with each of them in turn and Severus knew this was _it_.

Inside, the Manor was filled with smoke and dark magic. Even in the entrance hall, a wide, airy space, Severus felt as if the walls were closing in. On the far side of the hall there was a staircase, the fastest way to the first floor, but he reached out and touched Ted on the arm, motioning towards the right, where a narrow corridor led to the back stairs. Ted and Andromeda went first, then Lily and Severus, then Potter, Lupin and Black. There were still faint traces of dark magic there, but it was much less oppressive than the hall.

Severus watched the wall to his left carefully. The staircase was disillusioned and he didn’t want to miss it. In the end, he did, but he quickly realised his mistake and backtracked to a spot where a door led into an innocuous-looking cupboard. He opened the door and said the incantation, then the shelves of the cupboard rearranged themselves into a set of steep stairs.

Ted motioned to Potter to move ahead of Severus and Lily. They climbed the stairs, using muffling charms on their feet, then once they reached the top Severus motioned to the right. On Ted’s nod, Potter dropped back again, and they moved on.

The oppressive atmosphere of dark magic and curse smoke was much stronger than in the entrance hall and it was getting more intense the closer they got to the back of the Manor. Severus had begun thinking of alternative routes to the top floor when he heard a shout and, moments later, saw two figures turning towards them through the smoke. The taller of them was screaming a curse at them before Severus could even raise his wand. MacNair, he’d know that voice anywhere. The sadistic bastard had stood at his master’s side, laughing every time Severus had cried out in pain and then, when the Dark Lord had grown bored of torturing Severus himself, had taken over.

Severus felt something hit his chest and he fell back against the wall.

“Severus!”

He heard Lily’s voice distantly.

“Severus, Severus, stay with me.”

He took a breath, finding his lungs still worked, and realised that the blow to his chest was Lily shoving him out of the way of Black, who was now up beside Ted, Andromeda and Potter, exchanging fire with MacNair and at least three other Death Eaters. Lupin had held back, keeping one eye on the battle, but mostly looking in the other direction, guarding the rear.

“Severus,” Lily said again, and he took another breath. “Sev, is there another way up if we can’t get through.”

He nodded, then tried speaking.

“I… yes… but the other staircase is right around the far side. There’s another secret stairwell, but I’m not sure I can find it. It’s off the main bedroom, and that’s one room I’ve never been in.”

There was a loud explosion and Black staggered backwards, clutching his neck. Lupin called to him, but held his ground, still guarding the rear. Lily gave Severus a hard stare, which he assumed meant don’t move, and rushed across to him.

“Ah… I… I’m okay…I think,” Black gasped out, as blood poured out from between his fingers. Then, within seconds, the bleeding stopped and he withdrew his hand. There was a horrible red mark across his throat, but no open wound, and he simply launched himself back into the battle.

Lily turned back to Severus.

“Wait,” she said, and darted forwards to stand beside Ted. Another huge explosion shook them, then Lupin called out and Severus saw him facing down three more Death Eaters who’d come up behind them. Black was beside him in an instant, Lily taking his place between her husband and Ted. Andromeda stood on his other side, completely still and silent, as a stream of darkness poured from her wand. Severus felt the hairs on the back of his neck stand up as he realised he’d seen that spell before, from her older sister. He had no idea what it was, but it had killed three aurors and in seconds had rotted their bodies as if they’d been dead a week.

Severus glanced the other way, seeing Lupin hit in the face with a ball of flame. He stumbled but didn’t fall, and his wand shot out something red and hissing which caught a glancing blow on one of the three Death Eaters. Black called out to him but, as Lupin had earlier, didn’t abandon his position.

Severus gripped his wand and gritted his teeth. He knew that he couldn’t afford to cower against the wall. If he didn’t pull himself together, they could all be dead soon. He took another breath and held it, feeling the panic to rise up inside him, then opening one of the dark corners of his mind that he hadn’t used since he’d been rescued. There was a momentary blur in his vision as the darkness sucked up the panic, but then it was gone and Severus felt suddenly calm. He raised his wand and stepped forward to stand next to Black. A few seconds later, Lupin was back, half of his face blackened and blistered, but his wand arm steady.

“You alright there?”

Ted was next to him, the front of his robe ripped open and soaked in blood, the skin underneath a mass of healed wounds.

“I’m alright,” Severus said, realising that he actually was. He managed to hit one of the Death Eaters and Ted followed with a petrifying curse. One of the other two, realising he was now outnumbered, turned and ran. The second hesitated, and Black and Lupin brought him down.

Ted turned back to his wife, who was still pouring the awful darkness from her wand. There were several bodies on the ground in front of her.

“Dromeda, STOP!” Ted yelled, a second before she hit another figure who was coming around the corner. Her wand arm dropped immediately, and Severus realised that the figure was wearing auror’s robes.

“What the FUCK was that?” the figure yelled.

Another auror came up behind him.

“Don’t ask,” he said. “Count yourself lucky she bailed us out.”

“Kingsley,” Ted said, and the second auror came forward to greet him.

“Thanks for that,” the auror named Kingsley said. “We were in a bit of a tight spot there.”

The other auror scowled ungratefully at his partner, but Kingsley ignored him in favour of hugging Ted then shaking Potter’s hand. 

“Darling?” Ted said quietly, touching his wife gently on the arm. She flinched, and he touched her arm again, this time more firmly, holding her as she jerked away.

“Dromeda, it’s me,” he said, and she turned her head towards him, blinking as if she wasn’t sure what she was seeing. He pulled her against his chest and she let out a strangled cry. He wrapped his other arm around her and glanced around, his eyes falling on Severus.

“We’ll stay here. You go and get Narcissa, alright.”

Severus nodded.

“Remus, Sirius, go with him. Take Lily and James.”

Severus walked forward, past the bodies. He counted five. The only two he could recognise were the LeStrange brothers, who both wore pendants bearing the family crest. He hoped that one of the others was MacNair, but the corpses were rotted beyond recognition.

The floor of the corridor and the stairs to the top floor were littered with pieces of plaster which had been blasted off the walls and ceiling. Severus stepped carefully, wondering how badly damaged the floor was. Then he was at the top, facing the door to Draco’s nursery, wondering how it was still holding together, there were so many holes in it.

“Wait,” he said, lifting his wand. There had to be a reason the door was so damaged yet still standing.

“What is it?” Potter said, pointlessly.

Severus ignored him. If he had any useful information, he’d tell them. Until then, asking wouldn’t make any difference.

He focused on the door, moving his wand closer, millimetres at a time. There was something there, he was sure, but he couldn’t tell what.

“Elf magic,” Lupin said, directly behind him, and Severus nearly dropped his wand.

“Sorry,” Lupin added.

“Yes, alright, so it is,” Severus snapped at him. The werewolf was right, of course. He’d always been a swot.

“What would they be guarding?” Lily asked. She wouldn’t know, of course, being muggleborn.

“Draco,” Severus said. “And hopefully his mother. Narcissa, are you there?”

There was no answer.

“Cissa?”

The door seemed to shimmer and he heard Narcissa’s voice calling to him. She sounded very distant.

“Severus?”

“Yes, it’s me. We’re here to get you out.”

“Are they… is it safe?”

“It’s safe. They’re gone,” Severus said. He decided not to say what had happened to them. He hoped he might be able to lead her away from the disfigured bodies.

The door shimmered again, then fell apart, ending up as a pile of broken wood. Narcissa stood on the other side, Draco in her arms. Three house elves stood in front of her, staring suspiciously at him. He could see more pairs of eyes watching him from further back.

“It’s alright,” Narcissa said to the elves, and she stepped delicately over the broken door. For a moment the stared at each other, the Severus moved closer to give her an awkward hug.

“What happened here?” Potter again. The nosy git was always asking questions.

Narcissa shook her head.

“Long story. We need to get out.”

Lupin and Black, still vigilant, began to move down the stairs, when there was a shout from down below. Another voice shouted back.

“Hold wands. Anyone still standing’s on our side.”

By the time they reached the bottom of the stairs, the corridor was swarming with aurors. Narcissa held Draco tightly against her chest as they turned to look at her. Her expression was haughty, but Severus could see the tension in her neck and hands.

“Do you know where your husband is?” Severus whispered to her. Given all the chatter from the aurors, they were unlikely to be overhead, but he was still cautious. 

“Dead,” she replied, looking around. “Is my sister here?”

Severus had been trying to lead her in the other direction, away from the bodies of the Death Eaters Andromeda had killed. But that was also taking her away from Andromeda.

“She’s over there. A bit shocked. Might be best to get out and wait for her there.”

Narcissa looked like she agreed. The scene really was chaos.

“RIGHT. WILL EVERYONE SHUT UP.”

Everybody went quiet as one of the aurors, the one named Kingsley who had greeted Ted and Potter, called for silence.

“There are far too many people up here,” he continued, no longer yelling but still loud. “I want all the civillians outside and half the aurors back on the lower floor. Parker, Entwhistle, Speedwell, Smith, Forbes and Buddle, stay up here with me. The rest of you, downstairs.”

There was a shuffle of movement and a murmuring of voices, but it didn’t reach the chaotic levels it had a few moments before. Severus, one arm looped through Narcissa’s, headed for the main stairs. He glanced around and saw Lupin and Black behind them. They weren’t looking at each other, but Severus noticed they were holding hands, gripping tightly as if they were afraid of becoming separated. He saw a flash of red hair as well, so knew that Lily was following.

Outside, he drew Narcissa away from the throng.

“What happened in there?”

She shook her head.

“Not now. I’m going to have to explain to the aurors, almost certainly. I don’t want to repeat myself a hundred times. Do you know where Dromeda is?”

Severus looked around, spotting Ted leading his wife out through the front doors.

“Dromeda,” Narcissa called, and Severus lifted his arm to get Ted’s attention. Andromeda still looked pale and shaky, but she recognised her sister and pulled slightly away from her husband in order to hug her.

“Cissa, so glad you’re safe.”

“Thank you for coming for us. I know… I know it must have been hard for you.”

Andromeda shook her head, but then burst into tears. Severus turned away slightly, knowing how much she’d hate to appear weak. He couldn’t hear exactly what she was saying then, but he made out the words “killed the fucking bastard”, then “I fucking killed the bastard”. He wondered exactly who she was referring to, but doubted she’d tell him.

He looked around, wondering if he’d be able to find Regulus amongst what was turning into something of a circus.

“Severus!”

Regulus was calling out and waving to him from some distance away, where he stood next to Moody, Dumbledore and what appeared to be several Wizengamot members. All eyes were suddenly on Severus as Regulus broke away from the group and began shoving through the crowd. When he reached Severus, he flung his arms around his neck. Severus felt himself turning scarlet and looked away from the watching eyes only to find Black and Lupin smirking at him. He glared at them and Black’s smirk broadened into a grin.

“Regulus, you’re making a scene,” Severus hissed.

“So?” he relied, pulling back and then giving Severus a kiss on the lips. “I was worried about you. I was terrified something would happen.”

“I was fine.”

Regulus released him, but took his hand.

“Was anyone hurt? What happened with Andromeda? Is Narcissa alright?”

Before Severus could reply he was looking around, seeing his brother, who looked rather the worse for wear, with the healed wound on his neck and blood all over his clothes. Regulus pulled Severus over with him as he called out to Black.

“Siri, what happened? Are you alright?”

He threw one arm around his brother, evidently unwilling to release Severus, who stood uncomfortably to one side, trying to avoid eye contact with Lupin who, if anything, looked even worse than Black. There wasn’t much blood on him, but his skin, hair and clothing were badly scorched.

“I’m fine, Reg. That healing potion Dromeda gave us… it did its job.”

Regulus released his brother and turned to Lupin, hugging him as well. Then he spotted Lily and Potter, and dragged Severus over while he hugged them too. Finally he got to Ted, Andromeda and Narcissa. He hugged Ted, but hung back from the sisters, who were now conversing quietly. Narcissa still had Draco in her arms. Severus wondered if he had fallen asleep, as he certainly looked more relaxed than he had earlier.

“So,” Regulus said, “what happened in there?”

Everyone turned to Narcissa. There was a moment of silence before Ted stepped forward.

“Is this something you should be telling the aurors? Or do you want us to get you away from here as fast as possible?”

“I wish… but yes, I believe I should tell the aurors. Are there any… decent ones?”

“Kingsley. But he’s not senior enough and I think he’s still inside. You want to talk to Al. He’s in charge of the aurors thesedays and he’s okay. A bit paranoid, yells a lot, but he’s not an idiot.”

Ted lifted his arm and waved at Moody, who immediately began to walk over.

“You lot alright? Thanks for the loan of the lad…”

Moody slapped a hand on Regulus’s shoulder.

“… he was most helpful. And the map.”

Moody looked at Severus, who glared back at him. The auror evidently decided against touching Severus, and merely nodded at him.

“How about your crew? Everyone alright?” Ted asked.

Moody looked grim.

“Looks like we’ve lost four of them and some nasty injuries as well. For the scale of the battle, it could have been worse, but…”

Severus suddenly felt as if all the blood was sucked from his limbs. The reality of where they had been and what they had been doing was brought back. He’d been wand to wand with people who had tortured him. He could have been killed or, worse, captured again. Any one of the others could have been killed or captured too. Black had nearly been killed right in front of him, and that would have destroyed Regulus.

He felt himself begin to shake.

“Hey, Sev.”

Regulus was at his side, an arm around his shoulders.

“Are you okay, Sev.”

“I’m fine.”

Severus shook his head as he tried to rid himself of the feeling that he was about to choke. He gasped in a desperate breath.

“You’re not fine, sweetheart. Here, come on, breathe. Breathe with me.”

He closed his eyes and focused on the feeling of Regulus’s arm around him. He was not panicking in front of everyone. He was _not_ panicking. He just… couldn’t… breathe.

“Sev, stay with me.”

He felt Regulus’s hand on his face and opened his eyes.

“It’s okay, Sev. I’m here.”

He dropped his head to rest his forehead on Regulus’s shoulder, then managed to take a long, slow breath.

“I’m sorry, Reg.”

“Don’t apologise, Sev, it’s okay. You just… you just went in and faced… you know. And everyone else is… well they all look pretty upset too.”

Severus lifted his head and looked around him, expecting to see everyone staring at him after his humiliating display of weakness. Instead, nobody was paying the slightest attention. Andromeda had her face against her husband’s chest, while he had both arms protectively around her. He was watching as Narcissa and Moody conversed. Lily and her husband were watching as well. They had their arms around each other. Black and Lupin were off to one side, clinging to each other and paying no attention to anyone or anything else.

He turned back to Narcissa, who was explaining something to Moody.

“…that bloody snake,” she was saying. “Draco just loves it, can’t stay away. And he’s been encouraging it. Thinks it’s amusing, when he’s in the mood. But I’ve been trying to keep Draco away as much as I can. He’s not predictable… wouldn’t trust him not to… not to hurt him in a fit of temper.”

Severus realised that she must be talking about the Dark Lord. He shuddered at the thought of his godson, who was a similar age to the Potter spawn, in the company of that psychopath.

“This time, Draco was playing with the snake… he… You-know-who was doing something or other with Trix… Bellatrix LeStrange and Crouch, that’s Barty Crouch junior…”

“Crouch junior?” Moody said. “Shite.”

“Yes, he is, rather. So they were doing something with some old… artifacts, I suppose, there was a cup, a tatty old book, a mirror… I’m not sure what they were doing, but then they left them on a table and were off fiddling with something else… Draco was right by the table and he… he was too quick, I couldn’t stop him… he picked up the mirror, he loves mirrors, he’s his father’s son in that way, loves looking at himself, and then he… You-know-who, turns and just screams at him to put it down and Draco’s terrified, he’s not used to getting screamed at and he just freezes… and then…”

Narcissa paused slightly, drawing a shaky breath. Andromeda lifted her head and looked at her sister, then reached across and put her hand over Narcissa’s, where it rested on Draco’s back.

“He flung a curse at Draco. I don’t know what it was, but… I… and Draco was just sitting there looking at him… he had no idea… and… the curse hit the mirror… it shattered, just exploded really… see…”

She adjusted how she was holding Draco – Severus could see now that he was asleep – to show his hand to Moody and Dumbledore. Severus couldn’t see clearly, but it did appear to be a bit red.

“It was like… well, I think it rebounded on him, then he … You-know-who… there was a scream… it was… unearthly, inhuman, just… horrible, and he was on the ground and he… he looked… he didn’t look good… writhing and screaming and all burned and … and Trixie was just shrieking at Draco, I thought she would kill him so I just picked him up and ran. Then… then they all came after us… Lucius… he tried to protect us… he did try… he wasn’t a bad man, well not a bad father anyway… they killed him… we ran for the nursery… the elves helped, they protected us… and I called Severus, and…”

She turned to make eye contact with Severus.

“Let me clarify,” Moody said, pulling Narcissa’s attention back to him, “Voldemort threw a curse at your son, but hit the mirror instead, and it rebounded on him and injured him in some way?”

“Yes, that’s about it, although injured… is probably an understatement.”

“We can hope, I suppose. And you don’t know what happened after that?”

She shook her head.

“Right, I’d better go and see if anyone’s found him. Or Crouch, or your sister.”

He paused a moment.

“After all this, crazy that he’s brought down by a baby. He’s going to grow up with quite the reputation, won’t you lad?”

Moody reached out his hand. Narcissa looked as if she would snatch her son away, but Moody was surprisingly gentle as he pressed his hand to Draco’s back. Draco slept on, unaware that he had, apparently, achieved what Auror’s Office and the Order had unable to.

“Thank you, Mrs Malfoy. I may need to speak with you again. Can you let me know where you’ll be staying?”

Narcissa glanced up at her house.

“I’m not… not sure.”

“Stay with us,” Regulus said immediately, without even a glance at Severus. Not that he would disagree of course. It made sense, unless she’d prefer to stay with her sister.

Narcissa looked at Regulus and then Severus, a brief smile of relief flicking across her face before disappearing.

“Thank you,” she said, with a nod to them before turning back to Moody.

“Alright. Don’t go leaving the country, Mrs Malfoy.”

She looked at him for a moment. She wasn’t rolling her eyes, but Severus suspected that she wasn’t far from it.

“I’ll be sure to consult you before I book any holidays on the Riviera.”

“Make sure you do, Mrs Malfoy, make sure you do.”

He turned, moving away with his awkward limp, shouting orders at a group of aurors who were looking idle. They scrambled to follow him as he marched into the manor through the front doors, still shouting.

“I don’t want to see any of you sitting on your lazy arses until someone’s found that bastard’s putrid corpse.”

Severus didn’t realise he was smirking until he heard Regulus’s soft words in his ear.

“I’m glad you can smile about it, sweetheart. Moody still scares the shit out of me… Merlin.”

Regulus jumped slightly as Ted slapped a hand down on his shoulder.

“I think I’d rather like to head home about now,” Ted said. “You two ready to take Narcissa to your place?”

Severus nodded.

“Cissa, you ready?”

“More than ready,” she replied. “Take me home.”


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wolfstart hurt/ comfort fluff. Just because...

Epilogue

Remus was vaguely aware that his body was moving. It struck him as odd, as he wasn’t trying to move in any way, in fact he would rather be doing quite the opposite. He really didn’t want to do anything, with the fog in his brain, the pounding in his head and the pain that dragged at his body.

“Where the f… fudge are we?”

The voice too loud and Remus flinched.

“No idea, James. I was too busy trying to keep up. You guys don’t stop, you’re insane.”

“It wasn’t always quite this intense,” said a voice much closer to Remus, but thankfully much quieter. “Since… since, you know… he hasn’t been the same. It used to be a bit more fun.”

Remus listen for a reply, but none came. All he heard was birdcall and, if he listened carefully, the sound of muffled crying.

Hearing the crying brought him to his senses. Simon – Simon was crying. Simon needed him. In a voice hoarse from howling, he tried to call to the boy. It came out as barely a whisper.

“Si… Simon.”

“It’s alright, love. He’s okay. Dromeda’s got him.”

He felt a hand touching his head, stroking his hair. Things began to fall into place in his mind. Sirius, the full moon, running with Simon and the animagi, the war… the war… Then he felt the rising anxiety fade away. The war was over, Voldemort defeated by a child accidentally deflecting a spell back onto him with a cursed mirror. But not Harry. Not a child whose parents had thrice defied the Dark Lord, as far as anyone could tell, and not born as the seventh month died. The prophecy had meant nothing, it seemed, except put James, Lily and Harry in danger. And, he supposed, in a roundabout way it had brought Regulus and Severus to them.

“Stay with me, love.”

Remus felt a hand on his cheek and he opened his eyes.

“There you are.”

Sirius was looking at him, his face close, a small smile on his lips. Remus realised that he was leaning against Sirius’s body, with Sirius’s arm around his shoulders and Sirius’s jacket draped over his hips.

“How are you feeling, love?”

“I’m fine,” he mumbled, then immediately felt Sirius tense against him.

“Remus, love, remember… I’m asking because I want to know. You don’t have to pretend.”

Remus felt guilty immediately. He wasn’t used to this change in Sirius, this version of him who could be patient and attentive. He kept misjudging, getting it wrong. He was hopeless and he couldn’t understand why Sirius just didn’t give up.

“I’m sorry.”

“You don’t have to apologise, love, it’s okay. You just need to let me know how you are.”

Remus gave a long sigh and dropped his head forward to Sirius’s shoulder. He didn’t have the energy to think any more, so he just tried to do what Sirius told him to.

“Yeah… I’m tired. Hard to… hard to breathe. My brain’s foggy. My head hurts. My… everything hurts. Sorry.”

There was a pause and Remus felt his stomach churn. What if he’d got it wrong and complained to much?

“I’m sorry,” he added, just in case.

“It’s okay, Remus. Thank you for telling me. Severus will be here soon with some healing potions. You’ll feel better when you’ve got those inside you.”

He felt the hand go back to stroking his hair. 

“How is he doing?” another voice asked. Andromeda, that was Andromeda’s voice.

“He’s pretty out of it, I think. He doesn’t seem to be aware of his injuries.”

“Mmm… what?” Remus said, opening his eyes. Sirius’s face was right there.

“Do you remember, love? You got into that fight with the centaurs? And James and Dromeda had to separate you from them?”

He closed his eyes again. He could remember now. Normally the wolf would avoid confrontations with other creatures in the Forbidden Forest, but lately he was always angry. He’d fight with his friends or any other creatures he came across. Andromeda was particularly good at sorting him out – her animagus form was a large black bear – but he often ended up with some awful injuries.

“Right… yeah… sorry.”

“It’s alright. We know it’s hard right now.”

“But I’m just…”

“We can handle this, love. There’s four of us now. We can handle you and Simon.”

Remus took a breath, notice the sharp pain in his ribs for the first time, then breathed out slowly. That was right – four of them. Sirius and James, of course, and then it turned out the Sirius was not the only member of the Black family with a talent for transformation. As well as Andromeda, Regulus was now an animagus. He had instantly achieved ‘favourite uncle’ status with all the children with his animagus form of a black pony.

There was a sharp cracking noise that made every nerve in Remus’s body jolt.

“It’s alright, love, it’s just Severus apparating in.”

He opened his eyes to see Severus walking towards them, in the process of pulling a couple of blankets out of a bag.

“Here,” he said, shoving one of them at Sirius, before moving to Andromeda and Sonny.

Sirius grabbed the blanket and Remus was vaguely aware of him draping it over him. The blanket was scratchy and Remus tried to push it away.

“What’s wrong, love? Are you too hot?”

“Hurts. Scratches.”

“Here, Sirius, I can do a softening charm on the blanket.”

Remus could hear Regulus shuffling around, then the blanket around him changed to feeling soft and warm.

“How bad are the injuries?” Regulus asked.

Remus felt cool air as Sirius moved the blanket back so Regulus could see. He heard Regulus swear softly and then James just after him.

“Bloody hell, did I do that?” James said. “I know I got him with my antlers when he was trying to fight the centaurs.”

Remus immediately felt guilty again. He always made his friends feel bad.

“I’m sorry.”

“No, Remus, nobody’s upset at you,” Regulus said. “There’s no need to apologise. It’s just… well, we all feel bad for what you have to go through. I wish it wasn’t so hard for you.”

He felt Regulus’s hand on his shoulder, gentle enough that it didn’t hurt his skin, which was always oversensitive for a few days after the moon.

“Sev?” Regulus continued. “We’re going to need Dromeda as well, once you’ve finished helping Simon.”

A few minutes later, Remus was aware of Regulus and James moving away and two dark figures standing over him.

“What’s the damage?” Severus asked.

Sirius moved the blanket away again. There were a few moments of silence.

“Double dose of blood replenishing potion, do you think, Dromeda?” Severus said.

“Yes. Start with that,” she replied. “Remus, can you hear me?”

He opened his eyes to see her crouched beside him. Behind her, Regulus was now holding Simon.

“Alright, Remus. We will give you a blood replenishing potion, then something for the pain. Then I’ll heal the wounds and any broken bones – I think you might have broken ribs and I don’t like the look of your arm. After that, we should be okay to head back.”

Remus gave a small sound of assent then closed his eyes again.

“No, no, don’t go to sleep just yet, love. Snape needs to give you some potions. After that, you can close your eyes while Dromeda does the healing if you want to.”

He opened his eyes again and Severus was right there, holding a cup to his lips. He swallowed the contents, gagging slightly at the metallic aftertaste.

“Now this one.”

This time it was only a small vial of potion, but the taste was much worse, bitter and sweet at the same time, utterly nauseating. He swallowed, then drew in slow, painful breaths until he was sure it wouldn’t come up again.

“Good, Remus,” Andromeda said. “In a few moments you should start to feel better.”

He closed his eyes and relaxed against Sirius’s body. He still felt distant and slightly like he was floating, but after a few minutes he could feel strength coming back to his limbs. Andromeda spoke, then touched her wand on his shoulder, down the side of his body and along the arm he hadn’t realised that he was cradling close to his body. He felt the pain retreating until it was no more than a dull ache.

“Right, I’d better take Simon back and get him into bed. Are the rest of you alright?”

“All good, Dromeda. And thanks. Look after Simon, yeah?”

“Always, Sirius. You look after Remus. Don’t let him convince you he’s fine and should be doing something useful. At least not for a couple of days.”

“I’ll do my best.”

Remus felt Sirius stroke his hair. He opened his eyes and felt suddenly aware that everyone was standing around watching him be weak and pathetic. He began to struggle to his feet.

“Easy now, love.”

“No, I…”

Remus managed to twist himself around so that he was on his hands and knees, but then found himself tangled in the blanket. He tried to get out of it, but ended up falling face down in the leaves on the forest floor.

“Come on, love,” Sirius said. “Let me help you.”

“Just STOP it,” Remus snapped in frustration. “Just stop all this… this fussing and looking at me and… just leave me… just leave me to be useless on my own.”

There was a moment of silence, then he heard feet shuffling nearby.

“I think that’s my cue to leave,” James said. “Best see how Lily and Harry are doing. Um… see you later, Sirius, Regulus… um… Snape. Hope you feel better soon, Remus.”

There was a sharp crack and James was gone.

“I’m sorry,” Remus said, now feeling even more humiliated after his outburst.

“I know, Remus,” Regulus said, crouching beside him and putting a hand on his shoulder. “I’d feel like shit too, if I was in your place. But you’ll feel better once you are home. Severus has brought a dressing gown for you, how about you let Sirius put it on for you? Then you can head home, yeah?”

Remus nodded, looking at the ground and too ashamed to look any of them in the eye.

Sirius crouched down and helped him into the dressing gown.

“There you go. Better?”

Remus lifted his head to glance at Sirius, who was looking at him with an anxious look on his face.

“Yeah, thank you.”

“My pleasure.”

Remus shook his head.

“Don’t…”

“But it is, my love. I know I never… I was so… useless before… but now, now I can, I like helping you. I like knowing I can make you feel better. You always… you were always the one who made me feel better, you still do. So I love that I can do this for you. Please, please let me.”

Seeing the expression on Sirius’s face, equal parts hopeful and worried, Remus felt his throat tighten up, then realised that tears were running down his face.

“Oh, Merlin, I’m sorry,” he said.

Sirius just shook his head and pulled Remus close. Remus let Sirius hold him, but he was still tense, still feeling uncomfortable about having all the care and attention on him.

“This is all very moving, but some of us have other places to be.”

Severus’s voice obviously startled Sirius, as Remus felt him give a jerk. It suddenly struck Remus as funny – Sirius and Severus still acted as if they disliked each other and Sirius wouldn’t like that Severus had seen his softer side. He gave a slight chuckle and pulled himself away from Sirius’s chest so that he could see Sirius and Severus glaring at each other.

“Can you take me home now, Sirius?”

Sirius turned back to him.

“Yes, of course, love. You okay, Reg?”

“I’m fine. I’ll probably sleep for a week, but apart from that, yeah.”

Regulus stood, gave Severus a kiss, then took his wand from him and apparated away. Then Severus handed Sirius his wand and he apparated them both back to their cottage.

Severus followed them moments later, dropping the bag he carried in the hallway and retrieving a selection of potions from the large case he was carrying while Sirius ran a bath for Remus. After he’d seen to Remus, Severus would travel to the Kielder Forest village with potions for the werewolves who were still living there, still nearly two hundred of them. They had nowhere else to go. Severus had spent most of the previous week brewing enough healing, blood-replenishing and pain relief potions to keep the pack supplied.

Remus had also been visiting the pack, giving the children a few lessons, or sometimes just reading them stories. He found he didn’t mind being there – the atmosphere was much calmer and kinder with Greyback and his closest allies dead. But he’d only tried to spend a full moon there once. Something about the place made the wolf angry and agitated, and Remus had felt awful afterwards. After that, he stayed with his new pack. It wasn’t the same as being with the Marauders – too much had happened and none of them had much youthful innocence left, not even Simon. But they were his friends and they looked after him, and it was better than being locked up.

Severus poured the contents of a small bottle into the bath.

“I’ve made a few improvements,” he said. “Let me know how you feel afterwards. This should help soothe your skin as well as stopping your muscles from cramping up.”

Remus peered over into the water, catching a scent of lemon and myrtle.

“Thank you,” he said softly, still feeling embarrassed by all the attention.

Severus gave him a sharp nod, then finished arranging a series of bottles and vials on a shelf above the basin.

“You know what to do with these now, don’t you, Black? You’re not going to accidentally give him blood replenishing potion directly before he goes to sleep?”

“I _can_ read the labels, you know, Snape.”

Severus rolled his eyes slightly.

“I’m not reassured, Black. Literacy and following instructions are not the same things.”

“Yes, Snape,” Sirius replied, speaking in a slow voice, as if he was speaking to an idiot. “I know what to do with all the potions. I’m not going to accidentally poison the love of my life.”

Severus smirked, and Remus was pretty sure that Sirius did too, although he was facing away.

“Alright, then, I’ll be off.”

He nodded at Remus, then turned away, walking out of the bathroom and picking up his case and bag, before apparating away.

“Ready for your bath, love?”

Remus nodded, feeling a little more comfortable with only Sirius there. He undid the tie of his dressing gown and slid it off his shoulders. Sirius helped him stand and then get into the bath, before stripping off his own clothes, leaving them scattered on the floor. He’d never fully grasped the realities of living without house elves. But Remus found it oddly reassuring, knowing that they’d remain there until he felt well enough to tidy them up. It helped to remind him that it was alright for Sirius to help him.

Sirius climbed into the bath, nudging Remus forward so he could sit behind him. Remus settled back, closing his eyes. The warm water was making him drowsy.

“Right there, love?”

“Mmm, yes. Thank you. Thank you for taking such good care of me.”

“I meant it before, Remus, when I said it was my pleasure.”

Remus sighed. He was warm and comfortable lying back against Sirius, but this was not a warm and comfortable topic of conversation. He couldn’t make the guilt go away. He couldn’t stop feeling guilty about how much Sirius had to look after him. And it would never get better. He would always be a werewolf, and as he got older it would only get harder on his body. He would age prematurely and Sirius, still fit and strong, would be stuck with a cripple. If he stayed, of course. He’d probably leave before it came to that.

“Hey, hey, love. What’s wrong? Remus, please… talk to me.”

Sirius’s fingers were stroking his face, and Remus realised he’d twisted himself around so that he could look Remus in the eye.

“Remus, love, what’s wrong? You were with me, and then you weren’t. And then you started to cry. Please tell me what’s wrong.”

Remus sighed. He realised that his face was damp and that it wasn’t just because Sirius’s hands were wet from the bath.

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay. I know you get like this after the moon. I know you need time to recover. But… talk to me, please.”

Remus sighed again. It was terrifying, talking to Sirius, talking to anyone, about what was inside him. It was terrifying to share the terrible things that he thought about, his worst fears, how awful and useless he felt, how ashamed he was. But, he had to admit, sometimes it helped.

“I was just… worrying. Thinking about how I’ll be like this every month for as long as I live. How I’ll be a burden to you and… I don’t know. Just sad thoughts, I suppose.”

“Remus, that’s… you’re…”

Sirius stopped speaking and took a couple of deep breaths.

“Remus, love, I can’t imagine how that must feel for you. I mean, I dread the moons, knowing how much you suffer, but… well that’s only a fraction of what you must feel.”

Sirius took another slow breath while Remus watched him. This was different. This wasn’t the kind of thing that Sirius would usually say. Sirius wouldn’t normally say he dreaded the full moon like that.

“So… I get that you must feel awful about it, but… but please, don’t ever think you are a burden. You’re not. You’re so… you’re so much not a burden. Sometimes I think… well, I think I must be a burden to you.”

“Sirius, no, no. How could you think that?”

“Well, you have so much you have to deal with, and then there’s me. I know I can be demanding. I know my moods can be difficult. I come home from a day hunting for Horcruxes or whatever, and I’m tired and tense and I just want to scream and shout and throw things, but you… you just have this way of saying the right thing. You know what I need even if I don’t. You know when to ask me what’s wrong and when to just say nothing and pour me a firewhisky. You know when sit me down and give me a shoulder massage. You know when to kiss me and touch me and suck me and fuck me until I forget my own name. And you know when to just hold me so that I know you’re there and that you’ll always be there. And… oh, love, I’ve made you cry again.”

“No… no, it’s…”

Remus took a breath. Sirius’s words made sense to him in a way they never had before. He got it. Remus, finally, got it.

The months since the war had ended hadn’t been an easy time just because Voldemort was gone. No body had been found, and Narcissa’s memories were inconclusive. Sirius and James were now officially aurors, tracking down the remaining Death Eaters and horcruxes, and searching for evidence of what had happened to Voldemort. It was mostly boring, frustrating work, but also occasionally dangerous. They’d had two attempts to capture MacNair and the Carrows, both of which had left several aurors injured.

Sirius would often come home in an awful mood, but Remus could always make him feel better. And Remus enjoyed it. It was difficult when Sirius arrived home ready to start an argument, but it made Remus feel good when he saw the tension melt away and Sirius start to look happy again. He liked being the one that Sirius turned to when he felt bad. He liked knowing that he was trusted like that.

Remus finally realised that Sirius felt the same way about him. Sirius liked looking after him. He liked making Remus feel better. He wasn’t looking after Remus because he was a werewolf and therefore someone had to look after him. He was looking after Remus because he loved him, and because when you love someone, you love all of them and you are there with them though the difficult and painful parts of life, not just the good bits.

“Hey, hey love, are you… can you stay with me, Remus?”

Sirius was stroking his hand down Remus’s face, wiping away the tears and looking at him with eyes filled with love and concern. Remus nodded his head.

“Sorry, I’m here. Just… my love… Sirius, my darling.”

He leaned in and brushed the softest of kisses against Sirius’s lips, then dropped his head forward to rest on Sirius’s shoulder.

“I love you, Remus,” Sirius said, breathing the words softly against Remus’s ear.

Remus paused. Normally he would say _I love you_ straight back. But, right now, that wasn’t the right thing to say. He lifted his head up and looked into his eyes.

“I know, Sirius, I know,” he said, pausing to make sure that Sirius understood before he continued. “And I love you too.”

Sirius nodded.

“I know, too.”

Remus sighed and let himself sink back against Sirius’s body. He closed his eyes, feeling himself cradled by the warm water and the body of the man he loved, the man who loved him. They stayed that way for a long time, words not needed, nothing needed except the connection between them.

“Do you really think he’s coming back?” Remus asked, maybe minutes later, maybe hours.

Sirius sighed and Remus knew that he didn’t need to say who _he_ was. Sirius understood.

“Moody is sure he will. So is Dumbledore.”

“Dromeda said she thought he would too, and if she agrees with Dumbledore…”

“Can’t get much more certain than that, yeah?”

Remus just sighed in response. He didn’t know what he’d do if things went back to how they’d been in the war.

“What’s the matter, love? What’s brought this on?”

Sirius tightened his arms around Remus as he spoke.

“I… I just… Sirius, I couldn’t bear if things went back to how they were in the war. I worry what would happen to you. I worry about Lily and James, and Dromeda and Ted and Regulus and… you get the picture.”

“Yeah, love, I do. And I worry too. Even worry about bloody Snape.”

“I knew it.”

“Don’t you tell him though. He’d be insufferable.”

Remus covered Sirius’s hand with his own.

“Of course not,” Remus said, his tone suddenly insincere. “I solemnly swear that I won’t.”

“You wouldn’t dare…”

“Watch me…”

They tussled briefly, both giggling a little, before settling back together.

“Sirius… I worry that… “

Remus’s voice was soft, all the lightness gone, and Sirius held tight again.

“I worry about what I might have to do, Sirius, if there’s another war. If the werewolves… you know.”

Sirius said nothing for a moment and Remus felt a flicker of anxiety that he’d done some thing wrong.

“Remus, love, you won’t… you won’t have to do anything that you don’t want to.”

“But we… we will all have to do things we don’t want to.”

“Yeah, but… not like you going to the werewolves. Not like that. And…”

Sirius paused and Remus closed his eyes, dropping his head back to Sirius’s shoulder.

“Remus, whatever happens, whatever we have to do, it won’t be like last time. Because we’ve got _us_. We’re together. Not not just occupying the same space, living together, sharing a bed, but together. _Together_.”

Remus was silent a moment, just feeling the way Sirius’s chest rose and fell against his back, the way his warm breath caressed his neck.

“You’re right, Sirius. With you, it will be alright. With you, my love, with you by my side, I think I can face anything.”

“Not _I_ , love. Not ‘ _I_ can face anything’. We. _We_ can face anything.”

“We… Us. Together.”

**Author's Note:**

> Updates every 2-3 weeks as writing feels like pulling teeth right now. If you encourage me, I might write a bit faster...


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